When she was just a girl, she expected the world

[notathreat]

WHO: Abby, Ellie
WHAT: The conclusion of Cuntgate
WHEN: End of Bloomingtide
WHERE: The Gallows
NOTES: They haven't spoken since, y'know, this

Ellie's back from a mission. Sweaty. Tired. It's late, and all she really wants is to soak her feet. She's still too keyed up to properly go to bed.

Once the kettle's warm enough to take off the brazier, she pours the steamy water into a basin next to her bed. Pulls her boots off one by one. Eases her feet into the water and lays back on the sheets with a low groan.

"Fuck," she mutters under her breath. Deep breath in, let it all out.

A snuffly-nosed overgrown puppy lets himself in. Noses around her fingers until she moves her hand to scratch him behind the ears.

"Hey, buddy," she mutters, but doesn't get up to play or properly pet him. He licks at her fingers, whines softly, then fucks off for something much more interesting -- one of her boots.

"No, don't-" Ellie mutters as Wags scoops up one of her boots in his mouth, then takes off excitedly running down the hallway. Ellie stares after him, considering, then lets out a deep sigh and lets it go.

She's due for new boots soon, anyway.

Comments

[notathreat]

Ellie makes a coughing noise in the back of her throat, something like a laugh, and reaches up to rub her ear. She can just guess how many came to Abby, wanting to know if she was all right, and also what the fuck.

"Three."

She bounces her foot, thoughtful, and looks up at Abby. It's easier than she thought, now that she's agreed start trying to unwind herself from this noose. She's still bound to get tangled up, but for now it's easier to breathe.

Kind of blows her mind. But she doesn't dislike it, this silence punctuated by thoughts and the rub of Abby's hand across a Mabari puppy's belly.

"How about you?"

[armd]

Mobius, River, Loki... Abby's nose scrunches in memory. Derrica. "Four."

And she didn't even get the worst word in. What gives, right. Her mouth hikes up at one corner ruefully, eyes on her pup. She's found the spot he likes scratched most and one of his legs is churning madly in midair, occasionally catching her in the arm. She doesn't mind.

"Couple of them thought we might attack each other, or something."

Even though she'd already told them about the truce. That's what she doesn't understand. Nobody will take her goddamn word for it, and she can't tell which of them can't be trusted. Her, or Ellie.

[notathreat]

"It's not a competition," Ellie mutters under her breath, her attention drawn to the way Wags is wriggling in ecstasy over there. Tension effectively broken. He's a good little guy.

"I don't think any of mine thought we were gonna attack each other, but."

She pauses on that, purses her lips together, forces the air slowly out of her lungs.

"You make good friends."

It's soft, a little awkward. Heartfelt. River is a keeper. More than she knows, or probably believes. She reaches up, rubs the side of her nose.

"River wanted to know why you were a... you know. Wouldn't really take no for an answer."

She can't say it without fighting a smile.

"And Mobius was... he was good."

There aren't any words to describe how much she'd needed that talk. Both of them.

[armd]

Abby stifles a laugh against the back of her hand, clearing her throat, and glances up just in time to catch a look on Ellie's face that's a little softer than what's usually there. It gives her a weird feeling, not necessarily unpleasant. Just weird. It will take a while for them to navigate this without some feeling of strangeness. Or maybe they won't ever learn; the thought doesn't bother her.

"Thanks?" Is that something you say thanks to? "She's- something else, huh. She came to talk to me after she spoke to you, she said-" She forgot she was supposed to hate you. Abby stops stretching her legs out. She draws them back in close, and doesn't finish her sentence, shrugging it off.

Doesn't matter.

"... I actually ended up talking to Loki about what happened." Now it's her turn to sound awkward. Her voice drops, soft. "S'kinda the first time I've said anything about it since I got here." And that felt good, even though it was hard.

[notathreat]

She said-?

Ellie frowns at her thoughtfully, seeing if she'll go on. She's disappointed when she doesn't. Wonders what River said about her, or if it was more about Abby. Nothing about Ellie's shit is a secret, though. Ellie's not built for hiding her feelings.

What Abby does say is a rush of mixed feelings. A year ago she'd have been horribly fucked up over the thought of anybody comforting Abby over it, considering what she did. Now-

Well. Ellie's not much better, is she? And they both have to live with it. Maybe this is part of figuring out how.

"Really? The first?"

[armd]

This is profoundly strange. She kind of can't believe she just said that, to Ellie. Of all people.

Abby goes, "Mmhmm," and shrugs a shoulder. She's loosened her grip tentatively on Wags' collar at long last and he's remaining idly at her side, being good. For once. She rumples his ears up in gratitude, and he huffs, his tail thumping against her thigh.

