faderift | [Closed] This isn't even my final form

He's scared.

Resigned, guilty, accepting... and terrified. Bringing Nate along to look with him for Hercules or Kaidan is a cowardly move, but he's doing it anyway because it means there's no way to run now. Things are in motion. At least this time, as he sets off what may be a chain of events, it's likely no one else will die.

Up ahead is a man fitting the description he's been given, and after a confirmation glance at Nathaniel, Anders approaches.

"Warden Hercules, I believe?"

Herc straightens up at the sound of his name. There's a mabari asleep nearby, undignified as possible, sprawled on its back and tongue lolling out, and Herc shakes his head at the dog as he sets down the sword he was polishing and steps forward. "That'd be me. Just 'Herc' is fine."

A nod at Nate, and even if he's not smiling, there's an openness and a warmth to his expression and the way he moves. He's an old soldier, worn down, but he's not been turned harsh by it, and that's something.

"How can I help you?"

The weight in his stomach turns leaden and time seems to slow. He takes a breath that might be slow or might be a gasp, he's not sure, but it doesn't buy him any time or make this any easier.

"I'm given to understand that you're part of the leadership for the Grey Wardens here." Anders has no idea how his voice is calm or even. It doesn't even sound like his own. "I've been working with the Inquisition for several weeks now, but it's been under an assumed name."

Granted, everything he's done since he was a child has been under an assumed name, but part of that isn't his fault.

"I was a Grey Warden who left. I wanted to speak with you about that, and other crimes I've committed while trying to help my people find freedom."

"Such as it is," he replies with a bit of a wry expression. Things were complicated for the Grey Wardens, right about now, moreso than usual. Still, the stranger's observation has his holding himself a little straighter. Not necessarily all that noticeably, and the shift isn't really a conscience thing, just a change from a most casual posture to that of a soldier. He's been that for so long, though, he's not sure he'd know how to be anything else.

Assumed names, leaving the Wardens, other crimes. Herc's clenches, just barely and he inhales, slow and careful. "Technically," he starts, reply slow and thought out, "we're all of us Wardens that left. But it doesn't sound like those were the same circumstances for you." Not with how he's drawing attention to it, to crimes and a false name, and Herc's manner is settling into something more serious and more severe.

What would Stacker do, now?

"Let's walk," he starts, tilting his head a bit so they can make their way up the stairs and to the ramparts, ensuring a little more privacy.

He doesn't rush the man. If anything, Anders feels sorry for him. Herc hadn't asked for this. For a moment the guilt Anders feels increases, but he falls in step easily regardless. There isn't any taking this back, just like there hadn't been any taking back when he'd told Adelaide about Justice. Once again things are in motion and all that can be done is moving with them.

"The circumstances were different," Anders confirms quietly as the three of them walk. "I was conscripted as an apostate, which frustrated the Templars on my trail. Some of them continued to pursue me, which included joining the Wardens and attempting to isolate me there. They succeeded on a mission we were sent on, and they attacked. As may be obvious due to the fact that I'm breathing and here, they died."

And for that, Anders feels no guilt. "But I could think of no way to return after that without at the very least seeing the harassment increase." In fact, most of what he's feeling right now is numb detachment. They haven't gotten to what he feels he's done wrong yet, not to any of the blood on his hands that matters. Rolan deserved death, as did those working with him.

Bleeding Templars. It's not that Herc has a particular issue with them, all told. They're sword to a duty, just as Wardens are, and he's not so naive as to think that all mages are guiltless, innocent people. There are mages he'd trust with his life (has, many times over, Kaidan and Bethany among them) and then there were the ones that'd get so desperate as to do whatever they thought necessary. Desperate, or maybe just greedy and ambitious, whatever the web of emotions and motivations had to be to get a person to embrace blood magic and control others, steal away the control of their own minds and bodies. There's mages and there's mages, just as there are Templars and Templars. Some are good, honourable, and some are so bent and twisted that they'd mar the names of too many of their fellows.

As they reach the top of the stairs and the stranger explains further, Herc feels an uneasy twist in his gut.

