faderift | Let No Soul Hunger For Justice: Nothing But The Truth

Angry at you being reserved and hurt? That's not what this is in the least. I'm hurt by that. But you went further. And I'm allowed to be upset by that, and you're an ass to think I wouldn't be hurt to find out that you see this as simply test and word, with no sight of the person there anymore.

I thought during the spar that maybe there was a remnant, something left, but I'm not even someone anymore. I... I care, and from the sounds of it you're like almost everyone else, seeing me as a thing. I am allowed to be angry for that. And if that's truly how you see me, and yes, I'm asking, then I don't want your word. I don't want your help.

It is important to be specific and cite your references.

[ To explain that she is hurt, why she is hurt.

Was hurt.

Is hurt. She's been using the present tense. Apparently she is not quite so well removed from this. ]

Either I distance myself thusly while I attempt to find an answer and we are able to move forward and actually perform these rituals- or I lose yet more sleep over the knowledge that if I misstep, this could kill you. And then we do nothing because I cannot see or think or even risk reaching for the power it would take to perform these for fear of a Pride demon swooping in with a grand promise of a solution if I say yes!

[ Oh. That- it is a constant fear, but she had not meant to raise her voice. Had not meant to shout but it is- all of this is too much. And yet she tries, and yet she moves forward because she must. ]

I cannot do this, and the council, and the healing, and the teaching and see everyone as someone. They are a patient, they are a student, they are a subject. I do not have so much left in me that I can let my heart bleed for everyone that comes under my hands, Anders. To do otherwise- [ She cuts herself off, sagging back against the wall, voice soft. ] I can't. It would overwhelm me and I am... I am already at the end of my rope.

[He's ready to hurl back 'references' and give her plenty of irrelevant citations and then she keeps talking. If she's afraid that he could die, then he might not just be a thing. Still one. But... maybe not only one.

Anders shakes his head by the time she comes to the end of what she's saying, but it's far more wary than it is angry.]

I can't do that. I can't turn it off if they're hurt, or needing help, or something is harming them. I don't know how, and I don't want to know how. It's part of how I know there's still humanity to me, and still part of the boy and young man who worked with Compassion.

[He takes a breath and stops looking at her.]

The only people I've ever been able to stop seeing are Templars, and that's because of how many times they hurt me and hurt the people around me. Justice can ignore that blood mages are people; it would be easier if I could as well.

[His voice regains some sternness as he continues.]

What would not be easier for anyone is if you go irreparably abomination in attempting to solve this situation.

It is not something I would recommend. It's quite stressful.

[ She drains her glass with a long swallow, head still tipped up to the cold stone overhead. As though somewhere in the cobwebs and grout there might be answers. ]

A mentor taught me this when I was sent with him to treat my first plague. The first thing you learn as a healer is that you cannot save everyone. The second- and the trial that lasts until we die- is learning how to live with that. Making them one of many. Making you a test subject rather than a friend...it is not perfect but it helps in short stretches. This is not something you are meant to keep doing for months on end.

It hurts more than heals after a point that I have left miles behind.

[ There's another teacup somewhere- she fills it with wine and nudges it in Anders' direction. ]

I have been ignoring pride demons as long as I can remember. They have yet to find an answer so tempting that I would say yes. If I would not say yes for Robert- [ The rest she bites back. It wil not help, no matter how true. ]

[Robert. He can guess, from her dream, and he takes the teacup of brandy and drains it far more quickly than Justice would like. Justice can stuff it. Anders is tired. They both are. They've seen each other around the tent, working ceaselessly.]

I never got sent out. I ran too many times. Wynne... I'm sure she was excellent at rendering people down into objects, and she would have taught me had I been taken. Instead, I met my first plague as a solo healer in Darktown. And my second, and third, and so on. They were my people, and I was their healer. But they weren't the only ones hurting.

[He passes the cup back, hoping more than a little for a refill.]

Is there... When we're not trying something, the rituals, is there any friendship left? Is there any chance of it left? I want to know if I've been fooling myself.

[He hopes for the wrong things, and overlooks what he has a chance at still. He's exhausted and heartsore.]

A reward for exceptional skill and behavior.

