faderift | (no subject)

WHO: Carlos and OPEN.
WHAT: It's the annivesary of his mother's death, and Carlos doesn't know what to do really.
WHEN: Begining of Bloomingtide
WHERE: Gallows
NOTES: Mentions of corporal punishment and child abuse and nelect

Carlos isn't really sure what he is meant to do on the anniversary of his mother's execution. Is it a day meant to be celebrated? Mourned? Ignored? He never fully processes it, even though it's been so long since it happened. All it does is bring memories of her to his mind, which makes him feel small and young all over again.

The weather seems to want to agree with him as it's rainy and unpleasant. He spends most of the day inside because of that, studying and helping with the healers where he can. But then towards the middle of the afternoon being cooped up makes him feel trapped - almost like he's that little boy living in a small closet all over again.

So he finds his way outside. And he lets the rain pour down on him. He probably looks a bit mad, letting himself get soaked, but he feels almost as if it's cleansing him. He isn't even fully aware that anyone is around to judge him.

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"What I went through does not justify what I did, but it was the starting point of it," he starts quietly, forcing back his anger. Carlos is clearly still afraid, and snapping at him would be petty. Satisfying, probably, for a few moments, but petty and then guilt-inducing after those few moments are over.

"My experience is valid. My suffering is not less simply because I learned to do as the Templars did. You..." He trails off and then finds his voice again. "You were also hurt. That's why you're afraid, and that's why I can forgive you. Because even if you don't care to hear it, I understand pain leading to rashness."

Mercy is also ever-present, which helps Carlos' case, but that's not something that's going to be mentioned right now. Some mages don't take well to thoughts of spirits being figuratively closeby and he's not going to risk spooking Carlos further.

He takes a breath, looking Carlos over as he picks up an empty vial and plays with it in his hands.

"Was that all? I'll not force you to linger. You look terrified, as if you still may not fully see me as a person, but as something that might attack." There's a little frustration in the quiet voice, but he works to moderate it. "If you care to stay and speak with me for a time, you may, though. I also will not force you out the door."

A part of Carlos wants to take advantage of that offer, but Anders is right about his emotions, and that's what makes him stay.

"You're right. I am afraid. All of the time, and I've never been able to do anything brave or strong to face that. I thought being here, with the Inquisition, would help, but..." He looks down at the ground, not really sure that Anders is the person to tell this stuff too, but since the subject came out he isn't sure he can stop himself.

"It hasn't. It's just worst. It's constant. And exhausting."

Anders takes another breath, getting a hold of his temper and mood in general. Sometimes that's not an easy task for him either, and the boy is trying.

"I have lived with fear," he finally says. "I still do, some days." There's a short pause as he looks at Carlos and comes to a decision.

"Take a seat if you're staying, at least. There's no point to talking and standing, especially if we're taking on the topic of fear. Water?" There are a few cups on a table with a pitcher, he fills one and sets it on his desk before waiting for Carlos' answer about another.

Carlos nods at the offer for water and then sits down on the seat. His posture is perfect, despite his anxiety. He folds his hands in his lap.

"What did you do to deal with it? The fear I mean?" The only thing that he knows about Anders is what happened in this city before. He doesn't know any techniques that Anders may have used beforehand.

He fills and hands over the second cup before leaning back against his desk.

"Do. It is an ongoing process." He takes a breath, gaze weighing Carlos for several minutes. "The shortest answer is confronting the fear, each and every one, seeing what is valid about them but also seeing what is invalid. Let's say someone fears spiders. I know," he says, holding up a hand in case the boy wants to interrupt, "it's far from the type of fear either of us is speaking about, but it is an easy example."

Anders takes a sip of his water before continuing. "What's valid? Some spiders have bites that become infected at an alarming rate, some have poison in their fangs, and spider bites can hurt. What's invalid? Letting a spider control your life. Even the giant ones can be dealt with, and to cut back on your life because of spiders is ridiculous. Does that make sense, so far?"

Carlos doesn't seem as if he wants to interrupt. If anything, he seems as if he wants to listen to everything that Anders says. The longer he listens, the less afraid he seems. His anxiety eases bit by bit.

"It does," he agrees. "Some fears make sense, and others don't."

Being listened to by someone who had attacked him previously is not something Anders had expected to come of today. It catches him slightly off guard and raises the boy a little in his estimation.

"When you break them down you can know more clearly what ones help you, and what ones hinder. Some fear is good for life - you'll want to take caution in Darktown, for instance. But fear that keeps you from living..."

He trails off for a moment. When he speaks again, it's more slow. "I fear loss. Three, three and a half times, the Chantry and Circles have taken everything from me. The thought of losing it all again is terrifying. I could have let it stop me. Many mages have, because it's about self-preservation. And, in fact, I did let it stop me from living for a time. I was alone, where I'd hurt no one and no one would hurt me. And it's not a life. So now I'm here, I've made friends, I've fallen in love again, I've married, and I am aware that I could lose it all but I am choosing to continue. I'm living instead of simply existing. Every mission he goes out on I have to face my fear... and accept it and trust him. Does my fear have rational roots? Yes. But if I let it influence me it becomes irrational."

There's a slightly guarded look on his face. Here is an opening where Carlos could say something about Anders not deserving a life, or something like that, and Anders isn't fully braced for it but he's trying to be in case.

Carlos doesn't say anything like that. Instead, his face seems empathetic, and a little concerned. He doesn't seem to think that Anders doesn't deserve that, instead there's a level of worry for his situation.

"That's something we all have to face, while we're here. The world isn't safe, and anyone who goes on a mission might not come back." He wrapped his arms around his body. "That is terrifying, but I see what you're saying. If we let it stop us from doing anything we'd never move again."