(no subject)

[hearher]

WHO: Carlos and OPEN.
WHAT: It's the annivesary of his mother's death, and Carlos doesn't know what to do really.
WHEN: Begining of Bloomingtide
WHERE: Gallows
NOTES: Mentions of corporal punishment and child abuse and nelect

Carlos isn't really sure what he is meant to do on the anniversary of his mother's execution. Is it a day meant to be celebrated? Mourned? Ignored? He never fully processes it, even though it's been so long since it happened. All it does is bring memories of her to his mind, which makes him feel small and young all over again.

The weather seems to want to agree with him as it's rainy and unpleasant. He spends most of the day inside because of that, studying and helping with the healers where he can. But then towards the middle of the afternoon being cooped up makes him feel trapped - almost like he's that little boy living in a small closet all over again.

So he finds his way outside. And he lets the rain pour down on him. He probably looks a bit mad, letting himself get soaked, but he feels almost as if it's cleansing him. He isn't even fully aware that anyone is around to judge him.

Comments

Anders

[hearher]

If he's honest, he should have done this a while ago. Right after his conversation with James, in fact, but there had been such a weird and intense level of fear and shame that he had put it off. And then the mages had gone on strike and he and Mal had been busy doing other errands.

Now though, he realizes he needs to confront this fear, and face the shame that comes with it. Whatever else he has done, Anders is a person and he deserves to be treated as one.

So Carlos finds himself seeking out Anders one afternoon when things seem mostly quiet. When he finds Anders he seems anxious and pale - almost like he feels sick to his stomach. "Uh, Anders, ser? Do-do you think I could have a moment of your time?"

[aceso]

It's several hours past lunch and Christine doesn't relish being outside in this rain, but she had to deliver more cleansing runes to the armory. There'd been no point in delaying, and now she takes long strides back towards the tower with her hood held firmly in place between her fingers. Seeing Carlos out here isn't so much a surprise, but it's the fact that he's standing still in it that worries her. Surely he could be waiting for someone inside? Why isn't he hurrying about his business like the rest of them?

"Carlos! You are soaked through! Whatever possessed you to stand out here like this?" Not waiting for an answer, she beckons to him to come with her up the stairs. "We must get inside and get you some dry clothes."

[hearher]

Carlos starts as Christine pulls him out of his thoughts. He blinks a couple of times and seems to slowly realize that she's right.

"Oh. Of course." He offers her an apologetic smile and then moves closer. "I was sick of being cooped up, I guess."

[aceso]

Reaching out, she puts an arm around him to help guide him indoors. She tsks gently at his behavior.

"Well! I can understand that, but to just stand out here? It is not good for you. Do you room in one of the towers so you can change clothes?"

[justice_is_blond]

He stops putting corks into vials and turns so he can face Carlos as he raises an eyebrow. Being approached by the younger mage is extremely low down on the list of things he'd expected.

"What is it?" he asks, not entirely willing to give full permission. Their last conversation had hurt, and it takes no little effort to keep from crossing his arms over his chest as he stands there. Maybe he should have kept working, kept his hands busy, but now it would look weird if he suddenly turned back.

[unshadowing]

Carver almost doesn't recognize him at first, given that he just initially sees some rain-soaked kid standing out in the middle of a downpour. But a second glance has him pausing and reassessing. Then it kicks in.

"You're going to get yourself damn sick doing that."

[hearher]

Carlos winces a bit, but in a way that shows that he understands why Anders is taking that tone with him. He takes a breath, steadying himself.

"I came to apologize. The way that I spoke to you before. It wasn't right. I'm sorry," he considers Anders with eyes that are a little wide. There's still fear there, but he doesn't want to keep making everything worse. "You're a person too. I shouldn't let my fear make me treat people poorly. That was wrong."

[hearher]

Carlos wasn't expecting to see Carver so he starts a bit and then looks at him. He adopts an embarrassed little smile.

"Maybe. But being cooped up all day was driving me mad. I'll have to figure out which is worse."

[hearher]

He nods. "Yeah." Then he realizes that she'll probably worry about him without making sure he's safe.

"Did you want to see it? I can get clothes and then maybe we can get something to eat together?"

[unshadowing]

"You know, they have things called coats with hoods to keep off the rain." Like the one Carver's sporting now, as luck would have it. "Or was getting completely soaked part of the plan to stave off the madness? Because that's a first, if that's the case."

[aceso]

"Yes. I was planning on getting you something to eat after you were nice and dry. Lead on, and I will make sure you are looked after." She shakes her head a little, marveling at the fact that he was simply standing there, unfazed by his state. Perhaps were this an August shower she would feel differently, but these early Bloomingtide showers still carry a chill to them that isn't healthy.

[justice_is_blond]

"What I went through does not justify what I did, but it was the starting point of it," he starts quietly, forcing back his anger. Carlos is clearly still afraid, and snapping at him would be petty. Satisfying, probably, for a few moments, but petty and then guilt-inducing after those few moments are over.

"My experience is valid. My suffering is not less simply because I learned to do as the Templars did. You..." He trails off and then finds his voice again. "You were also hurt. That's why you're afraid, and that's why I can forgive you. Because even if you don't care to hear it, I understand pain leading to rashness."

