faderift | OPEN: To see a perfect forest through so many splintered trees

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OPEN: To see a perfect forest through so many splintered trees

WHO: Nathaniel Howe and visitors
WHAT: Nathaniel's rocky convalescence in the weeks after the defeat of Vengeance.
WHEN: Justinian 19-Solace 17
WHERE: Skyhold healing tents + Camp Shady
NOTES: Illness/fever, blunt trauma to the chest, close brush with death. Options inside.

Shallow Breaths - Justinian 20-28

Nathaniel is in and out of consciousness for the first few days. There are many breaks in his sternum and ribs, and some sort of bruise on his lungs. Something of that sort. The point, to him, is that he can hardly breathe. The healers have him sleeping on the wounded part of his chest every night, and despite the pain, it does seem to help him breathe without fighting against gravity. Abrasions and burns are healed quickly, but the bones are taking time to mend even with magic, and the cartilage is damaged for good. His face is white, his lips bloodless, his eyes dazed when you come to visit. Speaking is laborious, but he will try.

Peak - Justinian 29-30

For a time, Nathaniel seems to be getting better. The pain is lessened, and he is conscious more often. He is also hungry, eating everything offered to him and practically licking the plates clean. It's less difficult to breathe, though deep breaths are all but impossible. For all appearances though, the worst is behind him.

Fever - Solace 1-5

Weak lungs develop pneumonia even as the bones are on the mend. The coughing is weak, but the wet sound of it is unmistakable. Three days in, Nathaniel suffers delirium, muttering inanely and sometimes writhing in pain. It's impossible to sleep long in this state, though he never seems awake. His face is grey, and at his worst, he is too weak even to speak or move, but watches the world through half-lidded eyes, helpless but to see the things that his mind creates.

The next day, he is lucid again, though still feverish and desperately weak. That night, he falls asleep and doesn't wake until morning. His fever breaks the next day.

Awakening - Solace 6-12

Breathing is labored still, but there is a light in his eyes now. He can take visitors and have a conversation, but not for too long. He still can't leave the cot, but he slowly starts to sit up a little more, and his appetite is coming back quickly. Sleeping through the night now speeds his recovery.

Recovery - Solace 13-16

These days Nathaniel is taking slow, short walks, each day with more exercise and less support than the last. He has trouble with shortness of breath, and pain in the tendons of his ribs when he moves too much, but he is determined to get out of here. Color is returning to his face. His feet and hands are swollen from so little exercise early on, but the swelling goes down as his circulation improves. When he is not exercising, he is permitted to sit outside on a nice day, drinking in the sun and breathing the clear air.

Home - Solace 17

Today, Nathaniel is sufficiently recovered that he may spend the remainder of his convalescence in his own bed in the Warden camp. He requires help getting down there, but once he's there, there's a triumphant smile on his drawn face. Lady, his miniature mabari, yaps excitedly and kisses his face when he lies down in his own bed. And snuggles hard against him, and growls at anyone who disturbs him when he sleeps.

But now Nathaniel is well enough to be restless. Late at night, he wakes and steps outside, wrapped in blankets and watching the stars.

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A low, raspy chuckle. So much pain and worry flies away with it as the laugh vanishes into the ether.

"All right, then. Just don't let Alistair find out. Or Kaisa. Best not tell Herc, either."

The smile leaves his lips and he looks down as he turns his attention to Nate's right arm, kneading the muscles and using heat to ease some of the knots there.

"Herc stayed, love. He heard the Calling in truth, and told no one until we went to leave the Deep Roads." Anders' voice is heavy. "He told me to give you his best before we left."

By now, he's dead.

All mirth leaves him. He feels strange, suddenly cold, deeply somber. Even the heat from Anders' hands isn't enough to stop him from shuddering.

Nathaniel has had friends experience the Calling in truth. He has said goodbye to them. Some of them vanished like this, saying only private farewells to their closest friends, but it never really gets easier. Especially when each time it happens, it reminds him that he will also succumb one day. In his earlier years, he hadn't thought it so bad--it had been further away at the time, and he had had less to live for. Now, he has reasons to want every day he can possibly have. Herc was a good friend, now vanished into thin air. Once the best leader the Wardens had in Skyhold, now merely the most recent in a series of peals from death's toll bell.

