faderift | ( closed ) embrace like an avalanche

( Englishmen. To be remembered. If any Englishmen enter Kirkwall, she will watch them, learn them, and if she must? She will take steps to ensure they do not to do this place what they did to Rani's home. That they cannot make Rani suffer again.

The undying queen, she'd said. )

You cannot rest.

No. No, I cannot. The blackwater... isn't something I took up on a whim because eternal life particularly appealed to me. Strange as that is to say, I am happy with the thought of my own death when it finds me.

[ What a wretched being Corypheus must be. Something she did not understand, what it meant to rule, who could ever want to do such a thing for eternity? How foul must his soul be? If she did not have proof already in the suffering of those around, just to hear that would be enough. ]

I came to realise, in time, that what was happening was a symptom of a greater sickness. An empire that was so corrupted by itself, it no longer cared. I begged you see before I went to war, I begged and begged and begged for help. I didn't care for my throne. My people... The English said I was not fit to rule, and I went away peacefully. But then when my people were dying, they would not defend us though they said they were so much greater than we were. Our sufferings did not move them. They were just there to make themselves rich off our work. So the Half-Breeds could do as they will. I began to look outside of just my own lot. To the Kingdoms near me, then further afield, and I realised. Everywhere that they reached, the same was happening. In every land that they traded with, they infected. It was then... then that I met a man, he was old. Dreadfully old. I did not know it. If you think I keep secrets, he - [ Her hand lifts, flicking her fingers away, rolling her eyes. ] He... passed it to me, when they came to besiege me. He gave me such a choice.

... There were many battles. I was... betrayed, many times, and lost each time after. But... when the dust settled, and I stood on the last of them, bleeding to death, [ she reaches for Magni's hand, then, reaching it to bring it over a scar she no doubt had seen. Impossible to miss. Above that steady heartbeat, marred and twisted and proof of something wretched. ] I had to make a choice. Dying, then, would have been easy. I had lost everything, and I could not deny that I was weary. Weary of this life, and all it had done to me, taken from me.

[ But, here she is, after it all, still here. For all that good it was. ] I decided, it wasn't enough, anymore. Not even to win back my throne, to drive the beasts from just my land. I must drive them from every land. I must make sure that men who suppose themselves those kinds of masters did not just pay for what they had done, that they were thrown down from their power, that the very systems that had caused them to rise and allow such suffering, were burned, replaced, by the very people they had sort to oppress. That this old world, of Kings, Lords, Nobles, all of it, was destroyed.

( She's still kneeling before Rani, but she doesn't feel entirely present. Can't feel the solid bite of the stone floor inti her knees, or the warmth of Rani under her hands. She can't feel much at all, because it feels like some great wind has ripped her grip from the branches she tried to steady herself on, and now she is falling.

The way of the Englishmen sounds like the ways of many lowlander kings. The Avvar are not without their brutality, that she knows: raiding parties, forays into Fereldan lands, bloody battles and feuds. This level of corruption, though this cruelty, it sounds the stuff of Tevinter. Of the enslavers, of the worst parts of Orlais, of the battles and efforts to control and damn that seemed to be the very core of this war they're fighting.

Her breath is rough, and angry thrum in her veins, and Magni closes her eyes for a moment. This was far more than she had anticipated. It does not resolve all between them, it doesn't erase the hurts, but certain things make far more sense, now. Her Manu was more than a force to be reckoned with. She was a cleansing fire, sweeping through rot and dead things.

Hands gripping harder, she opens her eyes and seeks out Rani's gaze. )

All things are temporary. New growth doesn't come without the old dying back.

One day... one day that is my hope.

[ She grips back, hard, harder than she might on any other. That kept thing that holds just inside her mouth, just behind her teeth. That demands she bite as deeply as she is bitten. That she tears as she has been torn. Not to enact some half thought of justice, some petty revenge.

But to tear something back, like pulling a knife out of a wound to see what poured out of it. Find what was below all of this. Find some truth that demanded a light. ]

I see the same sufferings, but for different names, and I know. It will not be enough for me, and I cannot ignore it. Not just because when they are done with using those like me, they will place me in a tower for all they do not understand.

( Tension is rolling up Magni's back. )

No.

( The lowlanders do not respect those who could be shamans. They do not respect spirits, only fear them, and from there so many troubles infect and spread, like the cursed Blight. If they were not so preoccupied with fear and their claimed "god" that abandoned them, if they allowed their mages to be all they could be - wise, lorekeepers - and to learn from spirits rather than locking them away, perhaps the lowlands would be better for it.

She does not pretend the Avvar are perfect, but they are a damned sight better than these compassionless cowards.