"They had no business doing that." Obvious, perhaps, but there's an edge of anger in his tone, as calm as he seems to be. The Grey Wardens had a duty as sacred as the Templars, though not nearly so self-righteous and glorified.

"Let me get this straight." Just a moment. "You escaped the Templars, and just never came back? You gave up on the Wardens being able to protect you or have some parley with the Templars to settle the issue and look after one of their own, just like that?"

Maybe he can understand it. The man had killed, but he had killed in self defence, even if he was an apostate - plenty of Grey Wardens were conscripted, and they still stood together. It was their way. "We don't abandon our fellow wardens."

Edited 2016-02-25 04:04 (UTC)

"Except you did." He understands the denial and the questions. No one wants to think amiss of their group, and Anders had desperately wanted to believe in the Grey Wardens. He couldn't at that time, though.

"Not you personally. But this wasn't the first Templar attempt on my life, and it had been made clear they wouldn't stop. And that they'd be continually allowed to join the Grey Wardens and follow me around. I wasn't silent about the harassment. Templars were joining the Grey Wardens to continue following me, and I protested. I asked for protection. The response was sending me out with the worst of them."

He leans against the wall as they reach the top. "I escaped that group. That attempt. And knew they'd try more, and one day they'd succeed. Things were... chaotic. The Warden-Commander was absent, there was confusion. I'm not angry about what happened, though I was at the time. There simply weren't the resources to go around to protect one mage Grey Warden, or to deny seemingly willing Templars from joining. And I know what the next question likely is - why they were that determined."

Now a little bit of an edge enters his voice, not aimed at Hercules, but at the Templars in his past. "I'd been captured by the Templars before I was conscripted. They brought me to a nearby fortress, put me in a cell... and then the fortress was attacked by Darkspawn. They died to the Darkspawn while I was still in cuffs that kept me from casting, huddled in the back corner of my cell. By the time the relief got to the fortress I'd rifled through the dead Wardens' pockets, unlocked my cuffs and my cell, and was setting Darkspawn on fire. The assumption was that I killed my captors. They didn't care that it was obviously wrong due to the marks on the Templars' corpses."

He shakes his head. "It wasn't going to stop until I was dead, and I wasn't going to be protected." Anders gestures at Nathaniel. "He can confirm it, that I asked for help, that it wasn't the first attempt on my life, and that there was no protection to be found."

And they took his cat. Of all the petty things... but it is petty and small and it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. His life does. However much of it he has left.

To say that's disappointing to hear would be just about the biggest bloody understatement of all time. Herc's hands rest at his hips and he looks up at the sky for a moment, never mind the harsh light, mouth clamped shut to spare Nate and his friend - whose name he hasn't even asked for yet, he realises - the anger that'd spill forth if he let himself speak too soon.

Finally, tightly, "That is not what the Wardens are meant to be." Not that desperate, not reduced to that kind of cruelty against their own, not involved in mage politics. If Loghain Mac Tir and Rendon Howe hadn't slaughtered so many of them at Ostagar, it might not ever have been like that, but Loghain's been one of them as some sort of punishment-redemption and Nathaniel's father is long dead. Nothing can be done to change what they did, not what this man has endured, and Herc looks to the stranger for a moment before turning his gaze on Nathaniel.

"We've had a lot of runs together, Nate." I'm trusting you, here, is written into his tone, gaze careful as he awaits Nathaniel's confirmation, denial or revision of this man's story. "What have you got to say about it?"

He won't apologise to this stranger, not yet. Not before he knows its true. And if it is? Well, it's just another testament to how bad things have been for so long, for the ways they let themselves get undermined and weakened until this many of them fled to Skyhold.

"It's as bad as he says, ser," Nathaniel confirms quietly. "I was there when a Templar lured him into a trap, after witnessing his conscription before the Queen of Ferelden. She claimed that the Chantry's authority overrode the crown, and attacked us all. Fought to the death. And he'd done no worse than annoy the Templars. I thought she was a lone zealot, till we learned about Rolan."

