I thought that I've been hurt before.

[quietblade]

WHO: Taas + Open
WHAT: Catch-all for February
WHEN: After his return from the Crow event and the rest of the month.
WHERE: Mostly Skyhold, Herald's Rest
NOTES: CR for new and old characters alike!

Tavern

It was usually early in the evening when Taashath lumbered towards the tavern. He usually had an ale or two, maybe something to eat and chatting with friends and newcomers alike. After the rescue of Zevran in Antiva, however, he was drinking more, eating less and rarely talking to people.

He had lost control, forgotten his name, tried to kill a member of the Inquisition, no matter how loaded the issue of a Ben-Hassrath was. He wasn't safe when his rage took over like that... and the possibility of hurting someone he cared about was eating him up inside.

Was he squandering everything Yshae taught him by trying to be a hero?

It was easier to just drink and forget.

Courtyard

Taas was a common sight in the courtyard, talking with people, maintaining his weapons somewhere in the rare sunlight or even chopping a training dummy to pieces now and then. He had stopped offering to spar with people, however, just smiling and shaking his head each time someone asked for a hand or when he saw someone struggling with their guard.

Instead he spent a lot of time going over breathing techniques and different means of relaxing, loosening himself from all the madness etched into his bones. He was Taashath.

It became like a mantra to him. He could push through this.

Wildcard

Hit me!

Comments

[qunari]

Bull snorts, nostrils flaring. "It always is."

He knows. Like a flicker in the back of the mind, the corner of the eye, the threat of losing control is always there, flirting around the edges. When they lose themselves to that madness, there's little that can pull them back.

It almost always ends in blood. That animal rage is part of them, inherent. It's why they need the Qun to hold them in check...though it sounds as though it hadn't done him much good even when he was a part of it, if his Sten was encouraging it.

Bull studies him for a moment, silent. Then, without much inflection in his voice...

"Seheron."

[equanimiti]

Alayre nearly choked on his ale when Taashath blurts out that last bit. "You think I need what?!" He exclaims with an incredulous look upon his face. "That's quite a bold assessment but I doubt that's what I need--" He's burning red with embarrassment now and the ale isn't helping matters. Alayre rubs his hand over his face and sighs deeply. He certainly hopes no one else is listening to this mess.

"Is there no deterring you from this subject?" He asks as he peeks at Taashath from in between his fingers. "A spar would be welcomed but my heart isn't up for it tonight." Alayre admits somewhat sadly. Still trying his best to conceal his face, Alayre finally answers those scandalous questions.

"Both." He says quietly. "Men seem to be more my leaning." That he barely whispers but he knows that Taashath can read his lips easily.

[quietblade]

He cannot hear the change in voice, only read the words. Seheron.

"Four years," Taas replies with old ghosts briefly haunting his features. Nobody got off that island the same person they were before... if they ever got off at all. "Shithole."

Taas isn't sure if Seheron changed him or he had always been angry like this. He remembers being a child that wanted to protect everyone. Was he angry even back then?

"I'm aware that I'm a loose cannon... but I'm not leaving."

[foxsays]

"Please do not hesitate to tell me if I speak too fast, it's a bad habit." The worst incidents are when she’s angry or excited, but compared to some here she always sounds as if she’s rushing even when she’s not, the Orlesians in particular being much more measured in their speech.

"No one where I come from has such weapons. Bigger swords but still on one hip, a shield that fits on one arm." Being light is crucial but they’ve got firearms too however that one...that one can wait, once bitten twice shy isn't something she thought would apply to her but now it does and she just has to live with it for a while. "How young is 'a boy', I know how much that varies from place to place."

[qunari]

"Even if the next time, it's not me?"

He gets that there's no love lost there, that the Vashoth here view him with distrust at a bare minimum. But this isn't personal. He could live with whatever personal issues might exist between them.

This is a security risk. That he can't let lie.

"Maybe it's your mage friend. Maybe it's Beleth. You willing to take that chance?"

[quietblade]

"I get it, I really do. I'm dangerous, I'm a risk. I'm the deaf berserker without control. I don't want anything to happen to anyone." Taas says, a little more heated than before. "Fuck, I didn't even want to fight you, even if learning what you are pissed me off enough to go choke a bear." No, really. He did.

