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WHO: Felix and OPEN
WHAT: Felix returns home after being away doing Warden-related things.
WHEN: After Wintermarch 13th
WHERE: Skyhold proper and warden camp, feel free to place your reply in either as Felix will spend time in both areas.
NOTES: None

Felix had been gone for a bit longer than expected. The mission with the Wardens was supposed to take only a few weeks and had lasted for longer than a month. While away he hadn't complained and had dealt with his duties admirably. He still had some thoughts in his head that he wasn't good enough to be within their ranks, but none of the Wardens he had traveled with had made him feel that way. There had been a bit of teasing for him being the newest Warden among them, but otherwise it had felt like he belonged there. It was almost peculiar to think about.

Either way, he still felt relieved when Skyhold came back into view. There was time spent in the Warden camp, debriefing and discussing, and then Felix wandered back up to the castle itself. He had changed from his Warden uniform and cleaned a bit because he wanted to look decent when he showed his face within the castle's walls.

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He smiles a bit and moves to sit by her. It's easy to move his arm to let her rest against him. It's nice to feel so solid and strong that she can put her weight against him.

"You aren't like many other Dalish," he points out carefully. He doesn't mean that in a bad way, and his knowledge of the Dalish is very limited, but he knows her and knows she wasn't happy in that life. "I think you'd be able to relate a bit... without all of the blood magic and murder."

"Hmm," she hums out, lifting her eyes at the ceiling and realizing how right he is. Most other Dalish are so angry all the time; so bitter. They're vindictive towards humans and hold on to a dying culture instead of trying to embrace change in addition to celebrating what they have left.

"I guess you're right. But since I've left my clan... I don't know what that makes me. Am I even Dalish anymore? Are you even a Tevinter if you don't live there and don't agree with what they do?"

"Yes," he says, with certainty. Even if he was a Warden and even if he was still freezing his toes off in the South he was still and always would be Tevinter. "But that would be like saying I wasn't human any more. My home country will always be a part of me." He reached up with his free hand and touched her hair and face. For a moment, it seemed like he was stunned by her beauty.

"What you are is up to you. No one can define that for you."

She blushes when he touches her, as if it's the first time all over again. Their love always feels new and exciting in moments like this, but there are times it settles into quiet familiarity too. How it can be all these things at once, she doesn't know.

"My vallaslin will always make me appear Dalish, and I love the Creators a great deal. But the way the Dalish act as a whole..." Ellana shakes her head. "I don't want to be associated with them. It's hard to say. I don't think I can come up with an answer right now." Because there are people like Cyril and Merrill who Ellana is proud to count herself among. There are Dalish in Rivain who are so kind and open to all visitors to their clan. She likes being associated with that kind of Dalish elf.

"Then don't," he reassures her. "No one says you have to make up your mind on who you are right now." He offers her a bit of an encouraging smile. "And who you are might change from day to day. That's all right too."

"You're right. I don't need to have a descriptor ready to give people, right? I can just be Ellana and anyone who cares whether I'm Dalish or not is probably someone who shouldn't matter to me." She hugs his arm tight, forever grateful that he's in her life. Again she's reminded that his time in this world is short and one day he'll go to the Deep Roads and never return to her. It isn't fair. Why should such a generous, kind, wonderful man like him have to lay down his life while terrible, awful people are allowed to die old in their beds?

"I'm so glad you're back."

When she hugs him he trails the hand of the arm around her over her back. "I am too," he admits. "I missed this place. I missed you." Skyhold had somehow started to feel like home, even if he spent most of his time outside of it in the camp with the other Wardens.

"I want you around for a good, long time." Her words are serious, and she suddenly shifts on the bed to draw up one leg and face him.

"How long have the Wardens been around? Hundreds and hundreds of years? And they've all fallen to fighting darkspawn?" It seems like these questions are coming out of nowhere, but she can't believe they've been around for so long and never question the way they go out.

Not all of them, but he doesn't know how much of that he can tell her. "That is the life I signed up for," he says, and his voice was a little bemused sounding. It does feel like it's coming out of nowhere so the confusion is understandable.

"Yes, of course," she says, though there is something urgent in her voice. "Why is it that Wardens aren't allowed to retire? The Blight only comes once every hundred years, and the last one only came after hundreds of years without one. Why can't there be a smaller force for the years in between Blights? Surely if they know how to give the Blight to someone and keep them alive for years, there has to be a way to draw the Blight back out, right?"

Felix considers her a moment. "No, I don't think so," he admits after a moment. That seemed safe to admit to. He wasn't giving her any details that were protected. "They are pretty clear that the Joining is permanent. I might not have been able to give it a lot of thought, but Alistair still made sure I understood I was devoting the rest of my life to the Order."

He looks away for a moment, as he thinks about what he had been going through before he put that blood to his lips. "Considering how much time that gave me, it's a price I'm wiling to pay."

"The Wardens have so many secrets, though," she continues, almost as if she didn't hear him. "They might keep secrets from the lower ranks too. It does sound like something people in charge would say to make sure no one leaves before their time."