It is more damning than she might normally be. There is much to appreciate in these places. Orlais is home to arts that are magnificent. The architecture and crafting she has seen in some of these cities are truly a sight to be beheld. They are a marvel in their permanence, and a tragedy in their ruination. Nothing is permanent, not even the dwarven thaigs. The Talonhold of today is not the same as the Talonhold of tomorrow. Memory and lore change in their transition from augur to augur, tradition evolves, and stone crumbles. Even spirits can be corrupted. )

You will go to no tower. If they try to shackle you, we'll use the chains to break their teeth and crush the air from their throats.

[ She lifts Magni's hand, from where it rests on her leg. Lifts it up to her lips, her head bowing with it.

Slowly, reverently. She kisses the back of her knuckles. One firm, warm kiss. Then lowers her head further, to press them against her brows. Something hurts, there, for the things she does not deserve. How good it feels to not...

... Not be alone, for once.

Which must be why she presses on, must, must, must. No more lies, no more half-truths. Things cut out of spun sugar to look like glass. Let it be truly what it is and let Magni make the choice, properly now. ]

Do not swear such things until you are sure, Ishq. That is what you must decide. I am not... someone you can build a life with. I am an old widow who cannot give you children, I am a wanted criminal, I am a queen without a kingdom. The things I have done... I have turned cities into battlefields. I have destroyed buildings the size of this keep. I have snuck into the houses of the rich and killed them in their sleep. I refuse to regret much of it. If the Queen of Orlais had a thought of what was in my heart, no doubt she would cut my head from my shoulders. There is no life, with me, the only future I can offer is one of battle, of misery. Of devotion to things that will place us, second. Then, you will grow old, time will touch you, but I will never outwardly change. Because of it, I cannot stay in one place long, here.

[ It's a miserable future, it is barely one. It was one without peace. This was not like the turn of the tide with the Half-Breed that had taken her forty years to do. She already was born to a world that no longer saw an inherent need of Kings and Nobles. Even in England, a place so wretched to her mind saw the evils of slavery for what they were.

Let alone, this. Her jaw set. ] Do not... answer it now. You must consider it, if you can forgive me, and then if this is the life you want. What you want with me.

( She—

doesn't freeze, exactly. Just stays on one knee, tension limiting the motion in her shoulders so she moves a little awkwardly as Rani draws her hand closer, kisses it, presses it to her brow. It is so reverent, so sacred feeling that she doesn't know how to respond. Never has anyone done something like that to her, and she looks nothing short of baffled.

Granted on Magni bafflement looks more like faint surprise, but even so.

It takes long moments for her to speak. Again, nothing new, but the tension in the pause is different. It feels like something in their dynamic has shifted, and she's not wholly certain how to process that, what to do with it. And yes, Rani lays much before her, truths that are— scary, and strange to think of. Truths that she does not know if she wishes to wrestle with. Defiance, disgust with the ways of Orlais, that she could manage. Change is the way of her people. But to be dying, while her love watched? Which of them would that be most terrifying for?

She chews the inside of her cheek, mouth catching in a frown. )

Do you—

( A pause, considering. )

Do you want me? Or do you wish me to say that I do not want you, and relieve you of that burden?

( The words are careful, as she brings the hand that Rani had kissed to gently cradle her lady's cheek. )

I will think on it. But it does not sound like I am what you wish for, when you speak so.

[ She lays her fingers over Magni's, turning into it. She can't help but... laugh, idly. Not cruel, but in a great gap of understanding about herself, the things she needs.

Burden, yes, perhaps, in the way living itself was a burden. A burden in the way keep these things was when time threatened to take so much. ]

I would never ask if I did not want, Magni. I say as I mean, and I do as I say. I make my choices and do not go back on them. That is not my way. It never has been. Even when they are foolish, I would rather accept, and do better.

[ Her head turns, briefly, to take a slow breath. Some understanding, that perhaps for a while, perhaps for a great long while, this may all she might have of her. Pressing her nose against her skin and breathing her in. That smell of metal, leather and skin. How Magni could be so coarse from her work, but there, just there, against her pulse, she was smooth, soft. ] But that is what I am, that is the life you will have with me. You asked me to respect what you wished instead of making the choice for you. You were right, I do respect you, and if I am going to begin to make amends then... this is what I was not telling you, or them, or anyone. This is what I am, and this is what I can offer you.

( Her expression is wry. I say as I mean, except in matters relating to their relationship, such as it was. I make my choices and do not go back on them, save for when she drew Magni close at Satinalia, and cast her aside in the next breath.

