faderift | [CLOSED] Crush Story

"Oh. That." She shrugs. "Don't worry about it too much. No elf would their salt would let a shem like him join any vhenadahl-painting ceremonies. He'd be laughed or forced out the moment he showed up. I was more confused that he honestly thought he would be welcome."

She smiles shyly at him.
"Did you bring me something? Jamie, that's so sweet, thank you."

"You mean you really..."

Half-distracted as he is by the conversation, he makes to hand the bag to Kallian, and if she happens to look inside, she'll see the makings of a simple picnic - bread, cheese, fruit, and a couple of stoppered bottles of something to drink. But any real explanation of the bag's contents isn't immediately forthcoming, as he winds up shaking his head in a quick, vehement denial.

"Look, that's not what he wanted to do at all. Well, alright, so maybe he did want to paint the trees, but that's not what he wanted to do with you.<\i>"

She squirms a little. "I don't think he would have been upon doing more than hearing my voice. You heard the way he talked about elves. Me being one myself and a mage... Well. I can promise you that someone like him is not at all interested in someone like me."

She glances inside the bag.
"Anyway, forget about him. Why don't you tell me more about this? Seems like a lot for just me."

"I'm not so sure about that," he mutters, mostly to himself. He'd seen enough men out there who'd be perfectly willing to take advantage of a lassie, especially if they thought they were superior to them in some way. Given the way Zapp had come across to him on the crystals, he wouldn't be at all surprised if he'd be willing to use elves for whatever reason and still think he was the better man.

But it's fairly clear that Kallian doesn't want to talk about it, given how she changes the subject, and he reluctantly goes along with her, turning his attention back to the bag - and then, a few seconds later, winds up almost sheepishly scratching at a spot just behind his ear.

"Aye, well, I wasn't thinking of it being just for you. More...for the two of us. That is, if you'd want to go on a picnic with me."

She blinks and then smiles shyly.
"That... that sounds nice. Where did you want to go for it?"

Kallian moves to his side.
"Any special reason for this? I didn't miss a special occasion, did I?"

"Outside."

That wasn't particularly helpful, but there's a flicker of humor in a tiny smile that plays around his mouth, a sign that he's being a tiny bit obtuse just for fun. But he is serious about being outside, and his expression switches back to something more serious a few seconds later.

"Now, I'd not say it's a special occasion. I just thought spending a wee bit of time outdoors would be nice, even if it's a bit later than I'd thought." Late enough, in fact, that it was likely dark by now, and he chewed on his lower lip, considering. "Come to think about it, do you know where there might be a good place to sit that's a bit out of the way around here? Somewhere where there's a good view, maybe."

"Jamie!" Kallian tries to sound chiding, but she's laughing too much to properly scold him.

She taps her lips thoughtfully.
"All right. Outside..." She bites her lip. "Actually, I think I know of a spot. This way!"

Kallian reaches for his hand.
"The estate grounds are so crowded with everyone camping there, I went up on the hill behind the grounds and found a quiet place that overlooks a garden."

She leads him over to it.
"But be careful--some of the footing can be tricky, especially in low light--!" A gasp and tiny squeal escape her as her foot slips on the hill. "...like that. Um. Sorry."

That laughter makes him smile again, something that lingers as she leads him over towards the hill. Without thinking much about it, his fingers wrap around hers, a part of him very much enjoying the feeling of her hand in hers. He could stay like this for ages, and be quite happy in doing so. But then her foot slips, and instinct takes over, his other arm quickly moving to help stabilize her and keep her from falling. The fact he doesn't immediately move away afterwards could easily be explained by the desire to make sure she's okay - something he does, in fact, seem to be worrying about, if the expression on his face is anything to go by.

"Hey, careful there. Are you alright?"

"I... I think so..." She brushes off her skirt and takes a quick inventory. "Just a slip of my foot. My shoes aren't very good for climbing, I guess. But no scrapes or bruises or wrenched anything," she assures him, "And even if so, nothing I can't fix." A faint blue glow flickers along her veins as a momentary reminder.

"Um, thank you, though..." It's only now that she starts pulling back just a little bit, still grateful for the stability he's offering her. "For catching me, and for thinking of me for this picnic..."

She glances away bashfully, and finds the spot, which is a nice secluded little nook under a tree, fenced in by bushes on two sides and overlooking a carefully manicured garden.