Felix doesn't respond right away. Instead, he looks at her with a slightly inquisitive expression on his face. Then, finally, he says, "I suppose that's possible." The idea that the higher ups kept things was almost certainly the case but that didn't mean they were hiding a cure for the Blight.

"What is this about Ellana?" he asks instead of voicing those thoughts.

The fact that he considers it a possibility helps a great deal. If he refused to believe it, then it would be a lot harder to convince him to try looking.

"Don't you think that loyal Wardens should have the option to choose their fate after serving for years? If there might be a way to draw the Blight back out, then the Wardens would know, wouldn't they? You can all sense darkspawn, right? You're connected to them. But all of you can live for years after joining while someone else who gets the Blight sickness deteriorates immediately. Look at Alistair. He's been a Warden for over a decade. There's some secret to prolonging your lives, so what other secrets could be uncovered?"

"My father managed to find a way to allow me to live with the Blight for years," he points out. "If you're worried about that, you could probably work with him?" He offers it because he thinks that might be what she really wants, to help people with the Blight survive longer. Gereon was the expert at that sort of thing.

"If you're uncomfortable speaking to him, I could go with you and make sure the two of you get along first?"

Ellana considers that a moment, because spending time with Felix's father isn't really something she would willingly chose to do. But if it could help Felix...

"It isn't just about prolonging your lives," she says, looking very serious all of a sudden. "Felix, I know they saved you and -- believe me -- I'm grateful that you get to live on when those with the Blight don't, but what if there was a way to stop the Calling from coming altogether?" She takes up his hand in hers, squeezing tight. "What if you didn't have just a few years left, but fifty years? You deserve so much more time to live than you've been given. I want to search for a way to give you that."

Of course there's a bit of selfish interest here. She wants to spend a lifetime with Felix, not just a few years. But she does want him to have that time because she feels he deserves it. Someone as selfless, kind, and giving as Felix shouldn't be taken from the world so soon.

Felix shifts a bit, clearly uncomfortable. He's never very good at confronting people he cares about. That was one of the reasons he father's obsession had gotten so far.

"Ellana," he says carefully, thoughtfully. "Every day I have is already one more than I would have had. The world doesn't care about what I deserve, but every day is a gift." Then, after a moment, he gets more serious. "I already had to watch my father let an obsession regarding my life span consume him. I could not watch the same thing happen to you."

His voice is carefully gentle, but there's an underlining anxiety there.

It's very hard not to scowl at what Felix is saying. But she doesn't understand what it feels like to truly make peace with something. She thought she knew; that she'd accepted his fate and their short time left together, but now it's clear that she really hasn't.

"I'm not about to make deals or sacrifice people to get what I want," she replies. "But what's the harm in looking? I'm at least going to look into it." If he's not willing to take this by the horns and see if there's a mystery to uncover that could save him, than she will. And she doesn't have to turn into an obsessed, single-focused zealot like his father had.

"The harm in doing it is that in order to find a cure for the taint you would have to uncover the cause for it. Doing that would uncover things about the Wardens that are secrets. Things no one should know. I have been sworn to protect those secrets... You'd be going against that." His voice is gentle, but firm.

"'Things no one should know?' Doesn't that sound suspicious to you?" Ellana crosses her arms and gives him a dubious look, because as much as she values what the Wardens have done for Thedas, the secrets they keep suggest something more sinister behind the scenes. And Ellana is tired of secrets. The Dalish keep their history so closely guarded that it's turned them into bitter, isolated fools. She thinks there's something wrong with those who always turn inward instead of looking out at the world around them.

Felix's brow raises at that. "No one has the right to judge the Wardens..." he says after a moment. He's from Tevinter, he hasn't seen the full ravages of the Blight in the same way that a Southerner might, but he does know the darkspawn and what they can do.

"And I'm sure that's just because the Wardens say so." She stands from the bed, moving away from him as her annoyance grows. Her determination seems at odds with his willingness to just accept things the way they are. Part of her just wants to do this anyway without telling him about it, but now that he knows she wants to, that will make it that much harder to research. He'll probably tattle on her to the Wardens and they'll be watching out for her and her questions. Great.

"There are some things I'll never understand about you, Felix Alexius." Maybe it's a difference in background, or simply personality, but she's fought to mold her life exactly the way she wants it, and now that she's left the clan and has been exploring elven ruins, she has what she wants. She just wants him too, for decades more, and yet he doesn't want to try to make it happen. Because secrets.

Felix is quiet for a long moment. He seems as if he wants to say something but ends up not letting himself give voice to the words, instead, he settles on saying something else.

"This is the life we agreed we would live, Ellana. The only other choice would have had me in my grave long before now."

Her shoulders slump and she turns her face away from him, holding back her tears. Yes, they had agreed on that, hadn't they? She definitely doesn't mean to come across as being insincere either, but this is how she feels.

"Maybe I hadn't fully understood it until now," she murmurs, still looking away.

Felix is very still now, as her words make a part of him wonder if she means that she wants to end it. Maybe that's exactly what she's saying, and he could even understand that.

After a moment, though, he stands and moves a little closer to her. "You aren't alone in your desire to cure the taint," he says softly. "There are even Wardens who don't fully understand what it means to live with it until after they have to for a while."