[closed] it's not the long walk home that will change this heart

[onlyhymns]

WHO: Cade, Nari, a healer at the end (Sam?)
WHAT: a camping trip turned awkward family reunion
WHEN: sometime in Guardian w/e
WHERE: the easternmost edge of the Planasene forest
NOTES: warning for violence, discussion of self-harm and sexual abuse of a child

Between the flu, the fire, and Kit's passing, things have been rough lately. One of the few boons of Cade's excommunication from the Templars has been an abundance of freedom, with which, until recently, he had no idea what to do.
But sometimes one just needs to get out of the city. Not on a special mission or anything serious, just a little hunting trip, a pocket of time spent in the quiet isolation of nature. It's the one thing he missed from his time in the Hinterlands, and perhaps it's time to do it again.

Nari is invited, for her particular losses, and for her help throughout the flu. She looked out for him, and he's worried what she might do if left alone in the wake of her grief. Perhaps it's best if they both remove themselves for a while.

In separate tents, of course.

It's on the edge of the Planasene where they finally make a less temporary camp, setting up to stay for a few days by a small creek in a grove well-insulated from the still sharp winter winds. It's early morning, and the horses are lazing tethered to a tree, content to spend the day eating grass and rolling in whatever dust is nearby.
Cade is preparing for the day, sitting by the fire and sharpening his arrows, waiting for Nari to join him so they can cast out.

Comments

[samahl]

"This place... Well, this organization. The Inquisition. You, the others. Even Sam and the humans I've met here. That's the first time I've ever felt like I truly belonged. I never felt that way with the Clan, not really. Not completely, anyway."

He moves to sit with her and then sighs a bit. "I know that's probably not very comforting to you, given what you just went through, but hearing you say that we're almost like a Clan here was very comforting to me. It says that I might not be totally broken for feeling the same. And it means that I would do anything to protect you, and make sure you feel at home."

[nadasharillen]

After nodding slowly while he talks, Nari says "it... is, though. Comforting. I've been feeling displaced too. Ever since Sina died, it's like I'm a sail flapping free in the wind. Holding myself to the work orders, the daily routine, I'm just barely..." she trails off, rubs her toes speculatively, and then starts again. "I feel like I'm holding on to myself with my fingernails. I thought going to the forest would make it better, but it's worse."

Tentatively, Nahariel leans over to rest her head against Cyril's shoulder. "But you're here and I'm glad of it. You're not broken, and... maybe I'm not either. Maybe changing just feels like breaking sometimes."

[samahl]

Cyril puts an arm around her, giving her more space to lean against him. "Sometimes," he agrees. "It does. A bit like a butterfly, I'm imagine. The cocoon is tight and unforgiving, but we're all the more beautiful for it."

[nadasharillen]

She's content to sit with that thought for a while, relaxed against Cyril's side as she had been against Isen's, but eventually snorts with gentle amusement. "When I come out, will I have eyes like yours? Seriously, Cyril, how many cocoons have you come out of? How do you do that."

[samahl]

Cyril chuckles gently. "While I am never one to shy away from speaking of my many wonderful physical features, I would counter that you should be proud to have eyes like yours.

Green is probably one of my favorite colors for eyes."

And he's going right on pretending that that doesn't hint to some feelings for some other elves with bright green eyes. That would never happen.

"And you always seem far more certain than I am. I just cover up my uncertainty with a lot of kohl."

[nadasharillen]

It had never really occurred to Nari to be proud of her eyes. Or anything else for that matter. Or even think about it. Really, she was neutral about the entirety of having a body, so long as it worked.

To hear Cyril say so now, however, makes her oddly pleased. And also wonder if it was an objective assessment. Maybe everyone thought they were nice. That would be...

irrelevant!

“Well... serannas, lethallin. I don’t feel all that certain these days. Maybe I should take up wearing kohl,” she says with a smile, elbowing him gently. “If that is what’s doing it, it’s working. Talking with you is always reassuring, and you always seem gracefully collected. Maybe we’re all of us a mess and just covering it well, eh?”

[samahl]

Cyril nods at that. "Maybe we are." He feels as if he's exposed a lot about himself all of the sudden, and yet instead of panicking over the idea of it, it's reassuring.

Nari was one of the elves here he hasn't spent a ton of time around. It felt as if they mostly were around each other during times of turmoil - Merrick's poisoning, Sina's illness, and now Cade's attack - and yet he wanted to let her know how important she could be.

"For now, we should focus on healing. Both you and Cade are going to need a lot of it."

[nadasharillen]

Cade she understood, but, "Me?" she asks, drawing back a bit to peer up at Cyril curiously. "I took no injuries."

[samahl]

"You experienced something traumatic," Cyril points out. "And you watched a friend as he was attacked by people who were part of your Clan."