Though, when she takes a moment to reflect more on Rani's words, what she seems to mean is that she holds herself accountable for her decisions, does not shrug away the reality and repercussions of them, rather than trying to evade responsibility. That she cannot fault her for.

And though some great romantic part of her that, that part which might lurk in the heart of even the most practiced stoic if they were caught off guard, wishes to cast all these truths aside and say they don't matter! Love will prevail! the reality is that they do matter. They will have their consequences, they will wear on each of them as surely as water wears on stone. Her chest feels lighter than it did two hours ago, and far heavier in the same moment. Hope that was bound.

She exhales, and her shoulders sink, before her other hand comes up to cup the other side of Rani's face, and she gently draws her into a kiss, leaning up to meet it. Because she does not know, and she has no certainty, but if her decision must be no, then she wants at least to ensure that they have something affectionate they can remember that is not muddied by the harsher memories. )

[ She doesn't hesitate, leaning to kiss her back with an instinct that never falters. In turning up to Magni ( still almost as tall as she was, when she kneeling and Lakshmi was sitting and the thought if makes some breathless, younger part of Lakshmi smile ), and not stopping nor hesitating, nor pulling back.

Her hands lifting in return to brace against Magni's neck. She understands, or at least she thinks she does, what this means. Neither a denial nor an acceptance. Something better, something between. A for now. She takes it gladly. Glad especially that Magni bore no naivety over how serious this truly was.

When they break, she does not pull from her. Her head tilts, pressing their forehead together, turning, tracing the side of Magni's face with her nose in a brush of still too wanting affection for all she had pretended these past weeks to not want such things. She wants her, and that she hopes now at least, is plain.

Swallows, not exactly that her throat is dry, but that she hungers for something so dearly, so much, that she knows she must not touch. ]

Best we... do not talk much. Our... commanders are not best pleased with me, I recently... did something very foolish, and when I found that through so much means, I could not return home, I put it to them. About what I am, for them to decide my fate. They are still not letting me out of their sight because of it and... I do not wish their scrutiny to fall on you because of any attachments I have.

( Magni could almost laugh. This small moment, this reprieve where she can just for a few seconds hold onto her Manu and— and be in this space, and there is another warning. More caution, more calamities.

(Perhaps she should take it for a sign. Perhaps she should realise that she might be doomed when she doesn't count this against Rani more severely.)

A shake of her head. )

But I am so famed for talking.

( Dryly, even if the comment is somewhat obtuse. She grasps what Rani means. ) I don't fear scrutiny.

You say that but... I recently... attempted to leave Thedas. By... jumping through a rift into the fade. Unfortunately, too many people followed me. Including Marcoulf.

[ She coughs, uncomfortable. She had something terrible, worse than terrible because it was one thing when she risked herself mindlessly. Another, when she risked others. ]

( Marcoulf, who had made his disapproval of her entanglement with Lakshmi known even when she was just a queen, Marcoulf who had so many concerns and was one of her dearest and oldest friends. Marcoulf had followed her Manu into the Fade, and he did not think of that place as the Avvar do, but even she knows that to go into the Fade—

She inhales slowly, but with audible force. What impacts did such a thing have on Marcoulf?

There are many questions that she needs to organise her mind to process, to formulate, and she stands to give herself room to think, though her hand rests on Lakshmi's shoulder. She could barely even decipher what to call her. Majesty had been an affectionate teasing, and even Rani had some root in that, removed as it might be when compared to Manu. What chance, then, did she have against getting her head around that she had entered the Fade, the land of dreams and home to sacred spirits?

What did it all mean? The silence may have lasted minutes. She's not certain how long she stands without speaking, until— )

That is when you came to me.

[ The nod is slow, hard to admit the truth of those moments, they had felt a blur of misery and confusion. The grief like she had lost some part of herself she could not have fathomed, had not felt for years. Missing some part of who she was that was not what Coupe or Gwen had assumed. It had nothing to do with titles, with wanting unthinking respect or demanding position.

But there were people, people who she had sworn always to stand for, beside, be with, and yet she was here. ]

I... I was out of my mind. I had done something so foolish out of desperation. Wanted so much to go back to those I had sworn myself too. But I was still here. I did not... mean to lean on you in such a way.

[ No doubt, Magni remembers it clearer than she did. How she has shoved her way in. Looking for comfort the way she knew how to take it. Haphazardly remembered how Magni had gently stopped her, directed her to something more than that. Wrapped up and allowed to sleep like she could not have let herself do.