[ She raises a mocking toast to her former self. So determined. So trusting.

So foolish.

She knocks back the rest of her glass and tops herself off and, after a moment, Anders as well. ]

It was a point of pride, being allowed out. Because they trusted me. Because I was one of the best at what I did. LeBlancs are to be exceptional in all things- it helped me feel like less of a disappointment. If I could not be a proper noble, I could be an exemplary mage.

[ And look how well that worked out all the same? ]

I am not going to answer that.

[He looks at the cup with dead eyes. Exceptional skill he has. Behavior? With unjust rules and limitations, when all he'd wanted was to be free?]

Collusion isn't behavior. It's a form of survival. Like breaking people down into objects. And that's less work and less stress than caring. Than fighting. Than struggling against a system that has already determined your kind are of use only under control and broken in various ways.

[The second drink is gone as quickly as the first, but Justice isn't bubbling quite as fiercely as Anders thought he would be. Maybe it's because Anders is ranting about mage treatment. That's always been a favorite of Justice's.]

It's hiding, like you're doing now with not answering. What do you possibly gain by not telling me the truth of it? If there's nothing left, why bother hiding it? All pretense can be gone on your part. I'll stop teasing, lingering, seeking time, all of it. That should come as a relief.

[His voice is bitter, so very bitter.]

If there is something, what does it hurt to tell me? To let me know that there's still reason to hope and try to repair things? I can't shut my feelings off the way one would extinguish a candle, but I can damn well work on it if there's no point, and I've hoped far too many times when there's no bloody cause whatsoever for it.

Is it too much to ask for the matter to be cauterized for me if it's over for you? Unless it's not over in the other way, and you want there to be hurt, and I'm not simply an object, I'm a matter of revenge too.

I am not going to argue about the Circles with you.

[ She would not do it when they weren't cursed with honesty, she is not about to do this now. He has always believed his point of view to be true due to his experiences and she cannot argue against them.

She does not wish to.

Another drink, another pour to top them both off. ]

Yes, because telling you 'I do not know' will make either of our lives simpler. Because I do not know. There are moments when it is easy and moments when I become so frustrated with you that I can hardly think straight- moments when I forget and I become angry with myself for forgetting. I cannot answer because I do not know- and I do not understand why you are so adamant on knowing.

You have your friends and associates. What use do you have for me beyond this? [ She flicks her fingers at the papers around them. ] If it hurts so terribly. Why?

[She doesn't know. He doesn't know why that's such a huge relief, but it is. Or maybe he does. While there's little promise in it, there isn't the end of hope.]

It's not about use. I don't want to use you, I miss--

[He cuts himself off and stares into his refilled cup as if it has any help. It doesn't. Nothing ever does. He takes a slow breath and shakes his head.]

I came here under a false name, expecting to serve for however short a time I lasted, and then die. I'd forgotten what it was like to share company with someone, to talk with them, to care again, and I'm sorry. I wasn't prepared. I shouldn't have... It hurts so terribly because I found something more than simply surviving and lost it, knew I would lose it the moment I realized I had it.

But the plan went even more awry and I'm not dead. Instead I'm left wanting some portion of what we had back, and yes, it's selfish, but it means I'm still more human than I'd thought I was.

[ She remains silent for a long moment, nursing her cup of brandy. There was a time when he was Detlef and she might have leaned against his shoulder and listened.

But he is not Detlef and she has not quite forgiven him entirely. ]

I cannot answer. I will not answer until this has been solved. The man I came to care for- I cared before I knew him an abomination. When I thought he had the same control that I did. It was something we had in common. It is difficult to reconcile that with a man that loses himself whenever Justice feels as though he is right to step forward.

It is difficult to watch him wear you down and excuse it by saying he knows best.

That is not how a partnership with a spirit is to be, that is not how I was taught. You are to be equals in the arrangement for all that you are sharing a skin. IT is more vital that you act as equals because you share a body.

[He swirls the liquid around in his cup while he waits for anything, and then for a little while longer after she's spoken. That she's right about how they should have been doesn't make it any easier.]

