(no subject)

[hearher]

WHO: Carlos and OPEN.
WHAT: It's the annivesary of his mother's death, and Carlos doesn't know what to do really.
WHEN: Begining of Bloomingtide
WHERE: Gallows
NOTES: Mentions of corporal punishment and child abuse and nelect

Carlos isn't really sure what he is meant to do on the anniversary of his mother's execution. Is it a day meant to be celebrated? Mourned? Ignored? He never fully processes it, even though it's been so long since it happened. All it does is bring memories of her to his mind, which makes him feel small and young all over again.

The weather seems to want to agree with him as it's rainy and unpleasant. He spends most of the day inside because of that, studying and helping with the healers where he can. But then towards the middle of the afternoon being cooped up makes him feel trapped - almost like he's that little boy living in a small closet all over again.

So he finds his way outside. And he lets the rain pour down on him. He probably looks a bit mad, letting himself get soaked, but he feels almost as if it's cleansing him. He isn't even fully aware that anyone is around to judge him.

Comments

Anders

[hearher]

If he's honest, he should have done this a while ago. Right after his conversation with James, in fact, but there had been such a weird and intense level of fear and shame that he had put it off. And then the mages had gone on strike and he and Mal had been busy doing other errands.

Now though, he realizes he needs to confront this fear, and face the shame that comes with it. Whatever else he has done, Anders is a person and he deserves to be treated as one.

So Carlos finds himself seeking out Anders one afternoon when things seem mostly quiet. When he finds Anders he seems anxious and pale - almost like he feels sick to his stomach. "Uh, Anders, ser? Do-do you think I could have a moment of your time?"

[justice_is_blond]

He stops putting corks into vials and turns so he can face Carlos as he raises an eyebrow. Being approached by the younger mage is extremely low down on the list of things he'd expected.

"What is it?" he asks, not entirely willing to give full permission. Their last conversation had hurt, and it takes no little effort to keep from crossing his arms over his chest as he stands there. Maybe he should have kept working, kept his hands busy, but now it would look weird if he suddenly turned back.

[hearher]

Carlos winces a bit, but in a way that shows that he understands why Anders is taking that tone with him. He takes a breath, steadying himself.

"I came to apologize. The way that I spoke to you before. It wasn't right. I'm sorry," he considers Anders with eyes that are a little wide. There's still fear there, but he doesn't want to keep making everything worse. "You're a person too. I shouldn't let my fear make me treat people poorly. That was wrong."

[justice_is_blond]

"What I went through does not justify what I did, but it was the starting point of it," he starts quietly, forcing back his anger. Carlos is clearly still afraid, and snapping at him would be petty. Satisfying, probably, for a few moments, but petty and then guilt-inducing after those few moments are over.

"My experience is valid. My suffering is not less simply because I learned to do as the Templars did. You..." He trails off and then finds his voice again. "You were also hurt. That's why you're afraid, and that's why I can forgive you. Because even if you don't care to hear it, I understand pain leading to rashness."

Mercy is also ever-present, which helps Carlos' case, but that's not something that's going to be mentioned right now. Some mages don't take well to thoughts of spirits being figuratively closeby and he's not going to risk spooking Carlos further.

He takes a breath, looking Carlos over as he picks up an empty vial and plays with it in his hands.

"Was that all? I'll not force you to linger. You look terrified, as if you still may not fully see me as a person, but as something that might attack." There's a little frustration in the quiet voice, but he works to moderate it. "If you care to stay and speak with me for a time, you may, though. I also will not force you out the door."

[hearher]

A part of Carlos wants to take advantage of that offer, but Anders is right about his emotions, and that's what makes him stay.

"You're right. I am afraid. All of the time, and I've never been able to do anything brave or strong to face that. I thought being here, with the Inquisition, would help, but..." He looks down at the ground, not really sure that Anders is the person to tell this stuff too, but since the subject came out he isn't sure he can stop himself.

"It hasn't. It's just worst. It's constant. And exhausting."

[aceso]

It's several hours past lunch and Christine doesn't relish being outside in this rain, but she had to deliver more cleansing runes to the armory. There'd been no point in delaying, and now she takes long strides back towards the tower with her hood held firmly in place between her fingers. Seeing Carlos out here isn't so much a surprise, but it's the fact that he's standing still in it that worries her. Surely he could be waiting for someone inside? Why isn't he hurrying about his business like the rest of them?

"Carlos! You are soaked through! Whatever possessed you to stand out here like this?" Not waiting for an answer, she beckons to him to come with her up the stairs. "We must get inside and get you some dry clothes."

[hearher]

Carlos starts as Christine pulls him out of his thoughts. He blinks a couple of times and seems to slowly realize that she's right.

"Oh. Of course." He offers her an apologetic smile and then moves closer. "I was sick of being cooped up, I guess."

[aceso]

Reaching out, she puts an arm around him to help guide him indoors. She tsks gently at his behavior.