Doesn't particularly want to linger in it, either, but for the sake of making sure... ] They had ordered me to be bound to the Gallows for my actions, as you can imagine, our commanders do not trust me particularly after that. That and... [ Out with it, Lakshmi, and she chuckles briefly. ] I said I did not want to trust them but I found them a better option, as the nobles drunk lecherous boot licking whores and the chantry to be religious fanatics.

( She can't help it - she laughs. Lecherous bootlicking and religious fanatics are the best and most accurate things she's heard applied to the lowlands in a long time. It starts as a near silent thing that her shoulders, and then she has to look away because she's grinning and the laughter starts to become an audible thing. Husky, rough, much like the rest of her.

This is a poor reaction, probably, but she doesn't know what else to do. A glance back to Lakshmi, to her Rani, and the laughter is renewed. A bright spark.

It is so absurd, so ridiculous, and in the midst of such abject misery - her own of these past weeks, Rani's hurts, her despair and her desperation, and then she said that. )

[ I have never seen her laugh so much, she realises faintly. Fighting her own smile as she realises Magni is truly laughing. Pressing her lips together in such a decided way it was only kept from spreading by a execution of sheer will. ]

I am glad it amuses you, it certainly did not amuse them.

( Sorry, sorry. That just makes her laugh harder. She's literally taking a seat on the ground, one hand on her abdomen as she tries to rein in the laughter. )

How are you a diplomat?

[ She pushes at her shoulder as she falls - go on then, fall over, laughing at her. A little easiness as her shoulders fall back, her ankles crossing underneath the bed, and her hands rest either side of her.

For a moment, it isn't like everything else has happened. ]

Because I managed not to say it to anyone else's face for months, that's how.

Maybe I should be a diplomat.

( If those are the requirements. She's even better at keeping her mouth shut.

She has to prop herself up on one elbow, slouched on the floor as she looks up at Lakshmi. )

Congratulations on making it months before you called the Chantry self-righteous heretics.

( what an achievement, wow )

It was a struggle, almost daily.

[ It's hard, not to just sink down on top of her. Crawl to settle over her hips, straddle her firmly. So she can push her back and kiss her firmly for taking such enjoyment her present situation.

But her hands stay put, and her cants to one side. ]

I do believe in my work, as they have given it to me. It... affords an opportunity to help others in more ways than just beating my head against a wall. But I... lost my temper at Commander Coupe.

Try worshipping the gods that their Blessed Andraste cast aside for the "Maker."

( She doesn't make airquotes, no, but they're there. Audible airquotes. A quiet huff of disgust and amusement mixed together. Blessed Andraste.

Her eyebrows raise a little. The expression says, you? lose your temper? say it isn't so. )

[ And her expression back is I have no idea what you are talking about? I am a picture of temperance. ]

Ah, is that what the difference is? There was a man that... he spoke to me of the Avvar, I thought to ask you about it earlier.

[ But then you wrecked her so bad she couldn't speak r i p. ] Namely that ... I, like the Avvar, worship many Gods, of nature and of men.

She was not Avvar but... of one of the tribes that came before us.

( A loose shrug. She doesn't much care for the Chantry, and it's something she's made a point of not speaking about beyond the walls of the Hold. Not, mind you, that her not speaking about something was necessarily the point of struggle.

Mulling over Lakshmi's words, she nods a little, pensive. Doesn't reply immediately - which man and when was earlier and what exactly do you mean? because people can say all manner of things. Instead she watches, waiting for Lakshmi to go on. )

We were talking... of how there are varied faiths in my homeland. I ruled over many different groups. But I found it is to reconcile our differences because in my own teachings, we believe that all Gods are an expression of divinity to each individual group and as valid as each other. He mentioned the Avvar as one of the variances here, in these lands.

[ There is a pull. Expressing that opinion had not gone over well, not remotely well. ]

And to another, I said... that as long as there was a want to act in compassion, with love and concern to want to help others - what did the differences matter? He did not enjoy such words even mildly.

( Long moments of watching her Rani. As long as there was a want to act in compassion, with love. Was that what was at the core of her, under the sharpness and biting? What spurred her on when she hurt so desperately that she clung, and when she bared her claws? A queen who wished to act in harmony and unite her people, who saw those same people she adored be torn apart by monsters?

Is that who Lakshmi is? Is love what had turned her to lies and viciousness?

Magni realises she should reply. )

Because their Maker has abandoned them until they make everyone worship him.

( She shakes her head. )

The Maker sounds— ( A quiet sound of disgust. She can't quite settle on the word she wants. ) I feel Korth with me every day. I see the Sky Lady in the breeze and soaring birds. They don't demand I turn others to them.

Edited 2018-12-12 11:35 (UTC)

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pours one out for all my broken icons

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