"Is this OK, you think?"

"Och, the important thing is that you're alright."

The garden isn't really to his taste. He's always liked them a bit wilder, looking more the way nature'd meant them to be and less like something that's been sculpted and pruned into an inch of its life. The nook is much nicer, though, a little place where they can pretend like they're not surrounded by all the people camping on the estate grounds - and, as he looks up into the darkening sky, a place where they should be able to see the stars when they come out. It's been a long time since he's sat and watched the stars with someone, and the thought of doing that with Kallian is very appealing right now.

"You're welcome, though. And this'll be grand, just...hold on a moment."

Now that he's sure she's not about to slip again, he lets go - a little reluctantly, but it's a necessary thing, given he has to reach up with both hands to undo the plaidweave cloak that's around his neck. Once it's loosened, he takes the few steps needed to take him into the nook before setting it down on the ground right underneath the tree and giving a small nod of satisfaction.

"There. That'll help, I think. Want me to take the bag back while you get settled?"

"Oh, um, thank you."

She hands him back the bag of food, slightly jostled from her earlier slip. Carefully, almost delicately, she arranges her skirts to sit on the cloak. Her tutelage under Vivienne is coming along nicely, her manners a bit more polished here in Orlais.

Kallian looks at Jamie anxiously.
"You won't be too cold, will you, if we're sitting on your cloak? I mean, this is a nice spot, but not a very good one for having a fire..."

"I'm a highlander, remember? We can handle a wee bit of cold."

It's not as though they're up in the highest parts of the Frostbacks, after all, and the hedges should help to block the wind. Even if they hadn't been there, though, he'd be more than willing to be a bit chilly if it meant getting to spend time with her.

As she settles in on the cloak, he can't quite help but watch, a hint of admiration in his eyes. Before he thinks she notices, however, he goes to settle down himself, carefully adjusting his kilt on the way down, much in the same way she's just arranged her skirts - only less delicately and more matter-of-factly. It's the same way he always adjusts the kilt when he sits, though, and he doesn't think any more of it as he turns his attention to the bag, pulling out the bottles first and checking the stoppers to make sure they're still intact. They are, and he offers her one before setting his aside and starting to pull out the other food.

"Although I'll admit a wee bit of melted cheese on the bread'd not be bad, I think you're right. Starting a fire here'd not be a good idea. Been awhile since I'd a chance to watch the stars, though. Hope you don't mind that part of things."

"Well, if you do get cold, say something. Please. I don't want anything happening to you on my account."

She offers him a little smile as he gets the food out and offers it to her.

"Oh, if that's what we're doing, then no, I don't think we'd want a fire. It would just make it that much harder to see the stars." She shyly tucks locks of hair behind her ears. "Not... that I've ever done that. Watched stars. There aren't really good places to do that in Denerim. At least, not where elves are allowed to go."

While he supposed he could continue to argue that no, really, he'd be fine when it came to the cold, it's hard to resist that smile - and after a brief moment where it looks as though he's going to open his mouth to continue to protest, he shuts it again and winds up nodding instead. A smile of own appears a few moments later as he sets the last of the food down, picking up an apple as he leans back.

"Aye, well, then we'll just have to change that, won't we?"

It's hard to see the stars in a city, and given what he's learned about alienages, he can only imagine how much harder it would've been for them to even get a glimpse of the sky, let alone a quiet place to look up at the stars. They're starting to come out now, though, and he leans over to nudge her shoulder so she can look up at them for herself.

"It's easier out where there's not so many lights, anyway. There's cities I've been where you almost can't see them at all because of that. Here's easier. Look, there's some now, in one of those constallation-things. Not sure what name they'd give that one here, though."

She looks up when he nudges her.
"Oh, that one I do know," she says, gesturing toward a rather blocky grouping of stars. "That one is Eluvia. Some call it Sacrifice. My mother used to tell me the story when I was little. About a young maiden who was pursued by a lustful mage, and she cried out to her father for help, so he sent her into the sky, where she remains to this day. The mage was so angry at being denied her that he killed the girl's father in vengeance. That story's an old one, though, dating all the way back to the Glory Age, some 700 years ago. There are even older stories about it being tied to Razikale, but I don't know them very well, beyond the belief that if you wish upon Razikale's stars, your wish is supposed to come true."

