faderift | [closed-ish] revelations come at last

WHO: Sina and anyone who wants a starter
WHAT: The diplomacy mission did not agree well with her.
WHEN: Some backdated to Harvestmere 4th/5th, some current.
WHERE: The healing tents or Sina's tent in the garden.
NOTES: Warning for some icky injuries and pretty severe downers!

"Adelaide," comes a cry from the gates, and the newly-conscious Sina removes herself from Herian's horse to stumble towards the healing tents, the darkness staved off by her glimmering shard, which is definitely brighter than the last time anyone here saw it.
"Adelaide," she wheezes again, her voice thin and desperate, an injured fawn bleating for its mother; but with this part of the courtyard filled with only unfamiliar faces, she finds she's not strong enough to keep looking. Sina drops to her knees and hugs herself, keeping the palms of her hands away from her arms in strange clawlike poses. "Ghi'lan," she sobs, her voice growing quieter.

This is only the beginning of a long month in which few hear from or see her, as Sina is spending it curled up in a ball on her bedroll. She resists eating, won't talk to anyone without persistence on their part, and ultimately seems at a total loss of spirit.

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Sitting still and silent while Ellana attends to her, Sina doesn't speak for a while, and barely looks at the other woman. She flinches, however, at the mention of the garden.
"I'm not sure I could give it anything good," she murmurs, "I'm..." Her voice quavers, remembering what happened the last time she used her magic. Her fingers twitch.
"I can't," she whispers instead.

"Is there a reason you think that?" Ellana asks, still cleaning up her friend. "You didn't used to feel that way." But obviously between the last time she was in the garden and now, something dreadful had happened to her.

It's too complicated to fully explain, and the memory of it is too frightening to confront. Sina takes a deep breath, but looks like she might start crying at any moment. "It's different," she whimpers quietly, "...it's... I've been stupid." And naive, and incompetent, and look where it's gotten her.

Ellana wastes no time in winding an arm around Sina's shoulders and drawing her close.

"Don't say that," she murmurs. Though she does know what it's like to think yourself to be stupid and it's not something that kind words can shake. You feel it down to your bones and carry the weight of it, no matter how small a thing you feel you've been stupid about. "You've been through so much. The world must seem so different now, but you don't have to give up what you love doing because of it."

Sina lets herself be drawn into the hug, and even rests her head on Ellana's shoulder, but there's a peculiar holding back and inability to relax that she's never shown before. "The world is different," she whispers, "and what I love is..." Her voice hitches, and she bites her lower lip as she squeezes her eyes cloesd. "..wrong. It's wrong."

She's torn between asking more questions to try and understand what Sina means, and not pressing the issue which might upset her more. Her hand rubs up and down her friend's arm in a comforting gesture and after a moment she starts humming a Dalish tune. It's slow and soft, reminding Ellana of a simpler time when the world seemed very small to her. She wouldn't trade her life now for anything, but it's far more dangerous for them all being out here in the world, isn't it?

"Do you want to tell me what you mean?"

The tune, so familiar, is a vice on Sina's heart. She lowers her head further, pressing her face into her hands, though she still allows Ellana to hold her.
"This life," she whimpers, "being... being Dalish. It's all I've ever wanted." She sniffs wetly, keeping her face covered. "I've failed, I failed all of us."

"No." It's stated firmly and Ellana's hand stops moving on her friend's arm. "The clans are scattered. They're all different and they've endured different things. It changes them; makes them hardly anything like us. That clan is not what being Dalish is." Though ask Ellana what being Dalish is, and her honest answer might not be what other Dalish would want to hear. Isolated, stubborn, clinging to old wounds so they never have to grow or change. That is what she's witnessed of the People. As for herself? She's Dalish now only because she claims the word. She believes in the Creators and is proud her people have endured, but she's pulled away from the clan and has no intention of going back. If she ever feels the draw towards clan life again, she'd choose the Dalish clan she visited in Rivain. They are people whose hearts feel the most like her own.

"One person could never fail the whole of the People. Laying the blame on yourself won't make it true."

She wants to spit back in anger-- what does Ellana know about failing the People? She turned her back on them, she's courting a shem, she's never even approached being a Keeper. And as quickly as these thoughts race through Sina's mind, they're gone again, and she sinks a little lower, all the more confounded by her mixed loyalties. Her acceptance of Ellana's choices is exactly the mentality that made her a target for the other clan.

Pensive and still very much torn up, she angles her head to look into Ellana's eyes, as though she might find the answers there. Casting off the Dalish who have broken from the fold doesn't feel right; it feels cruel, counter-productive, a risk of further division and heartache. But if she known the way certain members of Ashara were behaving when she'd first arrived, before she'd gotten to know them or understand them, would her opinion have been so different?
She knows it wouldn't, and wonders if her tolerance is weakness, a need to be loved.
Turning her gaze away again, Sina drops her face onto her hands with a weary sigh. She nods, indicating that she heard and understands Ellana's response, but she's far from giving a sensible answer. "Ir abelas," she murmurs, seeming a little embarrassed.

Ellana's brow lifts in silent question at Sina's gaze, but no answers come. Only unnecessary apologies.

"You've done nothing wrong, Sina. Nothing that requires an apology." Her friend was a victim of cruelty; or what happens when their people are determined to be as spiteful and savage as possible and wear it all with pride. She knows the Creators would turn their gaze away from such people if they were here. They might throw them into the void themselves.

That's just the problem-- nobody knows what the Creators want, or what they would truly do, because they're not here.
"I've.." she begins, and finds her voice quavering as the weight of her own thoughts grows heavier. "...I don't like what I think about, now." Her lip trembles and she ducks her head as though to hide her face.

"What do you think about?" she asks, her curiosity at war with her desire to soothe Sina. But perhaps getting out as much of these inner thoughts as possible is what Sina needs.

Sina shakes her head, at least adamant about not inflicting her evil thoughts on Ellana. Not now, not ever. She can't even articulate that she doesn't want to talk about it, as though she's afraid that by simply opening her mouth the doubts will spill forward and ruin everything between her and her friend. It's better to just be silent and wait for it to pass.

It always seems to be this way with Sina. She's a very private person, and even after a year of acquaintance, there are times Ellana thinks she hardly knows her at all. Maybe she'd know more if she was pushy and never let up, but she's always allowed people to come around in their own time, so she simply says, "All right," and goes back to cleaning up her friend.

Silent for a time after Ellana gives in, Sina feels a nagging guilt at having shut her down. She's just trying to help. She's just being the friend she always is, and can't conceive of how badly Sina has erred, in every conceivable way.

"Ellana," she says after a long silence, her voice quavering, "ar lath ma, lethallan."

The genuine words coupled with how Sina's voice shakes makes tears spring to Ellana's eyes. She sets the cloth aside and wraps both arms tight around her friend, kissing her on top of her head.

"Ar lath ma. Mala suledin nadas... but you will always have me here to help you. I promise."

[closed-ish] revelations come at last

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