Edited 2016-02-25 15:28 (UTC)

Anders doesn't react to Nate being questioned. It's not easy to hear of failings, and at least Herc is getting confirmation instead of rejecting what Anders is saying outright. Besides. This is the easiest part of it, establishing that he's a Warden. It's also the most crucial. If he's a Grey Warden, the fact that he's been here can't hurt the authority of the Mage Council. There won't be a question of custody, or what the mages should do, and whatever happens won't be on their heads.

Unfortunately, it will be on Grey Warden heads, but he's fairly certain that the decision to execute him will only alienate those who are his friends. It won't have wide-reaching consequences.

"I hope that's acceptable. If not, there's one other Grey Warden witness here, but I'm not certain where she currently is. And she... doesn't have the reliability that Nate does." If Nate's testimony isn't enough, Anders isn't really sure what he'll do. He's put everything in one attempt here, and if any part of this falls apart, the whole thing might.

A long silence follows. It's a lot to think about, to digest, and Herc exhales a long, slow breath.

"Maker," he finally manages, rubbing his forehead with the heel of his thumb. Another look to Nate, and he nods. "It's acceptable, far as I can figure it. I'm sorry they weren't there for you." Well, no, that's not quite right, is it? "I'm sorry we weren't there for you. Even with things that bad, Grey Wardens stand together."

It seemed a laughable thing to say, what Grey Wardens should do and how they should have solidarity, in such circumstances as these, but Herc believes in doing what's right. He believes in doing it no matter the cost, whether it was his own life, whether it was his best friend's or his son's that hung in the balance. To be a Grey Warden meant sacrifice for the sake of the world, not for the sake of your personal happiness or satisfaction.

"So, do I take it you want to rejoin the ranks? Can't say this is the best time to be a Warden," he adds a little dryly though there's a certain warmth that sneaks in, as his arms cross over his chest, "But as far as I'm concerned, you're one of us. One of our own."

Which leads him to, "And there was something else you wanted to talk to me about, wasn't there? Though I might ask for your actual name, not your fake one."

Still running from templars, probably. Can't blame a man for caution.

Edited 2016-02-26 01:23 (UTC)

The warmth he hears hurts, and the guilt shows on his face as he glances back at Nathaniel. What else can he do? There's no way to move forward without hurting someone. And now he's going to put this on a man who would have welcomed him back if he was anyone else.

"I wish this was to rejoin the ranks. You make it sound like I could actually find a place there again." Those first several months had been good, despite the darkspawn and the deep roads and the marsh. He'd had friends, he'd been doing something with his life. But he's gone too far, crossed too many lines.

Anders sighs and looks out over the distance. He can't meet Herc's eyes, and he certainly can't look over at Nate as he continues. "It's more that if the Grey Wardens execute me as one of their own, I'm not costing the mages any of the progress we've made toward freedom. I won't splinter them further. I won't hurt the Mage Council." He takes a breath, but it has to be a short one to lessen the risk of his friend jumping in. "I'm surrendering, and the name you'd know me by is Anders."

Put him in a hat, fuck his life sideways and call him the Divine.

Suffice to say there's a pause before he gathers up his thoughts. He's not sure there's an adequate way to gather up his thoughts, in fact, arms still crossed and fingers digging hard into his skin, pressure leaving it white, while his face drains to a grey pallor.

"Anders," he grinds out. "Guy who blew up the Kirkwall Chantry. Killed a lot of innocent people, from what I hear."

Any of the progress we've made towards freedom, Andraste's teeth. "You won't hurt the Mage Council? That's real gratifying to hear," Herc growls out, arms finally uncrossing as he takes a couple of steps away from Anders, turning his back on him before rounding back to face him. "You made people more afraid of mages, not less."

He speaks low, quiet, because yelling this from the ramparts isn't going to go any better. "I'm not defending what was going on in Kirkwall, but don't act like you're doing this because somehow it'll be better for mages."

Seething about it isn't going to get this settled, and Herc checks himself, stilling and looking Anders in the eyes, even if Anders doesn't return the gaze. If the man's killed as a Grey Warden, what'll that mean for the order? Will it just set up Anders as a martyr? And if Herc makes the decision to execute one of their own on his own, what would the repercussions be for their group here?