She nibbles at her bread and cheese.
"Of course, it's just children's superstition, like wishing on dandelion seeds or when the clock strikes a certain hour. Things like that. Definitely not something the Chantry would support, at least, not outside of Tevinter."

It's similar to the stories he's heard about some of the constellations back home, but different at the same time, and Jamie listens with interest as Kallian explains, the only sounds from him quiet munching sounds as he chews thoughtfully on his apple. After a few moments, however, he nods - and then swallows so he's not talking at her with a mouthful of food.

"We've superstitions like that as well back home, although I'm no so sure what the Church thinks about them. But even if they don't care for it, it'd likely not stop people from making the wishes anyway. It's not like it harms anyone to do that, you know." His eyes flick up to the stars, then back down to Kallian, that same thoughtful expression back on his face. "So have you ever wished on the stars, then? Or do you think it's not worth it because the Chantry doesn't support it?"

"I haven't, no, but... it has nothing to do with the Chantry. For one, I think the Chantry's only objection is that it calls on one of the Tevinter Old Gods. If we were wishing on... I don't know, Andraste's eyelashes or something, I don't think they'd object. And for another, blame the Dalish in me if you like, but, I've never really been a very good Andrastian. Even less so since I came into my magic."

She blushes.
"It's more because... I never thought anyone who heard would think my wishes worth granting."

A tiny, amused sounding snort can be heard on his end right around the time she says 'Andraste's eyelashes'.

"What, you mean someone's not actually calling on that for some reason or another? I think I've heard almost every other body part used by someone who believes in Andraste over these past few months."

While he wouldn't say as he's any sort of expert on Thedas, even after being here for the better part of a year, that particular part of things has been hard to miss. He thinks he can somewhat see her point, though. She's very different from a lot of the people who call themselves Andrastians, something that's part of what he finds intriguing about her - and something that winds up adding to his curiosity as he shifts slightly closer so he can reach over to get a piece of cheese. Instead of moving back after, he turns slightly, the better to face her as his head cants to one side.

"Well, so what sorts of wishes would you have, then? I'm no so sure that they'd be any less worth granting than anyone else's, mind...but I'll also not say as I know what you'd want."

"Well, if they have, they haven't done it around me."

She almost laughs, the start of a smile tugging at her lips. But then he asks about her wishes, and she draws into herself more.

"Oh. I... I think maybe that came out wrong..." she stammers.

"It's... I don't know. It's not the wishes themselves so much, really, it's... more... me. People don't pay me much in the way of attention, let alone stars. The world isn't going to change because I wish for it. The class struggles between the races aren't going to end just because I ask them to. Being a free mage won't stop making people see me as dangerous just because I want it to be that way. I will still be considered a child among other elves when my next birthday comes, no matter how much I might wish for more than two options for rites of passage."

"Aye, well, maybe so."

Those were big enough wishes that they'd take some doing, he had to admit - but there wasn't anything wrong with the wishing itself, and his fingers curl in on her arm ever so slightly in a gesture meant to give her a bit of comfort.

"Think you're wrong about everyone seeing you as being dangerous, though. We're here, aren't we? And I don't see you as being dangerous. Powerful, aye, but not someone who I'd be afraid of just because they can do a wee bit of magic. And I think that means I like to pay attention to you as well. At least...I hope that's the case. Even if I can't help you so much when it comes to class struggles or rites of passage. But I like being around you, Kallian. Would you not say that counts for something?"

"I... It does, Jamie. And I do thank you..."

She sighs and draws her knees up to her chin.
"It doesn't have to be everyone. It just has to be the wrong someone. Did you know the Chantry considers the sword to be a symbol of mercy? Whether the Inquisition approves or not, it's still legal to kill a mage just for being a mage, and many Andrastians would see nothing wrong with that. Some would even consider it a good thing. And as for the elves... This place, Halamshiral, has a long history of demonstrating over and over again what elves deserve for daring to be people in the presence of humans."

Kallian shakes her head.
"I have been trying for so long to be invisible, to disappear, so that no one sees me at all and so can't see me as dangerous or unwanted. Just trying to survive. Elves who are noticed are elves who get hurt. It's terrifying to be seen. It's hard to trust. Especially when you don't belong anywhere and can't consider anywhere safe."