That's how it was supposed to be. I don't know what went wrong. Maybe it was the attack just after we joined. Or maybe it was always going to go wrong and there was no equitable way to manage it. There's rumors that my teacher was possessed, and if that's true, then she handled it well, but I sincerely doubt Wynne had a spirit of Justice to deal with. And even if she did, there's no asking for advice.

[Every rumor has her as dead, and despite how he'd not gotten along with her, he doesn't want to ask Zevran or Alistair if they know if it's true.]

I wish we could find some sort of truce or balance. I'll not stop working on it, because there's no telling if any of the rituals will even work, but I don't have a great deal of faith in it.

Which is, I suppose, a great many words to say I can understand your reasons.

I heard those rumors as well, but there has never been much proof to them.

[ Leliana had alluded to knowing a possessed mage- someone taken by a spirit. It could be...

Adelaide sets the thought aside. It does not matter; however it was for her? It is not for Anders. However Anders and Justice find their balance? It is not her problem to solve.

Separating them, that is. ]

Until I know what is making them backfire, we are going to have to prepare for the same pattern to continue. Fade walking- having that turn back on us? Who knows what might happen.

Edited 2016-05-12 07:19 (UTC)

At least we've been in the Fade before, joined. ...Though the 'we' is a more or less statement. He was in control. I don't recall any of it. Merrill, Varric, Aveline, Isabela, they may be able to tell us more. I'd not trust anything Fenris says to be helpful, and Bethany was with the Wardens by then.

[Anders takes a sip of the drink.]

Justice is of the opinion that going in will be straightforward and entirely ineffective. Personally...

[He takes a breath.]

He doesn't feel like he can help fight injustice as effectively in the Fade. I think this is where the issues are stemming from. He's not entirely inclined to go back. It's not a comforting thought.

[It blurs more lines. He'd taken a willing host, certainly, hadn't forced his way in, but now that his host seeks a split Justice doesn't care. Justice wants to stay. Desires to stay, and he can feel the spark of blue-hot anger that thought inspires from the spirit. Things are coming to a head. Either they figure this out, or he does his best to make sure when everything goes awry and he becomes a true abomination, he's able to hurt the enemy and not allies.]

Well that fills me with confidence. [ Stuck walking about the fade with Justice driving. How wonderful. ] I would rather not be trapped with either of you in the fade, but if I must be trapped? I would take you over him.

[ No contest, in that. ]

Yes, because you've been free to fight injustice so well in the past decade and have accomplished so much.

[ Probably not the wisest thing- but as she sees it? Justice being with Anders has not helped either of them fulfill their purpose. Before she can say anything else that might be less than useful she finishes her glass of brandy- and tops herself off. ]

[He's snapped for less. Often. But at the end of the day it's not just that she's the one who has done the research and knows these rituals the best. She's also a key part of the reason he's able to heal in Skyhold and isn't constantly worried about Justice feeling inactive and useless. All the same, his eyes narrow.]

You, and everyone else, cannot have it both ways. I am treated both as if I singlehandedly started the war and got the circles broken, and as if I've done nothing of use at all. I freed more than you've any idea of from Kirkwall, long before I destroyed the Chantry. I've healed and saved more lives than this Templar and mage conflict has claimed. I brought Elthina to justice; I helped bring Ser [his voice makes the title a mockery] Alrik to justice. Sister Petrice, the former Arishok, the Mother, you've no idea what I've done. You choose to have no idea, because one thing overshadows it all. Because it's easy to ignore that there are shades of grey.

[He smiles, but there's nothing friendly about it.]

In that, you and Justice are alike. Black and white.

You did that, Anders. You would have done that with or without Justice. You would have continued to do that with or without Justice. When I say oh, you have done so much to end injustice in your time here- I am not speaking to you. I am speaking to the spirit riding you and using 'well I can do more here, in these bones' as an excuse to remain. You care. You do not always think to the larger picture because it is not possible for you to do so while the details are so terrible. That is what you see- and this is why you suited compassion so well. With or without justice- you would have fought, you would have helped, you would have healed.

[ As long as she'd known Detlef- as she'd known Anders? That much has become painfully apparent. It'd been charming before and logical afterward. ]

What you likely would not have done without Justice is blow up the Chantry. I do not think you capable of such a thing. If anything Justice has made it more difficult for you to fulfill his purpose and yours. [ Adelaide snorts, downing her brandy. ] How is that for irony?