And a look at Nate, jaw clenched. "How many other Wardens know?"

Nathaniel is increasingly glad of Herc, that he's taking his anger out in a healthy way, being as rational as is possible when faced with this situation. He tics his chin up when Herc addresses him.

"Bethany Hawke," he says, "Velanna, and probably Kaisa Daesun, ser." He glances at Anders. "Anyone else?"

Best to be honest and up front. If Herc starts getting ideas of actually executing Anders, Nathaniel will volunteer more.

Edited 2016-02-26 02:34 (UTC)

Now he meets Herc's gaze. The anger is deserved, though the words have him pressing his lips together to keep from saying anything in anger in return. Everything has been for the mages, and people can't possibly be more afraid than they already were. Not only that, mages are here, outside the Circle. He's made progress.

But someone who has never been locked up for their birth wouldn't see that. Anders crosses his arms before shaking his head at the question.

"No. Just the four, counting you." He'd worried that Alistair might, but their meeting had been simple, in passing.

"And please." Okay, maybe he can't completely keep his mouth shut. "If this wasn't for the mages, I'd be gone. I was doing quite well out there on my own."

...hungry, lonely, but at least he'd not been dying. It's the little things.

"Ser," Nathaniel says suddenly, coming forward to take Anders' shoulder, "Anders is coming clean because it's the right thing to do. I know how that sounds, but we're Wardens. We all of us know a man can change."

He squeezes Anders' shoulder and watches Herc, eyes pleading. They have, all of them, changed. Some for the better, some simply diverting their blood-thirst in an acceptable direction like Velanna or Kaisa. But they were all given that chance, except for Anders.

It's lucky Nate steps in. Not so much because Herc was in danger of decking Anders (as much as he might want to in this present second), but it helps draw focus. Helps remind him of who he is, what they all are.

(All right, maybe it does help him not lay into Anders more, because that comment about being gone was obnoxious, at best. Self-righteous mongrel.)

"That we do," he replies, tightly. He saw his brother change for the worst, or heard of it at least, of his brother abandoning men in battle. Wetting his lips, Herc bites down on his tongue and looks between the two men. One he trusts with his life, and the other he trusts to make a really satisfying thud sound when Herc throws him over the bloody ramparts. (He wont, but it's a tempting thought.)

"And this isn't a decision just for me. If this is about how a man can change," and he gives Nate a significant don't you make me regret this look, "then the others should have a chance to hear you out, and to speak up. Whatever the decision, we're doing right by the Wardens."

But he really, really doesn't want to give Anders the satisfaction of being a martyr, as much as he's sure plenty of people here would find equal satisfaction in taking off his head. "We're going to have to announce this to the Inquisition."

What a blast that'll be.

He looks over at Nate at the squeeze and relents a little. The man's protecting him, and Anders shouldn't make his job harder than it already is. Not like he thinks Nate has a chance. But the effort is welcome.

"I don't really know what there is to say. But if the others have questions, I'll answer them." He's an abomination who murdered a great many people. What is there to hear out? All the same, there's the smallest portion of hope threatening to bloom in his chest. He'd been resigned, figured it all out, but Herc is somehow listening to Nathaniel. There might be a chance. ...Which means maybe Anders should stop being an ass. That's not exactly the easiest thing, but he looks down anyway.

And doesn't mention how his changes have been going, of late, if Justice is taken into account. Later, when he has time alone with Nate.

A curt nod, and Herc's pulling away, taking a moment to look up at the sky and the Frostbacks stretching out as he grabs his sending crystal from his pocket.

"All right, then. I'll get the word out. We'll see where it goes from there. Suffice to say, if you run now, I'll come after your head myself."

Herc nods to both of them, and moves further along the ramparts to record the message, leaning forward against the stone and tapping his crustal against it for long moments before he starts. What a mess.

[Closed] This isn't even my final form

For HERC

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finally a reason to use this hilarious angry face

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