faderift | [OPEN] how many of Andraste’s body parts can I fit in one post

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[OPEN] how many of Andraste’s body parts can I fit in one post

WHO: Kain Highwind and YOU… and a parrot with a dirty mouth
WHAT: Inappropriately timed swearing
WHEN: Nowish, and really anytime over the next few days
WHERE: Garden, Chapel, outside the castle, wherever!
NOTES: Just language, tons of cursing will be happening. Yes, Kain, this is a reward somehow.

1st encounter: Garden

Kain is still taking it sort of easy (at least where Korrin or Asher can potentially see him), so he’s just doing some light stretches in the garden. It’s early in the day yet and he hasn’t put all of his armor on... so he’s not even wearing a helmet at the moment. That’s when it shows up: a bright blue bird flying straight down toward him from the sky. The parrot helps himself to a spot right on Kain’s head, getting cozy in his hair.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing!?”

Ugh... A little help de-tangling, please?

We meet again: Chapel (could be heard by passersby too!)

Though he doesn’t have any stake in this world’s religion, Kain is still curious. Gods can be demanding things, especially when they make you fight endless wars. What better way to see more of their gods than taking a glance in the chapel?

Unfortunately, as he’s standing there respectfully and quietly, the parrot decides to swoop in through an open door. It lands on Kain, who tries to shoo it off and away… no good. It’s there to stay.

Things are fine, until a squawking voice suddenly echoes through the meditative silence with, “Andraste’s ass! Andraste’s ass! ANDRATE’S FIRM LITTLE FLAMING ASS!!!”

Anyone who may have been there worshipping is... unfortunately out of luck for the moment.

The final straw: On the castle steps

“No, you must leave at once!” Kain declares, trying to dislodge the parrot from his arm where it’s taken hold.

“Sod off, nughumper!” The bird's reply is loud and clear and his tone much too sassy.

“Come on… go back to where you belong! Go home! This… isn’t… funny!”

“Suck it, arsehole! -squaaaawk squawksquawksquawk- suck my cock!”

Yes, yes this is indeed a grown man in armor having a heated argument with a parrot.

Wildcard

Just let me know if you want to have a run in with Kain and his new “friend” elsewhere! The bird will be following him everywhere.

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Korrin doesn't tend to visit the chapel, as in her experience it's more often than not a gathering place for Templars or judgmental Chantry sisters. So as much as she might believe in the Maker, she'll pass on observing any Andrastian prayers. That doesn't stop her from hanging out in the garden, though, often checking on Sina or gathering elfroot to make for potions.

It's during the latter when she sees the parrot (?!?) swoop into the chapel and she stares for a moment in disbelief before heading over. Just who does that thing belong to and why--

Andraste's ass!

...and that's why Korrin is found near the chapel door, laughing until her sides ache.

Kain comes hurrying out soon enough, grumbling in annoyance under his breath.

Along with him comes the bird, who carries on in the lilting strains of its squawky voice, "Andraste's tits! Andraste's tits! ANDRASTE'S BLESSED SAGGY TITS!!!" Then a bunch of pleased squawking and chortling follow the outburst.

"Be silent!" With a shout, Kain tries to dismiss the bird from his shoulder. He succeeds, for just a moment, before the parrot returns to its perch.

It's then that he notices Korrin. "This is hardly amusing."

Just as her laughter is about to die down, the 'saggy tits' line sets her off again. Kain's annoyance only makes it funnier, and she shakes her head, wiping at her eyes. Maker, but is she in dire need of a good laugh and that parrot more than provides.

"The hell it isn't! I love your blasphemous new friend, Kain. It's the best clergy the chapel's ever had." She snickers and straightens, peering at the parrot. "It's a long way from the north. Some stupid noble must have bought it as a curiosity and abandoned it. Hey, I have a good one for you: 'Taarsidath-an halsaam'."

"This is not a friend!" Kain points angrily toward the bird, who simply utters, "Taarsidath-an halsaam!" repeating Korrin's words before moving forth to bite Kain lightly. "Ow!!!" The bird chuckles, actually chuckles after that.

The bite wasn't hard though, so it's playing some kind of a game here. Kain is determined not to be bested by it. He scowls. "Is that where these creatures live? Then at least I know where to send it back to." He is determined to get it out of his hair, so to speak, the sooner the better. "...Wait. What did you just teach it?"

Edited 2016-03-16 03:30 (UTC)

That it repeats her phrase exactly gets her to laugh all over again. "A fast learner! I like you." What's not to like in an animal with that much attitude? Poor, unappreciated parrot. Kain should count himself lucky, though she knows he won't.

She shakes her head, countering that scowl with a grin. "I doubt you'll be able to now, Kain. It seems this ball of feathery sass has claimed you."

"Taarsidath-an halsaam! Taarsidath-an halsaam! squaaaaaaawk!" The parrot's head bobs excitedly, clearly learning a new thing is a very big deal.