Edited (html fail) 2016-05-15 03:09 (UTC)

[The mockery in his smile fades. He'd misunderstood her statement.]

But then the Rite of Annulment would have been used in Kirkwall, with no Conclave vote. Just as many would have died in the city and there would be... nothing. I don't like what I did, what we did. There are some days I--

[Anders stops. There's honesty, and then there's too much honesty; he's not going there. Especially not with someone who sees him as a thing.]

It's difficult to fulfill either of our goals. But it's far easier here than it was in Kirkwall, and he never would have departed Kirkwall of his own volition.

As I was not there? I cannot speak to the situation- but any moment when the only course is death on a large scale? Every side has failed.

[ She tops off her glass and gestures to Anders with the bottle. This is drinking talk. ]

It happened. Nothing can be done for it. But you would have found another way on your own- that is why I was so angry with you. To know you for who you are and think that you made that choice? You can do better. You have been. You will continue to do more when this is resolved. If I did not like you so much? I would not have been so angry- so disappointed.

[He eyes the bottle. He wants to have more, but Justice is there, lurking. After a moment, Anders shrugs and takes it in hand, refilling his cup and sipping. There is no reason for Justice to attack Skyhold, and so much reason to not cause issues. The spirit might decide to get into an argument, but right now they're all right. He's all right, because he may now have his answer about something remaining after all.

Anders exhales after.]

I would have tried. I likely would have failed, but I would have tried. Then again, were it not for Justice I'd be dead.

[He lifts a hand and touches the center of his chest.]

It's something I forget sometimes. If we'd not merged, Rolan would have ended me and then Justice would not only have killed them all, he would have been alone. The swath of destruction he could have caused... I don't want to say there was no way for things to go better from the moment Jonas vanished, but I can't see how.

[ She drinks. She drinks and sets her cup aside, grimacing at a twinge in her neck. A day of running her hands through her hair, of headaches and glaring at notes in dim light-

She unpins her bun with a mutter and unwinds her braid, massaging the nape of her own neck. ]

It is what it is. We cannot go back. All we can do is move forward and hope we do not get ourselves killed doing this. The next one- that is unlikely. But the final two- if Justice does not remember why we are doing this and work with us? There will be blood. And while I will bleed for you I will not bleed for him.

And I don't want anyone to bleed for me.

[Justice is steel certainty in his mind, and Anders is steadily losing the ability to figure out all of what that means. He takes another drink anyway.]

I'd rather I paid any price than someone else pay it for me. Which I don't think Nate or Bethany will understand. Nate's focused on what I've paid in the past, and Bethany's dangerously kind.

[And another drink.]

I can't even set something up in case to protect them from making mistakes that could cost them as I did when turning myself in. He was agreed on turning in; he's not on any sort of back-up plan here.

Too fucking late.

[ She mutters, tugging her hair over her shoulder and snorting at nothing in particular. Literally, no one has bled. But the payment is set all around. ]

And in that he feels as though you've done due diligence, and damn anyone else? Has he prevented you from doing something before?

You know what I mean. A price in blood. Singing and telling the truth are little things. Assuming we can say anything we wish tomorrow. This situation makes sarcasm exceedingly difficult. And as far as Nate... yes, ish, and no.

[Maybe he shouldn't be talking about this, but he's had more to drink tonight than he has in years.]

It's not 'damn anyone else,' but he knows what happened in Vigil's Keep, he saw me in Kirkwall, he's heard more of Kinloch Hold than anyone else... In short, he knows more about me than any other person alive. And I sabotaged his efforts. He wanted to plan a rescue attempt should I be sentenced to death. I assisted and set it up to fail. He never would have forgiven me, but I never would have forgiven myself if I got away and he suffered for it.

...

[ After a long moment of simply...staring. She reaches over to curl her fingers around the bottle of brandy and take it back. ]

Self-righteous martyrs don't get brandy.

[He watches her take it back and raises an eyebrow.]

I should have let him risk losing everything for someone who did murder dozens of people? You even wanted me dead. You can't say I should have actually helped him and mean it.

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