She doesn't like talking about it, and doubts Ellie is any different, so she veers off the subject, taking refuge in something less painful instead. "Been having to explain the infected a lot, too. There's no..." What's the word, "Normal way to say it. Y'know?"

[notathreat]

Ellie snorts aloud, like she's trying to swallow a laugh, ducking her head and lifting her shoulders. God, there really is no normal way to tell people about their world, about the infected.

"Do they give you that look? Like the 'oh-shit-I-didn't-think-it-was-THAT-bad-but-that-explains-so-much-about-you' look?"

There really is no normal way to react, either, but that's the one she always gets.

[armd]

"Literally every single time," she deadpans, thinking immediately of Benedict, "It's so weird. Not used to people acting like that about it."

It makes sense, but. At the same time, it just doesn't?? And what's the point in getting scared or concerned about it when the threat didn't follow her and Ellie here, anyway. Speaking of, she jokes, "I've almost stopped freaking out when I accidentally drop something on the ground in the middle of the night."

Sudden loud sounds, man...

[notathreat]

Ellie snorts aloud, this time not bothering to hold back the laugh.

"I dropped a soap caddy in the baths. My hand was on my knife so fucking fast."

It's nice to be able to laugh about this, instead of getting concerned looks.

"Do basements still freak you the hell out?"

[armd]

"Yeah," Abby says fervently, Wags perking up a little at all the excitement. "They're the fucking worst, they make my palms all sweaty." It's awful actually, she remembers having to grip her gun so fucking tight sometimes, just to keep from dropping it.

"Don't get me started on the spiral staircases." Sometimes they're just... you don't know what's lurking around the corner, you know?? And also the whole fucking thing is a corner

[notathreat]

"Right. Going up a spiral staircase isn't so bad, it's going down that fucks with me," Ellie admits. The fresh air helps, and the way the stone gives back the sound.

"There's some places in Kirkwall that get me, too. Darktown?"

[armd]

"Hate it. Hate going there." This is fun, "The mess hall at night sucks too, it's too big."

[notathreat]

"The practice yard."

This is so fun, just throwing these out. Getting to hate on perfectly normal things and have someone instinctively understand why.

"Too open, with too many places to hide all around it."

[armd]

"Lowtown after dark?" She grins. "Though I guess once the sun goes down the danger is more from the people who already live there, huh." All the scoundrels, and such.

Wags gets to his feet, but he goes to Ellie this time. He drops his chin on her knee. Abby watches him, and rolls her eyes. "He really likes you."

What bad taste. Kidding, kidding...

[notathreat]

"Yup."

Ellie huffs under her breath, almost a laugh, and holds out her hand in welcome even before Wags anoints her knee with his puppy slobber. Good boy. Best boy.

She fondles his ears, giving him a really good scratch in the places under his collar where he can't reach.

"Yeah, well..." she trails off, her stomach churning. Remembering. But she's in too deep. They can't dance around everything forever.

"I usually get along well with animals."

They both remember the exception.

[armd]

"Yeah, when they aren't coming at you."

It's a dark thing to say and the skinniest of olive branches, because Abby gets it, really, if she pushes past the hurt and indignation. Alice came at Ellie in defense, and she reacted. You can't have a level conversation with a dog.

She watches Wags rub his face happily all over Ellie's knee. Thinks about Lev and Yara, and their fear of Alice, and how many times she had to reassure them both that she wouldn't attack them.

"... She wasn't my dog," she says, numbly. It's not to reassure Ellie or absolve her in any way, it just spills out. "She was the WLF's. They all were, we didn't own them." And Alice was always the less egregious of what Ellie did to her, anyway. "We used them against the Scars. Seraphites."

[notathreat]

It feels more like a twist of a knife than an olive branch, but maybe acknowledging what happened directly is one of the first steps to... not forgiveness, exactly. But not fanning the embers of the fire that burned between them.

Ellie absorbs the information quietly. She doesn't know how to speak on it. She knows that if this were just someone from her world, she wouldn't push, wouldn't press, wouldn't be demanding answers.

... but this is Abby. And there's an awful intimacy that comes in being each others' worst source of pain.

"Why did you join them?" she asks. "The WLF? Everything I found out about them just made them seem like FEDRA, but without as many rules."

[armd]

Abby smiles, but it isn't a nice smile, closer to a baring of teeth. She isn't angry with the question, just remembering. The Fireflies fled Utah in tatters.