Kain keeps on frowning deeply. "You're taking its side... I cannot believe you're taking its side..." He stares at the bird, who stares right back almost mimicking him. When they're looking at each other like that, the vague resemblance it bears to his armor is all too clear. "Look, it's clearly made some mistake..."

That resemblance sets Korrin off again, and her sides are already aching. Maker bless this foul-mouthed parrot. And yes, she'll continue to ignore his inquiry as to the meaning of that phrase. It'll be all the more fun when someone who understands Qunlat hears it. "Oh, I don't know. He clearly just wants to be with one of his own kind. Your armor and his feathers match pretty effectively, don't they?"

Kain is thoroughly annoyed that she won't translate for him, and that he continues to be the object of her mockery. Grrrr... why him...

"One of his own... ah... is that the problem? He saw my armor, and thought I was something like him?" That explains it, and maybe it means it's nothing at all to do with him, himself. It's just a mistake, that's all, right. "Clearly he needs to find his own kind... That or I ought to seek out the owner. Surely he's... missed..."

"Piss on it, whoremuffin! Piss on it! Squaaaawk! Andraste's burning pussy!"

Siiiiiiiiiiigh. Missed, yeah, right.

The bird is mocking Kain just fine without her help, Korrin's just enjoying the show. Mostly. Except for that one phrase, which no one is likely to blame on Kain. Maybe one day she'll teach him Qunlat...when she can stop laughing. But 'whoremuffin' and Andraste's various body parts make that extremely difficult.

"Vashedan. There's another new one for you. It means 'crap'." She can behave and translate some things, at least. "Try stepping out of that armor? Maybe it'll lose interest when it sees you without it."

The more Korrin laughs, the more Kain frowns, he’s really not having an amusing time of it. Why does he have to put up with such things? The parrot is like Edge in bird form. No, no, worse than Edge, more of an ass than the less serious Cosmos warriors like Jecht or Laguna.

“Vashedan! Vashedan! Nug-shit!” The bird flaps his wings and stretches, making pleased chirping sounds.

“I can hardly just take this armor off here and now,” Kain replies. “Nor can I do without it, most days.” He sighs, realizing something. “When it came to me earlier, I did have the helmet off, and it tried to make a nest out of my hair…” He’s not about to repeat that again.

Hearing her teachings take root, Korrin lets out an amused snort. "No, keep the helmet on for now. But unless you're actually training or out on the battlefield, you don't need to be in full armor. Give it a break when you go change, see if that makes it lose interest. It's worth a shot, right?"

"Of course I need to be in armor-" Look, no one ever said that Kain-logic made much sense. "I mean... unless it would help, but if it doesn't, then I'm not about to go without it for long." He frowns and looks toward the parrot, who cocks his head almost innocently.

The effect is ruined, however, by an utterance: "By the maker's cock!!!"

"Do you have any other strategies for getting it to leave me alone?"

"Not all the time, you don't." Korrin just looks at Kain, baffled at the notion of wearing the full armor practically all the time. Unless he's a guard or constantly on the battlefield, it seems excessive. Even she doesn't do that, as a trained mercenary.

"Feeding it as a distraction? Maybe it'll become the world's fattest parrot with enough spoiling, and then it won't be able to pursue you."

"Yes, I do have to always wear it," Kain insists, not about to elaborate on how much he likes that the armor intimidates people, helps him maintain a safe distance from other people. Besides, he does like to be ready at a moment's notice if fighting erupts somewhere.

He smirks at her comment, finding that amusing despite himself. "That sounds like a worthwhile idea. Perhaps that's all it's been after, all this time, and it'll go away satisfied once well fed..."

Yes, feed it and it'll go away, right? Though, 'feed it and it's yours' is how it usually is, at least with chocobos... he's a bit concerned about this notion. But he has to try something.

Kain's firm insistence is met with an eyeroll, as she doesn't understand or care to understand the mentality that leads people to live in their armor. When she has no choice, fine, or when training, but otherwise it seems unnecessary. But she'll save the lecture for another time...and she's sure it'll be needed.

"Then let's get your new friend to the kitchen. If we lure it somewhere else with treats, maybe it'll forget to follow you around. At least for a while."

Kain noticed that eyeroll, but chooses not to comment on it, knowing that it’s better to drop a matter than risk her continuing to go on about it.

“He’s not my friend!” He insists, but the bird only laughs and starts going on about “By the balls of my ancestors!!! Son of a darkspawn!” Kain frowns, but nods to Korrin. “But let’s see about that distraction… quickly.” The sooner he can get it out of a public location, the better. It’s bad enough he undoubtedly disrupted the quiet prayerful silence of the place.

Ellana doesn't notice the bird until Kain makes his exclamation, but when she sees what's happening, she rushes over, hands out but not sure what to do.

"Oh no, what do I do? If I try to pull it off, it might hold on to your scalp!"

Groaning a little, Kain gives up on pulling the bird, because ouch, it's digging in good and hard. Apparently his hair has become a temporary nest at the moment. With a wince, Kain looks over at the woman who's joined him.

"Good question! It... doesn't want to move..." The bird makes contented little chirping sounds, seemingly totally innocent. "But there must be some way to force it off..."

