"Well, if that's true then he's not mixing up sex with feelings, I guess."
That's something. Not much, but...well. Athessa isn't really the best person to be giving advice on feelings and keeping them separate from sex. After a moment's thought, she shrugs again.
"Guess you'll have to find out from Colin why he likes you so much."
A melancholy sigh, and Benedict's gaze shifts toward his homemade window screen. "Guess so."
He purses his lips, silent for a moment, collecting his thoughts. Then, "I think my n-- Micaela loved me. ...loves." He doesn't sound certain. "She raised me, and was always kind. But that week-- when all the ghosts were everywhere, showing people their pasts. I saw her then, with me. She was barely more than a child."
He tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, self-conscious. "And my mother struck her, and made her cry. I wonder how often that happened, and... I wonder if she'd have been there with me, at all, if she'd had the choice."
He doesn't look at Athessa, perhaps afraid of what he'll see if he does.
That week--had it been so brief? The dreams had felt so real, and like they spanned ages.
"Probably not. But I doubt she blamed you for her treatment," She looks away, not to spare herself the sight of Benedict, but because she realizes that in his position, he doesn't get a choice to be vulnerable. He just is. And in the same position, scrutiny would be the last thing Athessa would want.
So she mildly scans the hall outside his cell, not looking for anything but mostly not staring so intently that she might reflect the sun and melt the flesh from his bones.
"It takes love to care for a child, I think. Like to actually care for them, raise them. I can't see someone indifferent or hateful doing it without being obvious in some way. So maybe if she had the choice to leave, she would have, but maybe she'd have taken you with her, who knows.
"I'm pretty sure the point of those nightmares was to tell us not to get caught up in what if, even if who- or whatever had a really fucked up way to do it."
He seems to let her words settle on him for a time, thinking through them rather than responding right away, taking the moment seriously.
"...she was the reason I went to Tevinter with Kitty. I found out she'd been sold, and I wanted to..." He twists his mouth. "...to buy her back. Maybe let her decide how she wanted to spend the rest of her life. I don't know." Can he really say his intentions were that earnest, at the time? Perhaps not, but, again with the 'what if's.
"She's free now. Kitty got her out. I don't know where, but there's that." He shrugs one shoulder, but is unable to conceal how his expression has tightened with unexpected emotion. "I'll probably never see her again. But I love her, I think... I think the way you mean. It just. Feels sort of wrong to, because she couldn't choose."
This has never affected him so deeply before, but it's difficult not to think about it in the greater context of their discussion. He furtively wipes one of his eyes, angling his head away. "--I see her in Colin, a bit. Scared to be anything but a certain way, scared of what'll happen if he doesn't. I don't. ...I don't know how to deal with that."
It's complicated. Very complicated. But...Athessa doesn't think that she blames Benedict for his nanny's position. She may not have had a choice but neither did he. His mother was the one calling the shots, the awful one. And really, isn't the woman who raised him his real mother, regardless of who birthed him?
Athessa sighs and toes the ground. "I dunno either, but I think it's good that you're thinking about it. And for what it's worth, I don't think anyone really has a choice when it comes to loving someone. Especially family. And it hurts to think you might not ever see someone you love again."
Benedict nods silently. He hadn't expected the conversation to take this turn, but here it is, and here he is feeling more than a little thrown off by it. "Well," he murmurs after a time, "if you see him, just. Tell him I'm sorry." It's not like he can go chasing after anyone. "..please."
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"No, you fuck-ass," there's only so long she can go without insulting him. "Did you know he had feelings for you."
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"..no," he admits, "I suppose he was... there was something going on with him, but I really don't think it was that."
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That's something. Not much, but...well. Athessa isn't really the best person to be giving advice on feelings and keeping them separate from sex. After a moment's thought, she shrugs again.
"Guess you'll have to find out from Colin why he likes you so much."
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He purses his lips, silent for a moment, collecting his thoughts. Then, "I think my n-- Micaela loved me. ...loves." He doesn't sound certain.
"She raised me, and was always kind. But that week-- when all the ghosts were everywhere, showing people their pasts. I saw her then, with me. She was barely more than a child."
He tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, self-conscious. "And my mother struck her, and made her cry. I wonder how often that happened, and... I wonder if she'd have been there with me, at all, if she'd had the choice."
He doesn't look at Athessa, perhaps afraid of what he'll see if he does.
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"Probably not. But I doubt she blamed you for her treatment," She looks away, not to spare herself the sight of Benedict, but because she realizes that in his position, he doesn't get a choice to be vulnerable. He just is. And in the same position, scrutiny would be the last thing Athessa would want.
So she mildly scans the hall outside his cell, not looking for anything but mostly not staring so intently that she might reflect the sun and melt the flesh from his bones.
"It takes love to care for a child, I think. Like to actually care for them, raise them. I can't see someone indifferent or hateful doing it without being obvious in some way. So maybe if she had the choice to leave, she would have, but maybe she'd have taken you with her, who knows.
"I'm pretty sure the point of those nightmares was to tell us not to get caught up in what if, even if who- or whatever had a really fucked up way to do it."
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He seems to let her words settle on him for a time, thinking through them rather than responding right away, taking the moment seriously.
"...she was the reason I went to Tevinter with Kitty. I found out she'd been sold, and I wanted to..." He twists his mouth. "...to buy her back. Maybe let her decide how she wanted to spend the rest of her life. I don't know." Can he really say his intentions were that earnest, at the time? Perhaps not, but, again with the 'what if's.
"She's free now. Kitty got her out. I don't know where, but there's that." He shrugs one shoulder, but is unable to conceal how his expression has tightened with unexpected emotion.
"I'll probably never see her again. But I love her, I think... I think the way you mean. It just. Feels sort of wrong to, because she couldn't choose."
This has never affected him so deeply before, but it's difficult not to think about it in the greater context of their discussion. He furtively wipes one of his eyes, angling his head away.
"--I see her in Colin, a bit. Scared to be anything but a certain way, scared of what'll happen if he doesn't. I don't. ...I don't know how to deal with that."
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Athessa sighs and toes the ground. "I dunno either, but I think it's good that you're thinking about it. And for what it's worth, I don't think anyone really has a choice when it comes to loving someone. Especially family. And it hurts to think you might not ever see someone you love again."
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"Well," he murmurs after a time, "if you see him, just. Tell him I'm sorry." It's not like he can go chasing after anyone. "..please."
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