[OPEN] how many of Andraste’s body parts can I fit in one post

[dragoon_pride]

WHO: Kain Highwind and YOU… and a parrot with a dirty mouth
WHAT: Inappropriately timed swearing
WHEN: Nowish, and really anytime over the next few days
WHERE: Garden, Chapel, outside the castle, wherever!
NOTES: Just language, tons of cursing will be happening. Yes, Kain, this is a reward somehow.

1st encounter: Garden

Kain is still taking it sort of easy (at least where Korrin or Asher can potentially see him), so he’s just doing some light stretches in the garden. It’s early in the day yet and he hasn’t put all of his armor on... so he’s not even wearing a helmet at the moment. That’s when it shows up: a bright blue bird flying straight down toward him from the sky. The parrot helps himself to a spot right on Kain’s head, getting cozy in his hair.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing!?”

Ugh... A little help de-tangling, please?

We meet again: Chapel (could be heard by passersby too!)

Though he doesn’t have any stake in this world’s religion, Kain is still curious. Gods can be demanding things, especially when they make you fight endless wars. What better way to see more of their gods than taking a glance in the chapel?

Unfortunately, as he’s standing there respectfully and quietly, the parrot decides to swoop in through an open door. It lands on Kain, who tries to shoo it off and away… no good. It’s there to stay.

Things are fine, until a squawking voice suddenly echoes through the meditative silence with, “Andraste’s ass! Andraste’s ass! ANDRATE’S FIRM LITTLE FLAMING ASS!!!”

Anyone who may have been there worshipping is... unfortunately out of luck for the moment.

The final straw: On the castle steps

“No, you must leave at once!” Kain declares, trying to dislodge the parrot from his arm where it’s taken hold.

“Sod off, nughumper!” The bird's reply is loud and clear and his tone much too sassy.

“Come on… go back to where you belong! Go home! This… isn’t… funny!”

“Suck it, arsehole! -squaaaawk squawksquawksquawk- suck my cock!”

Yes, yes this is indeed a grown man in armor having a heated argument with a parrot.

Wildcard

Just let me know if you want to have a run in with Kain and his new “friend” elsewhere! The bird will be following him everywhere.

Comments

[dragoon_pride]

Kain comes hurrying out soon enough, grumbling in annoyance under his breath.

Along with him comes the bird, who carries on in the lilting strains of its squawky voice, "Andraste's tits! Andraste's tits! ANDRASTE'S BLESSED SAGGY TITS!!!" Then a bunch of pleased squawking and chortling follow the outburst.

"Be silent!" With a shout, Kain tries to dismiss the bird from his shoulder. He succeeds, for just a moment, before the parrot returns to its perch.

It's then that he notices Korrin. "This is hardly amusing."

[gatheringstorm]

Just as her laughter is about to die down, the 'saggy tits' line sets her off again. Kain's annoyance only makes it funnier, and she shakes her head, wiping at her eyes. Maker, but is she in dire need of a good laugh and that parrot more than provides.

"The hell it isn't! I love your blasphemous new friend, Kain. It's the best clergy the chapel's ever had." She snickers and straightens, peering at the parrot. "It's a long way from the north. Some stupid noble must have bought it as a curiosity and abandoned it. Hey, I have a good one for you: 'Taarsidath-an halsaam'."

[dragoon_pride]

"This is not a friend!" Kain points angrily toward the bird, who simply utters, "Taarsidath-an halsaam!" repeating Korrin's words before moving forth to bite Kain lightly. "Ow!!!" The bird chuckles, actually chuckles after that.

The bite wasn't hard though, so it's playing some kind of a game here. Kain is determined not to be bested by it. He scowls. "Is that where these creatures live? Then at least I know where to send it back to." He is determined to get it out of his hair, so to speak, the sooner the better. "...Wait. What did you just teach it?"

[gatheringstorm]

That it repeats her phrase exactly gets her to laugh all over again. "A fast learner! I like you." What's not to like in an animal with that much attitude? Poor, unappreciated parrot. Kain should count himself lucky, though she knows he won't.

She shakes her head, countering that scowl with a grin. "I doubt you'll be able to now, Kain. It seems this ball of feathery sass has claimed you."

[dragoon_pride]

"Taarsidath-an halsaam! Taarsidath-an halsaam! squaaaaaaawk!" The parrot's head bobs excitedly, clearly learning a new thing is a very big deal.

Kain keeps on frowning deeply. "You're taking its side... I cannot believe you're taking its side..." He stares at the bird, who stares right back almost mimicking him. When they're looking at each other like that, the vague resemblance it bears to his armor is all too clear. "Look, it's clearly made some mistake..."