"He came to say goodbye." His eyes close and he shivers. "I almost didn't outlive him. I thought...if I was going to die, at least he would make sure you were safe. Old...old dog, I'd almost forgotten he was mortal."

He pauses the bathing and leans close, resting his temple to Nate's, careful to not put weight on the man. Nate almost didn't outlive him. Nate had almost lost his life, and Anders had almost lost him. Herc is a blow that will not be easily carried. But it's not as devastating as losing Nate would have been.

"If you hadn't outlived him..." There are so many people he owes. He couldn't have stayed alongside Herc, couldn't have lied about hearing the calling as well, but how he would have wanted to. "I can't lose you. He was a good man, but I don't need someone to make sure I'm safe. I need you."

Nathaniel turns his head to touch his forehead to Anders' temple.

"I stayed. I'm staying." A pause. His strength is waning further. "I don't remember one of the days I was sick. I remember knowing I was very ill. But I couldn't...I wasn't going to go just when my life had become so wonderful. I didn't know if fighting for it would be enough. But I know I did. So perhaps it was. Fighting to stay with you..."

His eyes drift closed.

"Please go back to touching me," he breathes. "It makes me feel like I'm alive again."

Anders kisses one of Nate's eyelids before returning to what he'd been doing, working his way down Nate's right arm, taking his time with the muscles he so appreciates.

"There are... There are times I've wanted to stop, and give up. It's never been a choice. Or rather, it's never been up to me in those moments whether or not to keep going. I didn't have reason to before, but now... Now I've reason. I don't simply want to die or not want to die. I want to live. With you."

He's to Nate's forearm now, bathing, touching, kissing.

"It means my bear. Going off your symbol, and the way you protect me."

"You protect me, too." His grief for Herc is still a weight--Maker, how he will miss that man--but Anders' presence is a balm. So many difficult, agonizing days have paid off now. They have both lived through two terrible, back-to-back trials. "You were there. I suppose it must have been on the sending crystal, but I remember you made me promise to hang on."

"And you hung on."

Nate's hand is cradled to Anders' cheek once it's washed, pressed there.

"I only left because you seemed to be doing better. I should have stayed. I've more field experience than most of the healers here, more experience making do, improvising..."

Nate made it. Anders needs to remember that, but he'd been so afraid and so far away.

"I needed you to stay and you did, even though I wasn't there." One day he'll do the right thing, somehow. Probably by accident, seeing as how every time he tries to do right it goes wrong. How is he ever going to be worthy of Nate? Or live up to the faith Herc placed in him? They've both called him a good man, but as he presses a kiss to the back of Nate's hand and moves to the man's other shoulder and arm, Anders doesn't feel it.

"Timothy said it was the steam. You told him to use steam, and it saved my life. I think I remember that. It was sweltering hot in the tent, but I could breathe."

His thumb strokes Anders' face before it is set aside.

"Ask him and he'll tell you."

He'd still been able to help. Anders breathes a little sigh of relief before pressing a kiss to Nate's collarbone.

"I'll take your word for it, love. I'm glad that it helped." Another kiss to Nate's chest, a little lower down, as he finishes cleaning the man's arm. "Did you need more steam? I could get it steamy in here. ...And in a platonic way."

"That would be nice." Nathaniel understands what he means. The steam does help loosen things up.

"A moment, then." He gets up, trailing fingers down Nate's arm before finding another basin and getting that starting to steam away. "There we go. Let me know if you'd like more or less, though give it a few minutes to spread."

"And I'm going to massage your chest now. Also let me know if it's not helping?" Chest infections are tricky things, after all. "Or I could skip and go... lower."

"My legs," Nathaniel mutters. "They cramp and swell all the time. You needn't touch my chest but to wash it."

There's a flicker of a nervous smile on his face when the teasing is skipped over entirely. It's not like they can act on anything, but he isn't sure if Nate's missed it due to feeling poorly, or he's avoiding thinking about anything innuendo laden.