"And all the wishing in the world won't help there, I'm guessing."

His voice is quiet, but the expression on his face betrays what he thinks of the situation. It isn't right that anyone has to live like that, constantly afraid that they'd say or do something that'd get the wrong person's attention, and despite knowing on some level that wishing won't help, a part of him still wishes all the same that there can be some way to stop those sorts of things from happening. But he's only one man - and a rifter at that - so all he can do is try and let her see there's still some hope to be had.

"Are you really so sure you don't belong anywhere, though? You're just as much a part of the Inquisition as any of the rest of us. Now, I'll grant as it'll not be easy, but do you really want to be a...a ghost of sorts? Is there not something more that you want for yourself? A home? Family?"

"I can blend in when I need to, but fitting in... that one I've never been good at. I'm half-Dalish, half-Orlesian. Neither of those are particularly welcome in a Fereldan alienage. In a place like Halamshiral, well, it's Orlesian now but it once was the capital of the Dales... but Orlesians aren't all that welcoming to someone born and raised in Ferelden. And to the real Dalish, I'm still a flat-ear, trying not to make waves among humans, and to the humans, I'm a knife-ear. I make Circle mages wary because I'm an apostate. Even among apostates, being a spirit healer is something to be... cautious of. And I frustrate the spirit healers because I don't use my magic unless I have no other choice."

She tucks dark hair behind her ears.
"I gave up on the idea of home the day I left the alienage for Skyhold. I can't go back to living in one. I just-- no, just, not an option anymore. And even if I could afford to live outside of one... That rarely ends well for elves. Most who try end up with their houses burned down. And family... My father doesn't know I exist, and no amount of wishing will bring my mother back from Tevinter."

There's a little bit of a sad smile.
"I have gotten one offer. Vati--Anders, I guess everyone else calls him--he's as close to a father as I've ever known and he said I could stay with him for as long as we have each other. That... puts me among the Wardens. As great an honor as that is... I'm still not one of them. I'm not allowed to stay in the building down there. Plus, he has Nate, and... I don't think Nate will ever see me as part of his family, however Anders feels about me. And there are others too, but... They all have their own lives to lead. I just want them to be happy, and I feel like I'd just be in the way."

She shrugs her narrow shoulders, blushing faintly.
"There are worse things to be than a ghost of sorts. And... sorry. You probably didn't really want to hear all that."

"Look, I spent three years traveling in a ship that never wound up going where it was supposed to, spending my time meeting strangers and fighting monsters...but I did it with my friends. The TARDIS might not have been my home to start with, but over time, it became one, and Ben and Polly and Victoria and Zoe and the Doctor became my family."

His best friends, ones he'd never dreamed of having but ones that he'd gotten all the same, and he knows he's a better man for having met them. The thought that she feels like she'd be in the way around her friends bothers him, and he reaches to try and take one of her hands, if she lets him.

"Home's where you make it, Kallian. Aye, maybe you'd not be able to stay in the building itself, but if you became an official healer for the Wardens or something, I daresay they'd come up with something nearby you can use. And I know we've talked about this before and you've resisted the idea, but you can make your own home there, or somewhere here. And you can choose your own family, even if you can't be with the ones you started out with. You can have friends, or...more than that, even.

The last part tumbles out before he realizes it, causing him to look ever so slightly pained for a second or so. There's times where he tends to talk first and think about what he's actually said after. It seems now is one of those times - and maybe that's why he winds up stammering a tiny bit as a result.

"I-if you want that sort of thing, that is."

She doesn't offer any resistance when he reaches for her hand, letting him take it. As he talks, her shoulders hunch squirmily and there are subtle twitchings of her ears and nervous biting of her lips, all signs of her discomfort with the ideas. But all movement ceases at his last words and she looks at him blankly.

"...what do you mean, Jamie?"

"Och. It's just..."

She still doesn't care much for the idea of trying to have her own place, he's guessing, not if her body language is anything to go by, but there's something about the way she stops and looks at him when he gets to the last part that makes wonder if he's not been as obvious as he thought he might have been earlier. Without consciously thinking about it, he lets go, bringing his hand up to scratch at his eyebrow instead.

"You do know if you wanted something more with someone, you could have that, too. Something, erm, romantic. If you wanted."