"I should leave, go back to what I used to do. I know. Part of me wants to, because then I couldn't end up hurting someone." The warrior sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. "...but I made friends here, who do not understand this shit. The rage. We just got Zevran back. Everyone rallied off to save him. Do you think even for a moment that the people I've gotten to know here will let me leave after this?"

[qunari]

"Yeah. I'm sure they're going to hang off your arms and legs and stop you from leaving, if you got it in your head to."

Bull's arms drop. Taas might not be able to tell tone of voice, but the look Bull levies at him says everything it needs to. He's not here to argue with him. But he's also not planning on ignoring the problem and hoping it doesn't bite them in the ass, later.

"You don't want to leave. I get it. You want to live outside the Qun, make your own choices? Own it. Don't put this on them."

[quietblade]

He gets that. He also knows he's probably trying to find excuses to stay, to do something worthwhile with his life - even if he's 100% certain Korrin would drag him back by a horn if she heard he left because of his fear to lose control.

"I don't want to hurt anyone. That outweighs the fact that I don't really want to leave," Taas mutters. "...but yeah, this place felt like a new start, where I could fight for a cause again. Be who I used to be. Bred to be. Not some addled veteran who would never hold a weapon again."

He cracks slightly, a bit of stressed laughter escaping. "Fuck, I was such a dumb kid. Should have listened to the tamassrans and not touch a sword again."

Taas puts his axe down, slowly. "I'll go."

[hlif]

A long friendship with Korrin and living through Kirkwall has taught Asher never to assume he knows what someone bigger than him with horns is going to answer to.

"I'll feel older than my dad if that happens." One day life is going to catch up to Asher Hardie and it will not be a pretty day, though his funeral plans are already noted for such an instance. It's a good thing only he can hear the way his shoulder pops when he tries to stretch his left arm above his head.

"You're telling me I lived all that time in Kirkwall and missed seeing stretch-it-out Saturdays?" If he missed the Arishok flexing he will be legitimately upset.

[qunari]

"That what you think I'm here for? Chasing you off?"

Bull's mouth thins, but he doesn't advance. It sounds like Taas already understands the risks plenty, enough to know that leaving isn't the worst idea he could have. Funny thing is, he's got no intention of driving him off.

In fact, a Tal-Vashoth with that sort of rage out on their own, without banner or allies, is probably a good deal more dangerous.

[quietblade]

"You're... not?" Didn't he just fucking say that? Or did... no, he never did say that, he made Taas say it himself. Fucking Ben-Hassrath.

"What do you want from me?" The warrior is confused, now, uncertain what this was even about if Bull hadn't come here to tell him to fuck off. That, at least, he could understand - he could deal with it and move on even if it would hurt to leave everyone a second time.

In truth, Bull was quite right about him being dangerous on his own, too. Even if he had been good the last years, now his control had broken and it could break again. With nobody to stop him.

Courtyard

[sunshinethroughgrey]

Taas wasn't the only one maintaining his weapons -- Bethany was in the courtyard as well. Yet instead of maintaining her staff, she was maintaining her focus. She moved her hands as if through a delicate dance, practicing spell forms and stances.

She breathed in, bringing in calm and centered mana, then exhaled, sweeping her arms wide then bringing them close to her chest again. Her feet swept in long motions through the dirt, then lifted up as she moved forward, twisting her wrists outward as if she was throwing a ball.

Focus. Calm. Nothing but moving the mana through her body without casting a single spell.

[quietblade]

"Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed about. It's normal," Taas says, holding his hands out in a disarming way. "Besides, if you like both, there's much more to choose from. I'm sure there are a lot of people who would want a roll in the sack with a handsome Knight-Commander."

The warrior chuckles a little, but it's a hearty, friendly laugh rather than mocking. "...but it's for you to decide. A bit of drink and good conversation might loosen you up as well. Maybe I can make you sing that song you did last time."

That had been special, but he's not complaining.

[qunari]

"I want to know what you plan on doing about this mess."

He's careful to enunciate, every word clear on his lips. This is, in the end, Taas's problem to fix. He's not here as an enforcer for the Qunari, but he's not going to just ignore this and hope it goes away. It's clear he hasn't got a lid on it on his own.

"Because the people you work with can't afford to put their trust on someone that could turn on them when his blood gets too hot."

[quietblade]

He can see it in front of him. Them, fighting together, and then him, turning on her. Him, having to be watched over like the tamassrans would have if he had stayed under the Qun.