Anders gently cleans Nate's chest before pressing a kiss just over Nate's heart and skipping down to Nate's calves - they seem the most likely culprit.

"You could try lifting them with Lady or Purrelden on them, nice and slow so as to not get your heartrate up, but giving them something to do while you're still resting. I know idleness is boring. And Lady might like it. Purrelden... might dig claws in and be terrified."

Nathaniel has to not think about how long it's going to be before he can have sex again. If Anders keeps up teasing, it could drive him mad. Also, his legs hurt. His hand touches the golden silk of that hair in that brief moment where Anders kisses his chest. He missed touching that hair.

"Lady wouldn't mind so much, especially once I explained. Mabari are incredibly intelligent, you know. But I wouldn't torment poor Purrelden. She is good for relaxing. Perhaps it sounds mad, but I could swear everything hurts less when she's against me and she purrs."

"Yes, mabari know exactly what they're doing when they drool on you."

He gives Nate a smile as his hair is played with. That's something he's been without for too long.

"And it's not mad. Cats help with healing. That's part of the reason I left her. The other is because she's not ready for the Deep Roads yet. Ser Pounce was older and less... flighty." She's only just conquered her fear of crickets, after all. "When I wake to something larger deposited in my boots, a rat or a bird, I'll reconsider."

And if she's never ready he's not quite sure what he'll do.

"She has kept me quite safe." Anders' fingers hit a knot in one calf, and Nathaniel moans softly. "Maker, love. I didn't know how much that one troubled me till now."

When everything is muddled in a haze of pain, it's hard to tell exactly what hurts besides everything.

He kisses the place once it's fully worked out.

"I've neglected you terribly." It's another pattern he needs to break - doing something and then leaving the aftermath behind. This time he thought he had a good reason, but had he truly been needed? Nate deserved better whether they'd needed Anders in the Deep Roads or not. He'll do better by Nate.

Nate's feet get washed next, and Anders kisses each of his big toes playfully. "How much rest have you gotten today? Do you think you could sit upright after this so I can clean your hair as well, or would you like to lie down for a time?"

"Please wash my hair," mutters Nathaniel. "It's heavy and greasy. I haven't gone so long without a proper bath in..." Well. "Since Bethany and I were on the run, but it feels worse now than it did then. I've done nothing but rest."

"Mm. I've been there." Though he hadn't been able to really pay attention to himself then. He'd... definitely been driven by other concerns. A lot of that time feels strange, distant, like viewed through a fogged window, and as time goes by he's realizing there are more gaps in his memory than he'd thought. Maybe it's due to Justice being forced out. He's not sure.

Anders is quiet for a few moments, cleaning and working on Nate's thighs.

"Do you... Do you miss him at all? Justice, I mean, not Herc."

A moment of hesitation is probably all Anders needs to answer the question.

"Are you asking because you miss him?"

That's a no, then. He can't really expect better. Justice had hated Nate; who misses someone who hates you?

"Not... Not in my head. But he saved our lives, Nate. And mine multiple times. I wouldn't... I wouldn't have this if not for him. I'd be dead, betrayed by the Wardens. He did, he didn't do well, but he was never meant for this side of the Veil." It's not all Justice's fault, he feels.

"You saved his life, too," Nathaniel says immediately. "You gave him every chance he had. And he took advantage of it. He hurt you. He starved you. A life debt isn't bottomless, Anders."

He's quiet for several moments, bathing Nate's groin and stomach; at least with this conversation going on there's no chance of cruelly working the man up.

"Roll over?" is what comes out next, quiet, subdued, before he resumes the discussion. "I don't think he really knew better, or understood. Kristoff's corpse didn't need to eat. He'd a duty, a nature to be true to, and neither of us were ready for that. And now you're hurt, so many are hurt, and he's dead."

"He was gone a long time ago, Anders." It takes some effort for Nathaniel to flip on the narrow cot, bruised as he still is, but he manages with a grunt as he sinks back down. "He spoke of vengeance before he ever possessed you. When we spoke, when I told him why it might be acceptable for him to possess someone willing, I said that if he gave instead of taking, I would consider him no demon. And what did he do besides take without giving, at the end?"

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