[gatheringstorm]

That resemblance sets Korrin off again, and her sides are already aching. Maker bless this foul-mouthed parrot. And yes, she'll continue to ignore his inquiry as to the meaning of that phrase. It'll be all the more fun when someone who understands Qunlat hears it. "Oh, I don't know. He clearly just wants to be with one of his own kind. Your armor and his feathers match pretty effectively, don't they?"

[dragoon_pride]

Kain is thoroughly annoyed that she won't translate for him, and that he continues to be the object of her mockery. Grrrr... why him...

"One of his own... ah... is that the problem? He saw my armor, and thought I was something like him?" That explains it, and maybe it means it's nothing at all to do with him, himself. It's just a mistake, that's all, right. "Clearly he needs to find his own kind... That or I ought to seek out the owner. Surely he's... missed..."

"Piss on it, whoremuffin! Piss on it! Squaaaawk! Andraste's burning pussy!"

Siiiiiiiiiiigh. Missed, yeah, right.

[gatheringstorm]

The bird is mocking Kain just fine without her help, Korrin's just enjoying the show. Mostly. Except for that one phrase, which no one is likely to blame on Kain. Maybe one day she'll teach him Qunlat...when she can stop laughing. But 'whoremuffin' and Andraste's various body parts make that extremely difficult.

"Vashedan. There's another new one for you. It means 'crap'." She can behave and translate some things, at least. "Try stepping out of that armor? Maybe it'll lose interest when it sees you without it."

[dragoon_pride]

The more Korrin laughs, the more Kain frowns, he’s really not having an amusing time of it. Why does he have to put up with such things? The parrot is like Edge in bird form. No, no, worse than Edge, more of an ass than the less serious Cosmos warriors like Jecht or Laguna.

“Vashedan! Vashedan! Nug-shit!” The bird flaps his wings and stretches, making pleased chirping sounds.

“I can hardly just take this armor off here and now,” Kain replies. “Nor can I do without it, most days.” He sighs, realizing something. “When it came to me earlier, I did have the helmet off, and it tried to make a nest out of my hair…” He’s not about to repeat that again.

[gatheringstorm]

Hearing her teachings take root, Korrin lets out an amused snort. "No, keep the helmet on for now. But unless you're actually training or out on the battlefield, you don't need to be in full armor. Give it a break when you go change, see if that makes it lose interest. It's worth a shot, right?"

[dragoon_pride]

"Of course I need to be in armor-" Look, no one ever said that Kain-logic made much sense. "I mean... unless it would help, but if it doesn't, then I'm not about to go without it for long." He frowns and looks toward the parrot, who cocks his head almost innocently.

The effect is ruined, however, by an utterance: "By the maker's cock!!!"

"Do you have any other strategies for getting it to leave me alone?"

[gatheringstorm]

"Not all the time, you don't." Korrin just looks at Kain, baffled at the notion of wearing the full armor practically all the time. Unless he's a guard or constantly on the battlefield, it seems excessive. Even she doesn't do that, as a trained mercenary.

"Feeding it as a distraction? Maybe it'll become the world's fattest parrot with enough spoiling, and then it won't be able to pursue you."

[dragoon_pride]

"Yes, I do have to always wear it," Kain insists, not about to elaborate on how much he likes that the armor intimidates people, helps him maintain a safe distance from other people. Besides, he does like to be ready at a moment's notice if fighting erupts somewhere.

He smirks at her comment, finding that amusing despite himself. "That sounds like a worthwhile idea. Perhaps that's all it's been after, all this time, and it'll go away satisfied once well fed..."

Yes, feed it and it'll go away, right? Though, 'feed it and it's yours' is how it usually is, at least with chocobos... he's a bit concerned about this notion. But he has to try something.

[gatheringstorm]

Kain's firm insistence is met with an eyeroll, as she doesn't understand or care to understand the mentality that leads people to live in their armor. When she has no choice, fine, or when training, but otherwise it seems unnecessary. But she'll save the lecture for another time...and she's sure it'll be needed.

"Then let's get your new friend to the kitchen. If we lure it somewhere else with treats, maybe it'll forget to follow you around. At least for a while."

[dragoon_pride]

Kain noticed that eyeroll, but chooses not to comment on it, knowing that it’s better to drop a matter than risk her continuing to go on about it.

“He’s not my friend!” He insists, but the bird only laughs and starts going on about “By the balls of my ancestors!!! Son of a darkspawn!” Kain frowns, but nods to Korrin. “But let’s see about that distraction… quickly.” The sooner he can get it out of a public location, the better. It’s bad enough he undoubtedly disrupted the quiet prayerful silence of the place.