"Korrin... I appreciate it, but I can't have that strain put on you to look after me all the time. I don't know how much this affected me, if I'd do it again." It would kill him, to end up hurting someone here. Especially a friend. Who knows who he could have turned on if the Ben-Hassrath hadn't been there?

[quietblade]

He doesn't know what to do. That's the issue, here. Yshae had taught him how to control himself, how to focus inwards when he was angry, but now he had failed and he's not sure how much that would help.

"I had planned to not go on any more missions." He managed the Nevarran one fine because there was no giant flesh beasts. "Now I don't know. I don't want to risk the Inquisition for something like this."

Or the other qunari. This shit looked bad on them, too.

[quietblade]

"It's been fine, so far. You enunciate well." Better than many Fereldans, who tended to drawl heavily if they were from the lower classes. Speed could be a problem, but he got the gist of most things.

"Really? I'm surprised, it's a good weapon. Takes down a horse if you wield it good enough." Then again, most people preferred the sword and shield combo, and he understood that. Attack and defense. "...and I was twelve. It's about the time my people under the Qun learn their place in society. I was a soldier, so they gave me a sword. Then I got really big for my age and they got me an axe instead."

[equanimiti]

Alayre gives Taashath an exasperated glance as he takes another sip of his ale. Like most Templars, he's a tad repressed when it comes down to this topic. "Handsome? Ah, you do me a great justice to say that." He chuckles quietly.

"What song--Oh that!" The Templar can't help but chuckle a bit. "You will need copious amounts of ale to achieve that feat again. You best get started." Alayre laughs happily before drowning his mug. Little does anyone know that the Templar can sing. A tad off key but he can sing fairly well.

[quietblade]

Age would catch up with them sooner or later. Taas back hurt sometimes, and he was only in his early thirties.

At the mention of Kirkwall and the kataraam that had been stationed there, he snorts, baring his teeth in an amused grin. "You know it. Every Saturday, mid-day. Stretching and vitaar touchups." He's full of shit - but here, he's not the Arishok but he'll flex for you, Asher. Pecs and biceps.

[qunari]

For whatever it was worth, he believed him. There was real regret there, even if he'd only struck out against Bull. There might come a day when it would be someone else, someone he cared about. The kid didn't want that on his conscience.

Bull grunts once, quietly, to himself. "How bad you want this fixed?"

[quietblade]

Glancing over at the mage, Taas noticed that she was doing pretty much the same thing he did. Breathing. Focusing. It makes him a bit curious, so he keeps his eyes on her for a moment.

Was she dealing with rage issues, too? It was probably a lot worse for mages, he supposed. Giving into that would mean rage demons.

The qunari doesn't quite notice that he's starting to copy her until he finds himself throwing the imaginary ball.

[quietblade]

"Badly" Taas growls, low and determined. "...but I don't know anything other than fighting." Without it, he'd feel like a Viddath-Bas. Broken, soulless. Maybe even worse, because he would have no purpose whatsoever.

[quietblade]

"Hey, it's true," Taas promises with another one of those grins. He... might have a head start on that beer. Enough to smile again, even if it was just for a while here with Alayre.

"I'll open up a tab if it means I can hear that one again. It was a good one." He hadn't exactly expected Alayre to be such a funny drunk, but now he milked that for all it was worth. It was a nice way to end an evening, after all.

Laughing.

[gatheringstorm]

Korrin just shakes her head, unfazed. "It doesn't mean I'm going to give up on you, though, and you shouldn't give up on yourself. Keep trying. Believe it or not, you've come far. I've met -and grew up among- Tal-Vashoth who were never able to pull themselves together in the way you have, no offense to them. They must have endured a lot, and so have you...but I think you can overcome this. Call it a gut-feeling.

If it'd help, I can ask my company. Plenty of them have had similar issues, and the ones who've stayed are now the most stable folks I know. They must have found a way. Whether or not it'll be yours is another matter, but we can still find out."

[qunari]

"Bad enough to take instruction from a Ben-Hassrath?"

Because he doesn't plan on pushing his help, but of all the people here in Skyhold? He is without a doubt the best equipped to deal with this bullshit. He knows what that madness is, what it feeds on, and more than one trick for keeping it at bay.

He also knows what it feels like to have that tether slip free. A feeling he hopes to never endure again.