[nadasharillen]

Nari thins her lips, her gaze sliding downwards. "It doesn't seem comparable. It was difficult, of course, but," she sighs and smooths the fabric of the clothes he'd lent her where it had bunched with her movement, "life does that, Cyril. I can't near bleed out twice from feeling things."

Then again, you couldn't bind the heart like you could a wound. Couldn't watch to see how it was healing, feel the edges to see if it had taken sick. And it could have killed her, after Sina. She had been more than ready to sleep in the snow in her clansister's forest and never wake. Would have, after the weeks of sleeplessness, poor eating, and the like, except for Cade's dogged persistence in praying in all weather.

Why was it, when most of that time was lost in a dull haze, that she could remember with crystalline clarity the bright glint of the sun's first slanted rays in his hair as he'd carried her? Nari pushes the heels of both hands into her eyelids in a fervent attempt to banish the thought.

"...Maybe you're right."

[samahl]

He moves his hand so that he can rub her back a bit. It's really just meant to help comfort her. Touch like that would help Merrick, sometimes, when he was lost in emotions. Cyril doesn't think that Nari is in that dark of a place, but it's still a heavy thing to deal with.

Even more so when it's on top of lingering grief.

"It's bound to happen some time," he replies to the claim he might be right.

"There's no shame in feeling things, lethallan."

[nadasharillen]

Considering the set of thoughts Nari had just been having, Cyril's assertion that there's no shame in feeling things propels a single bark of resigned laughter from her. It feels unkind, he'd meant it to be comforting, and, again, it was but...

(there were so many 'buts' these days)

She pulls a hand through her hair and pinches the bridge of her nose, tries to instead focus on the feel of Cyril's hand on her back. "I'm sorry. Again. You're being so kind and hospitable and I'm being an ass about it," she says regretfully, leaning back into his shoulder.

"I haven't even asked. How are you and Sam doing?" Nari queries gently, "he said Kirk had... gone home. That must be..." she shakes her head slightly, trying to imagine. At least when Sina left her life she'd known. Could see it. With a loved one just disappearing like that, not knowing if they'd ever return, if they were okay wherever they were. There were no words for it.

[samahl]

Cyril gives her a wry smile. "You're allowed to be that too," he points out, at least telling her that he doesn't take her laughing at the thought personally.


Then she asks about Sam and something sad crosses Cyril's face. "I... I don't even know what to do to make this any easier. Kirk wasn't the first Rifter we've lost, but he was the hardest, and Sam... Sam went to bed with him and woke up with him gone. And then his magic started to go a little crazy. It's been so much for him to deal with. I really hate that things just can't be easy for him. He's such a wonderful person. He should be able to catch some kind of break, right? But since when does Thedas care about that sort of thing?"

[nadasharillen]

The corner of her mouth pulls up when Cyril lets her know she's fine, but drops again slowly as he talks about what had happened.

"Since never," Nari murmurs when he asks, even though it wasn't really a question meant for her. She knew too many good people who'd had their lives destroyed, seen too many cruel ones dancing blithely through life to think there was justice in it. It made her prefer the imprisoned Creators to the Maker's lofty plan; at least their gods had an excuse.

"There's not much we can do, I don't think. Be there, I suppose," she says, her voice tinged with sorrow. She raises a hand to place it on Cyril's back in turn. "And remember that you can be supportive and be supported."

Great advice from a woman who stubbornly refuses to apply it to herself.

[samahl]

Cyril offers her a smile. "You realize I now have an excellent quote to use against you, my friend?" he teases just a bit. He might indeed need to pull a 'supportive and supported' out of his hat one day.

[nadasharillen]

"Ah, and so I die, killed by my own blade," Nari says ruefully, hand reaching to grip at her chest. It's mostly a joke. She's relaxed enough now that the day catches up with her all at once, and the hand at her chest rises to cover a yawn.

"Mmh. Should probably get some rest. Staying?" she asks, scooting to curl at the head of the bed. Her family had always slept in close enough quarters that it's natural enough to share. "I don't snore. Or if I do, Sina was forgiving enough to suffer through it without mentioning it."

[samahl]

Cyril looks a little sad at the mention of her and Sina, but he doesn't comment on it. "I think I'll go check on Sam, but you take up as much space as you need, and stay for as long as you like. Consider what is mine yours." He offers her a smile as he moves to let her get comfortable in the bed.

"At least for now," he adds, teasing her a bit with it.

[nadasharillen]

As he teases her, Nari cheekily stretches her limbs out to take up as much of the bed as possible. "When you come back I'll be covered in makeup," she says, "and it will have been applied horribly, and you'll regret having said that."

Her smile shrinks to a small soft one, and the expanded elf contracts back to her previous curl, pulling the blankets over herself. "Thank you," she says quietly, "for everything."