faderift | (no subject)

WHO: Carlos and OPEN.
WHAT: It's the annivesary of his mother's death, and Carlos doesn't know what to do really.
WHEN: Begining of Bloomingtide
WHERE: Gallows
NOTES: Mentions of corporal punishment and child abuse and nelect

Carlos isn't really sure what he is meant to do on the anniversary of his mother's execution. Is it a day meant to be celebrated? Mourned? Ignored? He never fully processes it, even though it's been so long since it happened. All it does is bring memories of her to his mind, which makes him feel small and young all over again.

The weather seems to want to agree with him as it's rainy and unpleasant. He spends most of the day inside because of that, studying and helping with the healers where he can. But then towards the middle of the afternoon being cooped up makes him feel trapped - almost like he's that little boy living in a small closet all over again.

So he finds his way outside. And he lets the rain pour down on him. He probably looks a bit mad, letting himself get soaked, but he feels almost as if it's cleansing him. He isn't even fully aware that anyone is around to judge him.

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Carlos doesn't seem as if he wants to interrupt. If anything, he seems as if he wants to listen to everything that Anders says. The longer he listens, the less afraid he seems. His anxiety eases bit by bit.

"It does," he agrees. "Some fears make sense, and others don't."

Being listened to by someone who had attacked him previously is not something Anders had expected to come of today. It catches him slightly off guard and raises the boy a little in his estimation.

"When you break them down you can know more clearly what ones help you, and what ones hinder. Some fear is good for life - you'll want to take caution in Darktown, for instance. But fear that keeps you from living..."

He trails off for a moment. When he speaks again, it's more slow. "I fear loss. Three, three and a half times, the Chantry and Circles have taken everything from me. The thought of losing it all again is terrifying. I could have let it stop me. Many mages have, because it's about self-preservation. And, in fact, I did let it stop me from living for a time. I was alone, where I'd hurt no one and no one would hurt me. And it's not a life. So now I'm here, I've made friends, I've fallen in love again, I've married, and I am aware that I could lose it all but I am choosing to continue. I'm living instead of simply existing. Every mission he goes out on I have to face my fear... and accept it and trust him. Does my fear have rational roots? Yes. But if I let it influence me it becomes irrational."

There's a slightly guarded look on his face. Here is an opening where Carlos could say something about Anders not deserving a life, or something like that, and Anders isn't fully braced for it but he's trying to be in case.

Carlos doesn't say anything like that. Instead, his face seems empathetic, and a little concerned. He doesn't seem to think that Anders doesn't deserve that, instead there's a level of worry for his situation.

"That's something we all have to face, while we're here. The world isn't safe, and anyone who goes on a mission might not come back." He wrapped his arms around his body. "That is terrifying, but I see what you're saying. If we let it stop us from doing anything we'd never move again."