[Closed] A perfect storm

[justice_is_blond]

WHO: Anders, established-CR people; poke me on plurk or in Discord for a top level if you'd like!
WHAT: A pair of triggers collide and fuck up Anders
WHEN: Early Guardian
WHERE: The Gallows
NOTES: Panic attacks, possible talk of trauma in the past, related issues, dark thoughts

He'd run from being locked up seven times, knowing that the seventh was a death sentence, and been willing to go in alone to what seemed likely to be a lethal trap (and was) to try to destroy his phylactery. With both of them, life like that wasn't worth it.

Now both are back. He's held again, in a Circle, his phylactery is being messed with, and on top of that he can't heal in Darktown so he can do even less than he could in Kirkwall seven years ago.

Comments

[justice_is_blond]

Slowly he reaches out with a shaking hand, taking Cyril's in a grip that's a little tighter than he means it to be. He feels broken despite all the work he's put into becoming whole and healthy, despite all his friends and husband have done.

[samahl]

Cyril comes closer then and puts his other arm around Anders. "I'm here. Tell me if there is something I can do."

[justice_is_blond]

'Kick sense into your clanmate' doesn't seem a fair thing to ask, though it's the first thing that comes to mind. Instead, he leans into the hold and lets his brain work at the offer a little longer.

"I don't know," he finally says. "Anyone with... All they need is official backing and they can take everything away. All I've done, it's not enough."

[samahl]

There are many times where Cyril wishes he could do just that, but he can't read Anders mind to share that fact.

Cyril frowns. "I don't think that."

[justice_is_blond]

He exhales heavily. Cyril's words are kind, but he doesn't know how he hasn't failed.

"One order. One misguided, poorly informed order, and we're locked up. It's not contagious," he repeats, "but they can't simply secure the Rifters and Templars to avoid a panic, they have to lock everyone up. I thought I could trust Beleth and I was wrong. So wrong. If there's no protection for mages against an order getting them locked up, what have I achieved in the long run? It can go right back."

[samahl]

Cyril presses his lips together to stop himself from saying anything about Beleth. Instead, he moves closer and rubs Anders's arm.

"In the long run, I think more people would protest if they attempted to lock mages up for good. More people understand why that's wrong." He pauses a moment, frowning. "I would fight for your freedom, and I know that I'm not alone. If they expanded this quarantine for longer than the illness, there would be a fight."

[justice_is_blond]

He leans against Cyril, letting the words play in his head. There would be a fight this time. Cyril. Nate. Most of the Wardens even, he thinks, not able to think of any who wouldn't at least fight for the three Warden mages. Some of the Rifters, possibly. Many of the mages. He doesn't want there to be more fighting, but they can't lose freedom.

"There has to be some way to insure it. Some way to secure it, so that it's not a fight. And I've no idea how to do that. There's no map to a lasting independence; I'm going this blind." He takes a shaky breath. "But not alone, this time."

There is, at least, that.

[samahl]

"If changing the world were easy, more people would do it," Cyril points out. He rubs Anders's back lightly, trying to offer some comfort.

"You won't be alone again, Anders. Too many people are invested."

[justice_is_blond]

He has comfort here, in the midst of all of this mess, a few islands of safety and Cyril is one of them. Anders exhales shakily, nodding.

"History won't repeat any time soon. We have enough. For now." The future matters a lot, but now matters too and he appreciates not being alone. He takes another breath, getting a hold of himself. "Andraste had it easy, all she had to do was write and die."

It's not something he'd say to most humans, but he doesn't think it's going to horrify Cyril.

[samahl]

The opposite, really. Cyril smiles a bit at the dark humor there. "Please try to avoid the second one for as long as possible, hm?" he comments. "I like having you around."

[justice_is_blond]

Cyril gets a faint smile back.

"I've gotten fairly good at avoiding the second one, somehow. Don't ask how." Twice he's been absolutely ready to die. Now he has so much to live for that he fights for it with a dangerous desperation, and fears its loss.

"But I've motivation for avoiding the last as long as possible. I promise."

[samahl]

"Good," Cyril replies, grinning in a reassuring sort of way. "I will hold you do that, you know. We've crossed into the Fade before, if you fail I'll find a way back in just to take you back out of it and give you a talking to."

[justice_is_blond]

His smile strengthens as he leans against Cyril.

"Hearing that means the world, Cyril. I'm lucky to have you for a friend."

[samahl]

"And I you," Cyril replies. He rubs Anders' arm lightly. "Let me know if there is anything I can help with?"

/wraps?

[justice_is_blond]

"I will." He reaches over to give Cyril's hand a squeeze. "Thank you, Cyril."