Her voice is blunt when she explains, "There weren't many of us left. They offered to take us in if we'd fight for them. We said yes." The WLF had a lot of reach back then, but Abby doesn't expound. She won't tell Ellie that she put her head down and did the work, climbing ranks and using them as leverage to start asking around. Casually at first; know anybody named Joel Miller?

"They had a lot of land. They had a lot of food. You didn't ever see inside the old stadium, did you. Couple thousand of us were living there."

[notathreat]

It's horribly practical, but it's in a way that Ellie understands. They had food. Ellie was privileged compared to some of the kids she knew, but she still understands what it is to have her body starving to death under her, even as she demands more of it.

It was more than survival for Abby, clearly. It was information, weapons, supplies.

She remembers Seattle.

"Never had to. Must've deployed a few hundred just looking for us," Ellie says, without looking away from Abby's face. "And the Scars wiped out the rest. We heard it, on the radios."

Abby knows where. But then, Ellie remembers:

"I never went to the island, but I saw it burning."

[armd]

"Yep."

Maybe her tone indicates exactly what she thinks of that particular decision, but-

There's no point commenting on it, not really. Isaac did what he did. Most of the WLF paid the price. Abby's expression changes then, her gaze storming over and she looks haunted, remembering. "I was there. Lev– he tried to go back, we had to go get him. It was terrible."

[notathreat]

The change that comes over Abby then has her looking a lot more like the woman Ellie remembers. Angry, hurting, haunted. Hollowed out by her own rage and helplessness.

It hurts to realize that Ellie can look at her face now and read all of it, when she couldn't before. They both lived it.

"We?"

She keeps it to that one syllable. It's a big ask, she knows- but she still doesn't know who bled all over that table. The reason Abby was sighted at the hospital. It wasn't the kid- Ellie saw him, and he wasn't injured nearly enough for that blood to be his.

[armd]

Oh, shit. Well.

Abby looks at her while she runs her tongue over her teeth, and then she says, "Yeah. Lev's sister couldn't stop him from leaving, so I said I'd go with her to find him. He tried to go back for their mom."

She looks a little surprised for having said anything at all, especially to Ellie, but it's... a weird relief to say it out loud, actually. Nobody else was on that island but the three of them and when she got back from it, Mel and Owen were...

No.

Can't go down that path. Abby drags herself numbly off of it. "... Lev and I barely got off the island before the whole thing went up in flames."

[notathreat]

What Abby doesn't say is as poignant as what she does. Lev's sister had gone with Abby to the island. For their mom.

Only Abby and Lev had come back.

Worse, Ellie knew exactly what Abby had come back to.

She doesn't wonder now, why Lev followed Abby to the theater to hunt them down. The two of them had both lost absolutely everything in the span of a day. And he'd still been the one to call Abby's name, when she had Dina's throat under her knife.

Ellie feels somewhat ill, thinking of what came after. All that came after.

"Why were the Seraphites and the WLF at war?"

[armd]

She doesn't look up while Ellie absorbs all of this, processing what hasn't been said outright. Abby doesn't want to see her reaction. Getting empathy from her for losing somebody feels... what's the term? Like dramatic irony.

"Why is anybody at war."

Abby's grateful for the question. Getting too close to what happened in that theater feels like teetering on the edge of a fucking cliff face, but she can be flippant about this. "Land. Resources. To prove that we're better than them 'cuz we weren't part of some fucked up death cult."

Casually, "Jackson didn't have any enemies?"

She has always fucking wondered about this. Surely. Surely she wasn't the only person out there, gunning for Joel.

[notathreat]

There's a bad taste in Ellie's mouth; she'd witnessed what the Scars did to the people they captured, what they'd do to them while they were still alive. The Seraphites always mistook her for a Wolf, and when the WLF saw her arrows, they mistook her for a Scar.

It never mattered to any of them what she actually was. She was other.

"No," Ellie answers, a little dully. Jackson was a wonderful place, and she loved it in her own way. But it had no chance of being home again. Not after Joel's death.

"There were bandits, hunters. They used to hit the dam on the regular, try to steal supplies and kill anyone they caught. But Jackson would take in refugees. Anyone willing to work and contribute and live by the rules. Eventually, Jackson was too big to fuck with, and Maria handled them. After that it was too big and too isolated for most people to bother with, and too useful to trade with if you were passing through. And 'cause it'd take in strangers, anybody who wanted a piece could just come in and be accepted."

Ellie rubs her thumb over her forefinger, keeping herself from picking at the skin.

"Some of the people who built Jackson were former Fireflies. Reformed hunters. People who were alive on Outbreak Day. We got people who fled the QZ's as they were falling."

Ellie knows what Abby's asking, and after another few breaths, she makes her way around to it.

"They weren't all good people. But they knew how to build something good."