[open] now my head's splitting at the seams

[onlyhymns]

WHO: Cade the Disgraced and you!
WHAT: Cade is free (to a point) and around and about Skyhold again. He always has a buddy with him, whether it's Nerva, a Tranquil, or a scout who's been saddled with babysitting duty.
WHEN: Drakonis
WHERE: Skyhold
NOTES: Warning for probable violence and possible other dark shit, depending on how things go.

Cade is miserable, but at least he is not in a cell. Most of the time he is at the whims of whomever is in charge of supervising him, which means a lot of labor, assisting Nerva or Tranquil or scouts, and generally being little more than a manservant or a leashed dog.

He keeps his head low and his tongue still for the most part, but anyone is still free to approach and engage him.

Comments

[onlyhymns]

The silence felt like an eternity. Cade could see the door to his chamber past Nerva, and it seemed miles away for all he had access to it. He hadn't left the floor yet; he wasn't sure he'd be able to stand anyway, with his knees shaking as they were.

Nerva's command caught him by surprise. "What??" he breathed, and he hugged the folded clothes in his arms a little closer to himself. "Now?"

[keeperofmagi]

"Just the wounds, Cade." She said, realising that maybe he assumed she meant a demonstration, which she really, really didn't.

"There must be scars. Show me."

[onlyhymns]

Heaving a small sigh of relief, Cade wasn't much comforted by the actual command, but at least she didn't mean a demonstration. He slowly rose to his feet, and glanced behind her at the door again; it was ajar, and that bothered him, but he reasoned it would be even worse if it were closed.
He had the look about him of a slinking dog as he set down his extra clothes and began to undo his doublet, his hands beginning to shake with increased anxiety the farther he got. He glanced at Nerva periodically, perhaps just to make sure she was still in the same place, not getting any closer, not making any move to touch him. Still, when he began on the lacing of his shirt, he couldn't stop himself from backing up a little.
There was shyness, and there was near-paralysis brought on by the notion of undressing in front of someone. His hands jerked oddly, and he had to stop and take a deep, shaking breath every couple of seconds before he finally turned his back to Nerva and pulled his shirt up over his head and shoulders, keeping it bunched around his arms and ready to put back on the instant he was directed.

His back wasn't a pretty sight. There were obviously no new marks, but a wide variety of twisting, snarling scars, some cut-like and some clearly impact wounds. They were mostly over his upper back, and tapered off not far below his scapulae.
Cade shook like a leaf all the while, staring fixedly out his small window, trying to keep himself grounded despite how vulnerable he had just allowed himself to become.

[keeperofmagi]

She didn't move. She may as well have been a stone statue as he undressed, her arms crossed, flog gripped tight. She didn't say anything as he seemed to slink away from her. If he was shamed, it was not her fault. She needed to see it.

She let out a hard breath when she saw the scars themselves.

"... You may replace your clothing." She told him, once she had assessed them.

[onlyhymns]

That was all he needed to hear. He tugged his shirt back on without hesitation, then hurriedly reached for his doublet to start lacing it together again. It was difficult to do it well, with how badly his hands shook, but he didn't pause again until everything was at least mostly back where it had been.
Then he stared at the floor, squinting unhappily, awaiting further instruction. He wanted to vomit.

[keeperofmagi]

Once he was fully dressed, she stepped closer, just far enough to be able to hold the flog out at full arm's length.

"You'll report any incidents," She murmured quietly. "And you will report any injury you cause yourself. Do you understand?"

[onlyhymns]

Surprised, Cade carefully took it from her, darting his eyes at her face long enough to see that she wasn't... at least overtly angry. "...incidents?" he asked uncertainly, looking down at the flogger. If she meant reasons he'd normally use it, the last week had been one big incident.

[keeperofmagi]

"Any time you feel the need to use it. You will come to me, first."

If she could talk him down from it, it would be worth it. And if she couldn't, then at least she would know when to keep an eye on him.

[onlyhymns]

That struck him oddly, but not in a bad way. Cade was a private person, and what he had done to himself in secret for so long had never felt like anyone's business but his and the Maker's. Still, the whole purpose of it was accountability. About not feeling lost and left to his own devices, even in the absence of attention from superior officers. That Nerva asked this of him, without expressly forbidding it, conveyed that she was taking it seriously. Taking him seriously. That was unusual.

He watched her for several moments out of the corner of his eye, thinking, steeling himself, and hesitantly allowing the smallest tendril of trust to extend itself toward Nerva.
"...I have felt the need since that day in the Emprise," he told her, in nearly a whisper. He had spent the better part of a week longing to beat himself bloody, to feel the release of pain in reminder of the suffering and inconvenience he had caused.

[keeperofmagi]

She let out a breath. That was one she couldn't really argue.

"You are already serving penance," She reminded him, in a stern, but quiet voice. "But I will grant you privacy, later in the evening, should you still feel you require it."

[onlyhymns]

Giving a silent nod, Cade sighed with audible relief. For the first time all evening-- all week, perhaps-- he felt that he had a modicum of control, even if it was just over a bit of his own time, and his own body. There was honesty in that, and security.
"Thank you," he said softly, closing his eyes as though a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

[keeperofmagi]

Nerva just nodded.

"Is that everything?" She asked, as if the previous conversation hadn't happened.

[onlyhymns]

Cade hesitated a moment, then nodded again. This had gone... about as badly as he had anticipated, but then, strangely, had gotten better. It would take him a while to think it over and decide how he felt about everything, but that opportunity would come later.
He shifted to pick up his clothes again, unconsciously tucking the flogger between them, in case they passed anyone in the hall. As he did so, he was struck by something, and looked at Nerva, his expression still somewhat wary, but at the same time genuinely concerned.
"I'm sorry I touched you," he said with quiet sincerity.

[keeperofmagi]

Her eyes slid off them, her expression hardening.

"Go on." She couldn't offer anything else, even if she appreciated the apology. It was too much, to think about, and her mind shut it down before she even started.

[onlyhymns]

Her answer yielded an odd, slightly knowing look from Cade-- he recognized that response, though he knew better than to comment on it, or draw any attention to it whatsoever. He did, however, feel himself relax just a touch more; she understood, and she hadn't condemned him or shamed him further.
As he passed Nerva on his way to the door, Cade felt a strange surge of respect, and-- was it protectiveness?-- for the woman. He resolved to give her no further trouble, tonight or ever, as long as he could help it.