She goes quiet for a while.

"Romance only exists in stories and songs for city elves," she says softly at last, "I'm... guessing no one told you how my people come of age. The Dalish have their vallaslin, of course, but in the cities... We become adults on the day we get married. There's no courtship. No romance. Most of the time, the bride and groom don't even meet until the day of the ceremony. Everything is arranged by the elders and parents, and matches are based on what you can afford, not on trying to find someone the prospective bride or groom might actually like. All they care about is pairing people off in the hopes of producing lots of elven babies, since we're a dying race and all. Of course, if you have money, that gives you a better chance of getting someone close in age, healthy, nice-looking, but if you don't..."

She shakes her head.
"My mother was taken when I was too young, and my mentor was... quite clever at blocking the elders' attempts to match me. But when she died and I had nothing left... I knew it was only a short matter of time before I'd be handed off to some stranger, probably twice my age and I'd be lucky if he had more days sober than drunk, and luckier still if he just made things quick and merciful and over with. Someone who would eventually find out what I am, and who may nor may not betray me over it. So, I took what I could and I fled for Skyhold. And that's why I can't go back to living in an alienage, because that's what's waiting for me."
"

She's right there. Nobody has explained that part of city elf culture, and the expression on his face makes that obvious even before he winds up shaking his head to confirm what's been said. Arranged marriages aren't a new concept to him, however, and as he listens a look of understanding dawns on his face. No wonder she'd said that she'd never be considered to be an adult by her people. If the only way to do that is to get married and her choices are as limited as they are...well, never going back means that she'll never wind up coming of age. Not in the way that matters to her people.

Even so, something about what she says worries at the back of his mind. He can understand her reasons for not wanting to stay - or not going back, for that matter. But if she's not going back and not doing what's expected of her, wouldn't that open up other possibilities? He's quiet for a short while himself, mulling over her words as he not-quite-chews on his lower lip. Eventually, though, he looks back over at her with faintly knit brows, a part of him still not completely understanding why she doesn't think there's no other options.

"Alright, I think I can see why you left, but what I don't get is why you think that romance only exists in songs and stories now. If you're not going back to an alienage and you're not going to do what's traditionally expected of you, what's stopping you from finding someone to be with? It's not like people around here don't find someone all the time, you know."

"I'm still an elf and I'm still an apostate. It's... not a good combination overall. Officially speaking, elves are only supposed to be with other elves, the vast majority of which are in alienages, and outside of Tevinter and a few exceptions among the Dalish, mages aren't supposed to be with anyone. The Chantry isn't too keen on us breeding, as they put it, and elves can only have elven children with our own kind. Otherwise, the baby is the same race as the nonelven parent. Being a mage isn't going to win me any points with a possible match there. Obviously, it does happen sometimes, for both mages and elves, but it's still considered taboo on a lot of levels."

She shrugs again.
"I don't know. I guess... all things considered... When I was a kid, it seemed pointless, knowing I wouldn't get any choice in my husband. And then when I became a mage... it was always too dangerous. It's never felt like an option, so I've never let it be an option. Not even a consideration. Don't talk about it, don't think about it, don't go looking. And thereby help keep myself safe."

Somehow he's not all that surprised. There's entirely too many things here that seem daft and arbitrary, and pretty much everything he's learned about way mages and elves are treated here fall into that category. His mouth tugs off to one side while she explains, but when she shrugs, something in his face shifts, making his expression hard to read for a few moments before he finally goes to answer.

"What if..."

He breaks off for a moment, tongue darting out to moisten his lips briefly. It's a nervous gesture, not entirely outside of his control, but it gives him a few seconds to collect himself before he goes to say what he wants to say. He's not one for saying a lot when it comes to his feelings - certain ones, anyway. If someone came along right now and hit him on the head, he could complain about that without giving it a second thought. But when it comes to things like courting...well, that's a whole other story, and there's a part of him that's very tempted to turn the subject to other things.

If he doesn't say what he's thinking now, however, chances are he never will, and they'll just keep going the way they are forever. That wouldn't be the worst thing, but he also knows if he doesn't at least try, he'll regret it, much like he regretted the way things went with other people. After what seems like a small eternity (that in reality is only a few seconds), he takes a breath and tries again.