Mercy is also ever-present, which helps Carlos' case, but that's not something that's going to be mentioned right now. Some mages don't take well to thoughts of spirits being figuratively closeby and he's not going to risk spooking Carlos further.

He takes a breath, looking Carlos over as he picks up an empty vial and plays with it in his hands.

"Was that all? I'll not force you to linger. You look terrified, as if you still may not fully see me as a person, but as something that might attack." There's a little frustration in the quiet voice, but he works to moderate it. "If you care to stay and speak with me for a time, you may, though. I also will not force you out the door."

[hearher]

A part of Carlos wants to take advantage of that offer, but Anders is right about his emotions, and that's what makes him stay.

"You're right. I am afraid. All of the time, and I've never been able to do anything brave or strong to face that. I thought being here, with the Inquisition, would help, but..." He looks down at the ground, not really sure that Anders is the person to tell this stuff too, but since the subject came out he isn't sure he can stop himself.

"It hasn't. It's just worst. It's constant. And exhausting."

[hearher]

Carlos realizes just how cold he is once he's inside. Outside he had been mostly numb, but once he has dry air to contrast it with hr has a chill to his bones. He rushes a bit to his room because of that.

It's a standard Gallows room but Mal's additions have made it a bit more colorful than others. "Um, I'll be right back," he says, a little awkwardly. As he disappears behind the screen he and Mal use for privacy for things like changing.

[hearher]

Carlos looks over Carver and then manages a smile. "You do happen to look good in yours, it's true. I think it might be a bit too big for me though."

Then after a moment, "To be honest, I was hoping to wash away bad memories. I guess rainwater doesn't have that trait though. Maybe we should go inside?"

[aceso]

"Of course," she replies, taking the opportunity to check out the space from her spot by the door. It's clearly very Mal if her hair is any indication of her feelings on color.

"Were you lost in thought out there? I cannot understand how you could stand it."

[hearher]

Carlos dresses in a hurry, though there really isn't anything he can do with his hair. It's going to dry and be unmanageable for a while.

"Sort of. It's... uh. It's the anniversary of my mother's death today. I needed to clear my head." It's still weird to say a loud, even with all of the years between now and then.

"And before you express sympathy, please don't. The world is better off without her," he adds in a hurry. Christine is such an empathetic person at times, he could see her offering emotional support over the death when that wasn't the part that was bothering him.

[aceso]

He's right in thinking that Christine would want to empathize, having lost a parent herself, but he doesn't give her the opportunity to do so.

"I see." A pause. "But you needed to clear your head. Were you perhaps wondering what you should be feeling?"

[hearher]

He pokes his head out from behind the screen to look at her and the expression on his face says that she got it in one.

"I guess," he says, before disappearing again to finish pulling on a clean robe. He comes out from behind the screen then and faces her more fully.

"A part of me wants to celebrate, but that seems so morbid."

[justice_is_blond]

Anders takes another breath, getting a hold of his temper and mood in general. Sometimes that's not an easy task for him either, and the boy is trying.

"I have lived with fear," he finally says. "I still do, some days." There's a short pause as he looks at Carlos and comes to a decision.

"Take a seat if you're staying, at least. There's no point to talking and standing, especially if we're taking on the topic of fear. Water?" There are a few cups on a table with a pitcher, he fills one and sets it on his desk before waiting for Carlos' answer about another.

Around Lunch

[judgemewhole]

There is a plate that suddenly appears at Carlos's elbow, like magic, around lunchtime. It is perched on a stack of books, and in front of him is placed a warm mug of tea. Across from him, James drops down into a seat with his own mug of tea.

Under the table, there is the snuffling of a mabari, who is looking for pets.

James doesn't look at Carlos, just comments to the ceiling, "We thought you might forget to eat today."

[aceso]

All of Christine's nosiness and worrying does have some benefits, like being able to read between the lines at times.

"I can see how it would be. I think Nevarrans are the only ones who celebrate death as such." And they're just weird.

"I take it she was not a good person, but being that she was your flesh and blood, you do not know if you should be glad she is gone?"

[mal_adjusted]

The day starts with Mal gone, but on Carlos's dresser is one of the sweet rolls that he likes, and a cup of warm green tea.

Mid-day, when Carlos is off doing something, he'll return to a sketch of himself playing with the Inquisition's dogs, a laugh in his eyes and on his face.

Then with the rain, when Carlos finds himself outside once more, a tarp floats over to keep the rain off his head. Off on the side, Mal leans against the doorway, her green eyes distant and a mock scowl on her face.

"Hey! Moron! Aren't you a healer? Shouldn't you know standing out in the freezing rain is going to give you a damned chill?"

[hearher]

Mal's presence has been a great help throughout the entire day. And now he turns and looks at her and then chuckles in an embarrassed sort of way.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm coming in," he promises her as he turns to get out from the rain. "I just didn't want to be cooped up any more."

[hearher]

Carlos sighed at that and then nodded, accepting the accuracy of that statement. "She hurt a lot of people. I don't think anyone was sad when she was gone."