[ when gwenaëlle's glass reaches half-full, he takes the water pitcher at the table to top it up, smooth and playing into the flow of conversation so as to not disrupt their dinner table. he keeps his eyes on adalia. ]
I did, [ he readily agrees. ] You happened to be in the worst place at the worst time, when I had an already thinned temper. I am sorry.
[ which he's said before, but he'll say again, easily, and mean it. his wrath is a terrible thing, and worse for so rarely coming to the forefront. ]
As for lying, well. I told several that night [ and every night hence, it's kinda his thing. ] but I was attempting to juggle the lives of nearly threescore Rifters against the wrath of the Chantry and the Inquisition. I was near committing sedition, and considering treason, but neither of them proved necessary, so plots were smothered before they had much life to begin with. Which was, [ and he risks another brief bite here, ] very much for the best. Nothing was withheld from you because there was nothing to withhold, and tempers were managed, and you were at the negotiations when they came to pass.
( at the end of the very long, very cool look thranduil receives for watering his wife's wine down, gwenaëlle says, almost off-hand, )
He isn't lying about that now, ( aware that she lacks all in subtlety that thranduil has, and accordingly can be more easily read one way or the other; there's no hint of deceit about her, which means she isn't lying, whereas with thranduil it sometimes just means he's lying very well. ) I was annoyed with him at the time for not committing more sedition.
❰ except clearly that isn't the case, because adalia is still angry. just because his plans didn't end up needing to be enacted doesn't mean there weren't any. iorveth told her to go to thranduil, which he wouldn't have done if he hadn't thought there might be a reason to. there were plans, and she was shut out. it doesn't matter that nothing had come of them in the end. ❱
You want me to feel safe, you don't want me to feel lonely, but only so long as you get to continue to hold yourself apart and so superior, because you're a million and the rest of us might as well be five. All I ever wanted you to do was let me fit and I don't know why that's such a terrible thing to want!
❰ which is, maybe, something she should be saying to solas more than to thranduil, but it's not entirely unfair. thranduil has always been distant from her when she's wanted to be let in, to find the puzzle her weird little piece fits in, so eventually she stopped trying with him.
the angrier adalia gets, the more her anxiety rises. anger gets people hurt, anger doesn't help, but sometimes she can't help herself. adalia's grip on her chair is so tight her knuckles are beginning to bleed white, the tension just enough to keep her from shaking. ❱
( now, that is for thranduil—but she can already hear the stupid words that are about to come out of his stupid mouth, so gwenaëlle holds a hand up to stop him without looking, reaching out her other (with no visible hesitation, no, that came the moment before she made the gesture at all) to very gently lay over adalia's white knuckles.
gentler than she usually is: )
Adalia, you've never said that before.
( she thinks she might not know. that she might not know they didn't know; that she thought she was bleeding behind glass, and not brick walls. that everyone simply didn't look. )
It isn't a terrible thing to want, but you've never said it. The appallingly old get less intuitive, not more. If I can't see that that's what you're looking for, when I'm about five minutes— ( give or take five years ) —older than you are, someone who last tried to learn belonging from his elders before my culture was born doesn't have the perspective.
[ obedient, he keeps his mouth shut while his wife untangles adalia for him, saves them both from stumbling back down paths they've already trod. he's halfway done with his meal, and she hasn't even touched hers. when she's finished: ]
I cannot be both your teacher and your peer, Adalia. I would ask that you choose one.
[ and gwenaëlle's right. his perspective, honed as it is, allows him to miss things that others catch easily. but he cannot discard the wisdom or his time without ceasing to be. it is who he is. nearing three years in thedas had shifted his approach without wearing away too many of his edges. spun the looking glass, not reground it. ]
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I did, [ he readily agrees. ] You happened to be in the worst place at the worst time, when I had an already thinned temper. I am sorry.
[ which he's said before, but he'll say again, easily, and mean it. his wrath is a terrible thing, and worse for so rarely coming to the forefront. ]
As for lying, well. I told several that night [ and every night hence, it's kinda his thing. ] but I was attempting to juggle the lives of nearly threescore Rifters against the wrath of the Chantry and the Inquisition. I was near committing sedition, and considering treason, but neither of them proved necessary, so plots were smothered before they had much life to begin with. Which was, [ and he risks another brief bite here, ] very much for the best. Nothing was withheld from you because there was nothing to withhold, and tempers were managed, and you were at the negotiations when they came to pass.
no subject
He isn't lying about that now, ( aware that she lacks all in subtlety that thranduil has, and accordingly can be more easily read one way or the other; there's no hint of deceit about her, which means she isn't lying, whereas with thranduil it sometimes just means he's lying very well. ) I was annoyed with him at the time for not committing more sedition.
no subject
❰ except clearly that isn't the case, because adalia is still angry. just because his plans didn't end up needing to be enacted doesn't mean there weren't any. iorveth told her to go to thranduil, which he wouldn't have done if he hadn't thought there might be a reason to. there were plans, and she was shut out. it doesn't matter that nothing had come of them in the end. ❱
You want me to feel safe, you don't want me to feel lonely, but only so long as you get to continue to hold yourself apart and so superior, because you're a million and the rest of us might as well be five. All I ever wanted you to do was let me fit and I don't know why that's such a terrible thing to want!
❰ which is, maybe, something she should be saying to solas more than to thranduil, but it's not entirely unfair. thranduil has always been distant from her when she's wanted to be let in, to find the puzzle her weird little piece fits in, so eventually she stopped trying with him.
the angrier adalia gets, the more her anxiety rises. anger gets people hurt, anger doesn't help, but sometimes she can't help herself. adalia's grip on her chair is so tight her knuckles are beginning to bleed white, the tension just enough to keep her from shaking. ❱
no subject
gentler than she usually is: )
Adalia, you've never said that before.
( she thinks she might not know. that she might not know they didn't know; that she thought she was bleeding behind glass, and not brick walls. that everyone simply didn't look. )
It isn't a terrible thing to want, but you've never said it. The appallingly old get less intuitive, not more. If I can't see that that's what you're looking for, when I'm about five minutes— ( give or take five years ) —older than you are, someone who last tried to learn belonging from his elders before my culture was born doesn't have the perspective.
no subject
I cannot be both your teacher and your peer, Adalia. I would ask that you choose one.
[ and gwenaëlle's right. his perspective, honed as it is, allows him to miss things that others catch easily. but he cannot discard the wisdom or his time without ceasing to be. it is who he is. nearing three years in thedas had shifted his approach without wearing away too many of his edges. spun the looking glass, not reground it. ]