"What if you didn't need to go looking? What if there was somewhere here who was already interested, and didn't care much if something's taboo or not?"

She again goes very still, hardly daring to breathe, and her voice is soft when she speaks.
"What, exactly, are you saying, Jamie?"

"I-"

Words aren't working. They've never really done so, for him, except when it's a case where he's trying to convince someone to keep fighting. That he can manage well enough, but this...this is different, and try as he might, he can't find exactly what he wants to say to her.

So he decides to show her, instead, twisting so that he can face her properly - and before he can overthink the gesture, he leans in just enough to close the gap between them and kiss her. It's not meant to be intrusive, his lips barely brushing against hers - and he doesn't try to go for an embrace, giving her plenty of room to pull back if she wants to. But there's a definite intent behind the action, one that hopefully is clear enough even without his coming out and saying anything else, at least for the moment.

She doesn't resist him, but she does freeze up, she's startled enough. She'd have gone perfectly still if not for the fact she starts trembling.

"Jamie..." His name is a whisper on her lips, shaky and uncertain.

"Are... are you... sure? About... this? I mean... You know that this is... probably not a good idea... You know why..."

There's a second or so where he almost thinks that maybe she'll kiss back - that even despite what she's said that the kiss'll change things. That she'll be willing to take a chance, however small, and give him some sort of sign that what he's doing isn't completely daft. But when all she does is freeze up and then start to tremble, he pulls away, a troubled expression on his face. It's replaced fairly quickly by his protest, though, shifting to slightly more affronted as his lips press together briefly.

"I'd not have kissed you if I didn't like you like that, you know."

But then the look on his face changes again, back to something closer to that original troubled expression again. She doesn't sound certain about any of it at all, and he wonders if maybe he'd made a mistake.

"Only now I'm not so sure that I've not gone and done the wrong thing here. Not if you're freezing up like that. I'll not hurt you, you know."

Edited (One of those days) 2016-09-04 04:23 (UTC)

Oh, no... The look on his face... It hurts Kallian to see him looking like that. She bites the inside of her lip and shakes her head.

"No, Jamie... Please don't misunderstand..."

She falters momentarily. How to explain this...?

"There are so many reasons why we shouldn't do this. You're human, I'm an elf. I'm a mage, you're a rifter... One of the most despised men in Thedas considers me his daughter. The Inquisition won't last forever, and outside of it, there will be people, lots of them, who will not accept it. Elves won't. The Chantry won't. If this goes to its logical conclusion, we would never be permitted to marry, and children would be elf-blooded bastards. It will be difficult, maybe even dangerous, and I don't know what kind of a future we would be able to have. People may try to separate us, or shun us... And if the mystery of the rifts is understood or even solved and you are able to return to your world... what would that mean for us?"

She takes a breath, ragged at the edges.
"Jamie. You deserve to know exactly what you could be getting into. How risky it is. Tell me honestly, despite all of that, do you still believe this is what you want, that it's the right thing to do? I admit, I'm scared. Terrified, even. Because..."

Her throat is getting tight. It kind of stings a little.
"...because I can't have you getting hurt because of me. I couldn't bear to have someone else I care about suffering because of what I am. I... I lost my mother because of my magic. It was the day I got it. I didn't know what was happening, let alone how to control it. It started a fire, and when people came to help, they found my sick mother and... took her away... It was an accident, but still my fault. Your life is so much more important to me than mine. I can't lose you too. Not like that."

His lips press together again at that, something just a touch hurt coming into his eyes at the same time. Maybe she doesn't want him to be hurt, but it stings all the same that she's assuming he hasn't actually considered the things she's been saying.

"Don't you think I've not thought of that? I've fought in wars before, you know. They don't last forever, even if it seems like they will at the time. Things'll change at some point."

The Inquisition'll have to change with them, but there's no way of knowing what'll it wind up being once everything is said and done. Maybe she's right - but maybe she's not, either, and he winds up shaking his head.

"You know as well as I do I'm already friends with that same man who's not well liked around here, not to mention I'm a rifter. I'm not daft. I know what people think about that. Now, I don't know what'll happen with the mark. Maybe it's true they'll figure out some way to send us home someday. But maybe they won't. Or maybe I'll not even be around by then. If I spent my whole time worrying about what ifs and might bes I'd never do any living."