"Uh... food? We could entice it away if we feed it something. But I've never seen this type of bird before. I don't even know what it eats." Still, she tries coming up with a list of what birds eat. Seeds, insects, sweet things?

With one more attempt to pull the bird out, Kain feels another tug at his hair, at the same time the bird crying out, "Fucknuggets!!" At the moment, Kain's assumption is, he's aggravated it somehow. He moves his hand away, not entirely fond of doing more damage. He looks thoughtful then, trying to consider that.

"Perhaps there's something growing in the garden it might like? Some birds back home enjoy greens... but this one isn't like any I've seen either." He's seen a number of different plants here, maybe something'll be to its liking.

Startled at the bird's exclamation, she takes a step back. "It talks! Is it possessed?"

Because she did not sign up to deal with a demon-possessed bird, thank you very much.

Kain also freaks out for a moment, rolling his eyes up as far as he can to sort-off look at the bird atop his head. "I don't... I don't think so." Though from this angle it almost looks demonic. He looks toward Ellana again. "It may just be... that it can talk..." Sort of.

Doesn't make it any less weird, especially as the bird just delightedly declares out of nowhere, "Ancestor's Balls!" Before it returns to happy bird-sounds.

Ellana shakes her head, still trying to come to terms with this. "I suppose... a demon would have a bit more conversation about it, instead of nonsense phrases. I'll see what I can find."

She scours the garden and returns with a few flowers on the stem and a worm.

"Mmm, do you like worms? Hmm?" She bounces the worm in the air held between her finger and thumb. "Want it?"

Right, a demon wouldn't be this ridiculously crass, he doesn't think. They'd be far more... subtle and devious, or so he's been told.

When she returns, Kain waits to see what the bird does. It sniffs a little, bobbing its head and fluttering its wings, before it leans forward, interested in the worm and having a dilemma about whether or not to eat or give up its perch. "Stones! Stones and rat shit!" it declares, whatever it means to communicate by that who knows. Probably showing off its frustration?

"Come on... you clearly want that worm," Kain tries to direct this toward the bird as much as he can.

Ellana winces slightly at the parrot's filthy mouth before pulling the worm back a little, to encourage it to let go. Of course, it now occurs to her that the bird may abandon its perch for her, so she holds the worm up in clear sight before saying, "Go get it!" and tossing it in the air away from her.

The bird makes some noises that are just all too much like a whole lot of chuckling. But it keeps eyes on the worm, and is definitely intrigued enough to go for it, finally spreading its wings and flying off to chase it.

Kain sighs, watching it, relieved to be freed of the parrot. His long blond hair is a bit of a mess thanks to the bird's presence, but, he supposes it may have been worse. "You've my thanks for thinking of that. I feared I might spend the day with it on my head otherwise..."

"You're welcome. I know I would want someone to help me if my head was taken over by a bird." She watches the parrot pluck up the worm and eat it, and wonders what it will do next. Best to keep an eye on it.

"I wonder if it belongs to someone here who taught it to talk."

"Then I'll be sure to return the favor, one day, should that ever happen." He's totally serious, actually, always one to want to repay any favors done to him, whether for good or bad. He feels a sense of relief with the bird being distracted for now, but how long can it last?

He combs his fingers through his hair to detangle it, somewhat. "The owner surely must be nearby. It probably just escaped, somehow." He frowns a little bit, as the bird is just finishing up the worm, slurping it up loudly...

"By the stone!" The parrot shouts, flying back up. Kain attempts to shield his head, and waves his arms to fend it off, forcing the bird to land (for now) on a nearby tree.

"You could put a notice up on the bulletin board about it," she suggests, just as the bird shouts and takes flight. She ducks a little and lifts her hands over her head, relieved when the bird decides on the tree as its perch instead.

"I think I'd better abandon the garden before I become its next target."

Kain nods agreement, that's a really good idea. "The sooner I get a message out, the sooner the owner will surely appear to claim it." He keeps glancing warily toward the tree as well, prepared to duck and dart away at any sigh of motion, but the bird seems content... for now.

"Likewise. I've more important things to do than stand around all day with a bird on my head." It's time to go and armor up for a training session by now, and the sooner he escapes to do that, the better. He glances over toward her. "My thanks again... I'm Kain, by the way."

"I'm Ellana." She smiles and then shoots a wary look the bird's way as he does. "I'll see you around, hopefully without this bird following you." Not after all the hard work she did to get him off!

“It’s good to meet you, Ellana… although perhaps not under such circumstances.” Kain keeps on watching the bird, but at the moment, the blue terror is content to sing, which ends up being a mix of actual bird-sounding noise, with the occasional “Oh shit!!” thrown in at random. The result is… disconcerting. “Thank you again for the assistance… I’m sure we’ll meet again soon.”

Without the bird following him, yes. Kain is going to aim hard for this goal.

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[OPEN] how many of Andraste’s body parts can I fit in one post

Chapel (well, near it in the garden)

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garden

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