"Well! I can understand that, but to just stand out here? It is not good for you. Do you room in one of the towers so you can change clothes?"

[hearher]

He nods. "Yeah." Then he realizes that she'll probably worry about him without making sure he's safe.

"Did you want to see it? I can get clothes and then maybe we can get something to eat together?"

[aceso]

"Yes. I was planning on getting you something to eat after you were nice and dry. Lead on, and I will make sure you are looked after." She shakes her head a little, marveling at the fact that he was simply standing there, unfazed by his state. Perhaps were this an August shower she would feel differently, but these early Bloomingtide showers still carry a chill to them that isn't healthy.

[unshadowing]

Carver almost doesn't recognize him at first, given that he just initially sees some rain-soaked kid standing out in the middle of a downpour. But a second glance has him pausing and reassessing. Then it kicks in.

"You're going to get yourself damn sick doing that."

[hearher]

Carlos wasn't expecting to see Carver so he starts a bit and then looks at him. He adopts an embarrassed little smile.

"Maybe. But being cooped up all day was driving me mad. I'll have to figure out which is worse."

[unshadowing]

"You know, they have things called coats with hoods to keep off the rain." Like the one Carver's sporting now, as luck would have it. "Or was getting completely soaked part of the plan to stave off the madness? Because that's a first, if that's the case."

[hearher]

Carlos looks over Carver and then manages a smile. "You do happen to look good in yours, it's true. I think it might be a bit too big for me though."

Then after a moment, "To be honest, I was hoping to wash away bad memories. I guess rainwater doesn't have that trait though. Maybe we should go inside?"

[unshadowing]

Oh, the joking-to-deflect-the-issue types. But at least he follows up with an honest reason. "It'd swallow you."

Bad memories. He can understand. Really, who couldn't, but all the same catching a cold will only worsen things. The memories will be there, and he'll have a cold on top of that misery. "No, it doesn't, last I checked. But it is capable of giving someone a chill, so yes. Inside to dry up."

Around Lunch

[judgemewhole]

There is a plate that suddenly appears at Carlos's elbow, like magic, around lunchtime. It is perched on a stack of books, and in front of him is placed a warm mug of tea. Across from him, James drops down into a seat with his own mug of tea.

Under the table, there is the snuffling of a mabari, who is looking for pets.

James doesn't look at Carlos, just comments to the ceiling, "We thought you might forget to eat today."

[hearher]

Carlos is always there to give pets to a mabari and for a moment he was temporarily distracted by the dog. Then he looked up at James.

"I..." he starts, but he can't deny it. "That's probably true. Thank you." He pulls the food closer to himself and starts to poke it.

[judgemewhole]

"You are quite welcome. Do not be concerned, more food will be coming later." He stated simply, as Interceptor wolfed agreeably. He glanced over at the young man, before stating quietly, "You have grown a great deal, since we first met. You are ... so much stronger now."

[hearher]

A blush creeps into Carlos's face. He rubs his neck in an embarrassed sort of way. "Well, I was just a kid when we first met." He had been eleven and skinny from neglect.

[judgemewhole]

"Yes, it's true ... but I have seen many scarred children in my time. Most have come out more fragile, closer to breaking. You are made of sterner stuff, Carolus. Every year, you get a little stronger, and you move a little further away from your past." James gave him a quiet smile. "It's good to see."

[mal_adjusted]

The day starts with Mal gone, but on Carlos's dresser is one of the sweet rolls that he likes, and a cup of warm green tea.

Mid-day, when Carlos is off doing something, he'll return to a sketch of himself playing with the Inquisition's dogs, a laugh in his eyes and on his face.

Then with the rain, when Carlos finds himself outside once more, a tarp floats over to keep the rain off his head. Off on the side, Mal leans against the doorway, her green eyes distant and a mock scowl on her face.

"Hey! Moron! Aren't you a healer? Shouldn't you know standing out in the freezing rain is going to give you a damned chill?"

[hearher]

Mal's presence has been a great help throughout the entire day. And now he turns and looks at her and then chuckles in an embarrassed sort of way.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm coming in," he promises her as he turns to get out from the rain. "I just didn't want to be cooped up any more."

[mal_adjusted]

"If you don't want to be cooped up, then we get on some cloaks and sludge across the bay, risking our lives to get to the docks." Came Mal's dry response, "You want to get some plague, stand out in the rain."

She turns and hands him a dry blanket when he's out of the damp. "Come on. We'll have to get you dried off before we go to dinner. They won't let you eat if you're waterlogged."

[hearher]

"That's... a good point," he admits. Mal has a way of saying the truth in as blunt a way as possible. He wraps himself in the blanket and uses a corner to dry his hair. "Dry clothes and food sounds like a good idea."

[mal_adjusted]

"Well of course it is. I said it." Mal said off-handedly, as she lead the way back up to their rooms. "Beyond that, I haven't had a chance to eat all day. Been running about like a chicken with no head."