He falls silent then, letting his eyes lift and focus on her face, staying there for a few long moments, as if fixing her features in his mind's eye. Maybe he is, because after that he gets to his feet, looking down at her sadly.

"It's not a question of knowing what I want, or if I'm willing to take a risk, though. All I've been hearing is that you're so frightened of what might happen that you don't want to take a chance -- not just with us, but with any part of your life. I don't agree with it, but I'll not try and force you into something you clearly don't want. That'd be just as wrong all the other things around here. I'm sorry, Kallian, if you're not willing to take the risk, too, there's no point in my trying to talk you into it. And if that's the case...aye, well, maybe it'd be better if I just go."

Edited 2016-09-04 23:54 (UTC)

She makes a startled little noise, and suddenly, it feels like there's no air in her lungs. Tiny, delicate tendrils of faint blue light creep along her veins and brighten her eyes as she instinctively grapples for her spirit companion. And Hope answers her.

"Jamie..." His name sounds hoarse in her ears.

"I-I'm sorry..."

Leave it at that, urges the too-familiar instinct, stern as ever, Let him take it as a dismissal. Send him away. Protect yourself. Stay safe. You know what men do to elves. You know the only thing they want. He's no different, or he wouldn't have kissed you. Let him go.

Isn't he? Hope thrums in Kalli's head. He comes from another world. He hasn't learned to expect that. He promised not to hurt you. He's your friend. Trust in him. Don't leave it like that.

"You're... you're right. There's so much I'm afraid of. And I'm not brave. Or trusting. I flee. I hide. I don't do any living. Just surviving. I don't really know what safety feels like." She lowers her head, and feels something hot on her cheek. When she touches it, her fingers come away wet.

Stop there. Push him away. It's safer on your own and you know it. He deserves better than you, anyway. You're nothing. You're nobody.

No, you mustn't stop there. You've only told him what he already knows. Show him hope isn't lost yet.

"But things seem... different... a little... around you. Sometimes... I find a little courage. Enough to fight. Or save a life. Your life... is... precious to me. I do care about you, Jamie... I..."

Shouldn't do this. Nothing good will come of it.

Can't give up on it yet.

"...don't want... you..."

It's wrong. You know better. Stop before you get hurt. Before he gets hurt.

It could be a chance. Even just for a moment.

"...to go..." Her voice is soft, and it cracks at the end. She almost can't hear herself speak, the warring voices in her head too loud. But she looks up, eyes too blue and too bright, Hope's light in them.

That hesitation after 'don't want you' is just long enough that something squeezes in his chest, the feeling that he's been having throughout this that she's not interested building into something so very close to certainty that he very nearly turns and walks away then and there. Only the fact that he's still close enough to hear those faint last couple of words gets him to stop, and while he doesn't have that bond with Hope that she does, there's the faintest flicker of something like that in his eyes as well - just without the bright blue to make it that much more obvious.

But then practicality reasserts itself. Just because she doesn't want him to go doesn't mean that she's interested in him. At least not in the same way he's interested in her. She could mean that she just wants them to be friends, and it's the friendship that helps her find some courage. He's glad he can do that much, of course, but it's hard to ignore his own little voice in the back of his head that says that she's still not ready - or willing - to be more than just friends. It gets him to worry at his lower lip, his teeth scraping over the skin before catching and holding it in place for a few long seconds before letting go.

"So now what, then?" His voice is soft as well, with a gentle note to it that she may have heard a few times before. "You said you care about me and I've helped you find a little courage, but...och, I don't know. You've not even tried to kiss me back, and even with all you've said I'm still not so sure if you want us to be more than friends. I promised Anders I'd not force you into anything, and I won't. I'd never do that, not in a million years. But if all you want is friendship, Kallian, you need to let me know so I'm not hoping there might be something more between us someday."

She bites her lip thoughtfully.
"I... I guess I'm not quite sure. This is all very new and strange to me, and I'm not quite sure what to do..." she admits. "Friends is easier, but... When I thought I was going to lose you at the rift... I was so scared... I was sure if I revealed myself as a mage, my life would be forfeit... but I was more scared of losing you. I didn't want to live in a world without you in it. I... I haven't felt like that about anyone else before... I don't know if that's what 'more than friends' feels like, but it's new to me."

She cants her head, genuinely bewildered.
"What do you mean, 'kiss back'? I don't understand. We're just supposed to keep still and not resist..." She suddenly puts a hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. You startled me, but I didn't want you to think I was resisting. I promise, I'll be good. I won't fight or resist. I... I'd rather you than a stranger... Just... Just, please, make it quick and merciful..."

Friends may be easier, but it's not entirely the answer he'd been hoping for, even despite the words that sound to him as though maybe, just maybe, there might be something there after all. He's trying to think of what to say when she suddenly claps her hand over her mouth, leaving him confused at first - and then visibly alarmed as what she's saying actually sinks in.

"What? No, no, that's not what I meant at all." God, what must the men around here be like if that's her first reaction? "Kissing me back because you liked me, and wanted to kiss me. Not because I'm expecting you to do- och, how do I even explain this?"

There's a part of him that wants desperately to touch her, to reassure her that he won't hurt her, but he also knows if he does that she's likely going to think that he wants to use her like some sort of...of whore, only worse. The thought of someone doing something like that to her is enough to send a curl of disgust through him - and anger as well, a vague thing directed at a mythical man that still makes him have to resist curling his hands into fists. He manages not to do that, but only because there isn't anyone here who's actually hurt her like that. Instead, he keeps his distance and gives his head a quick, violent shake, trying to use that to at least get rid of part of those feelings.

"I'd never force myself on you. Never. And anyone who thinks that you should have to keep still and not resist while they have their way with you is wrong. I don't care what your society says about it. You don't treat women that way, and if I ever found out someone tried to do that with you, I'd kill them."

And that's only part of it. He hates the idea that she's thought, even for a moment, that all he wants is to use her and throw her away, like the other humans that seem to think she's so much garbage, and that shows in his eyes before he closes them and turns away a little, his voice going quieter once more.

"Look, I'd not meant to make you think that's all I wanted. I don't, I just- I-I shouldn't have said anything to you in the first place. All I've done was make things worse. I'm sorry."

"Someone probably will eventually. I've been trying to stave it off, but luck can only hold for so long..." Her tone is matter-of-fact, but she visibly trembles at the thought.

"I do like you, Jamie. I don't think that's the only thing you want. If I didn't feel safe with you, I wouldn't have asked you to stay with me during those nights. I trust you. And I don't think you'd hurt me more than necessary."

She toys with a lock of her dark hair.
"I'm sorry if I upset you. I didn't mean to. I've never been wanted before. I've usually done a decent job of keeping that from happening, and I've never had anyone to want, so now... I just... need a little time to get my head around the idea... I-I'm not saying no, just... Go slowly, maybe?"

"More than necessary? Kallian..."

He doesn't want to hurt her at all, but it doesn't seem like she's quite understanding that - and even if he wasn't upset by the idea (which he still is) he simply doesn't have the words to try and get her to see what he's trying to say. Maybe it's true that she just needs some time, but he knows how impatient he tends to get. And even if he does try to take things slow, there's the chance that he'll do or say something stupid without meaning to and then she'll be right back to thinking that he wants to take advantage of her. Or someone would see them and take steps to stop them, and one hand comes to up to rub at his forehead.

"I don't know, Kallian. Maybe you're right, and I shouldn't try. If I did something to hurt you, or said something wrong or-or if anything happened to you because of me, I'd never forgive myself. I- it's just better I go. Just...have someone send the cloak back to where I'm staying, alright?"

Not that he'll be there for a bit yet. What he needs is a walk, to clear his head - but even so, his shoulders slump a bit as he turns and starts to head away. No matter how much he tells himself it's for the best, it still hurts - and likely will for some time to come.

"Jamie..."

But he's already walking away, leaving the bewildered elf behind him. Kalli waits a few minutes to see if he comes back, but no, there's no sign of him. Silently, she collects the remains of their picnic, unable to rid herself of the sense that it has all gone horribly wrong, and more, that it's her fault it's ruined. Equally quietly, she builds the walls around herself a little higher, a little stronger. It's for the best this way.

Still, when Jamie gets his cloak back, he'll find it as part of a neat bundle. The bag and bottles are with it, everything meticulously washed and mended as needed. A single raven feather is carefully tucked in on top.

[CLOSED] Crush Story

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