faderift | [OPEN] Heaven bend to take my hand

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[OPEN] Heaven bend to take my hand

WHO: Hermione Granger and YOU
WHAT: Hermione's seen some shit and is trying to get over it.
WHEN: Mid-Kingsway through the end of the month.
WHERE: In and around Skyhold.
NOTES: Takes place after this plot, so some threads will likely have mentions of child death and/or signs of depression. Please let me know if you'd like me to avoid any triggery topics.

Library

Though the curly-haired rifter has become a staple in the library over the past six months, Hermione has been relatively scarce there lately. She has no real heart for research anymore, not after the things she'd uncovered in those journals in that cave in Fromage, and there's so much more to Thedas than what can be found in books. She'd learned that the hard way, and now instead of reading and taking notes, she finds her thoughts wandering as they rarely do. For once, she can use a distraction from her failed attempts at studying.

Stables

Avoiding people isn't always as easy as she'd like it to be. But if she can preoccupy herself with animals, Hermione can withstand a bit of small talk. There's usually a kitten or two playing around the stables, and if not, at least helping to feed some of the horses will make her feel productive as well as distracted. And if that doesn't work, there's a certain dracolisk that she'd been slowly learning to get friendly with, assuming it won't sense her dour mood and become agitated.

Battlements

The battlements are actually quite pretty. She'd never really come up here before - if she wasn't in the library then that usually means she wanted to be social, and so the courtyards were where she'd spent more of her time - but now that she's looking for a change of scenery... well, there are worse places to get some quiet with a beautiful view. She's not always alone, since there are always people passing back and forth, but most people don't seem all that keen on hassling the young woman perched in between two turrets, staring out into the mountains. Indeed, unless someone happens to recognize her or just manages to catch her as she wipes at a stray tear, most probably wouldn't even know she's there.

Healing Tents

Returning from Emprise had been difficult, for more reasons than one. Beyond the obvious, Hermione still had a few physical injuries that she'd intended to ask the healers in her group to help with on their way back, but had clearly never gotten around to it due to the extenuating circumstances. Of course, she can't indefinitely deal with waking up with a sharp pain in her back and some of the bruises had begun to look particularly gruesome, so there's nothing wrong with making the occasional visit to the healing tents. If she takes care of one thing at a time and sees a different healer each time, it minimizes the chance of any awkward questions being asked, which is all the better; she's not ready to talk about that dreadful day and is in no rush to change that.

Wildcard!

She probably won't be quite so cheery until later on in the month, but Hermione still needs to eat, drink, bathe, and presumably sleep. She may be a little awkward around those that had gone to Emprise du Lion with her, but she isn't about to actively ignore anyone or send them off. Her nerves might be a bit frayed, but there's still such a thing as etiquette, after all.

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Fighting for the "greater good" had, arguably, been the start of the Wizarding Wars, since everyone's idea of the greater good is different; whose idea is correct is another matter entirely.

"... funny," she says after a moment, not sounding the least bit amused. "When people talk about it, that's usually when there's the most collateral damage. As though it's an acknowledgement that yes, horrible things are happening, but that somehow, terrible decisions are being made to protect others. But there's no way of really knowing, is there? Once it's done... it's done."

Korrin nods glumly along with Hermione's assessment, which seems accurate enough, in her opinion. "Exactly. You hope that whatever you decide will have some greater meaning behind it, that it will help or at least not make things worse. But you never really know for sure if it'll be worthwhile or not. No one wants to think that they did something horrible for no reason. Well, no one with any sense of morality."

Hermione pauses for a moment, doing her best not to think too hard about what she's saying. It's a foreign concept for her, but if she overthinks things (as is her tendency), she'll be too emotional to actually speak.

"And what if you watched something horrible unfold and did nothing to stop it?" she asks thinly. "What if there's a chance that you could have saved a life if you hadn't trusted it to-... certain people?" The wrong people, she'd nearly said, but she doesn't want to think of the likes of Anders as the wrong sort of people.

At that, she pauses to rest a hand on Hermione's shoulder, giving her a gentle squeeze. "Did nothing because of indifference, or because you froze? Somehow, I can't imagine the former ever happening with you."

She sighs, gathering her thoughts. "It might take a long time, but try to forgive yourself. You hold yourself to such a high standard, and most of the time that's awesome. But you can't change everything. Some lives can't be saved...and some can, but circumstances don't always allow it. It's not right, or fair. It fucking sucks. But it's going to keep happening, and if you can't accept that on some level, it'll break you. The only thing you can really do is to take action when you can, try to save those lives when you have a chance. And if you can't at that time, focus on the people who will need you later."

Hermione shakes her head even as Korrin continues to talk. She hadn't froze, and she'd been far from indifferent. "I could have taken action. We could have saved him. But... it all happened so fast. And then suddenly the people who were closest and could have helped him suddenly... weren't. Helping him."

She looks down for a moment, mumbling to herself now. "We know there's a ritual that works now, and they still chose to kill him rather than try to secure him."

Ah, that ritual. Korrin sighs, not a huge fan of it since her friends were hurt risking their lives for a man she doesn't consider worth the trouble. But that's a whole other debate she can wait to bring up.

"There's a reason for that. I'm not saying it isn't horrible, but...I'd been sent to a town where an abomination emerged. Only one. And yet, that one is the reason that town doesn't exist anymore. Once the demon fully takes over, once that last spark of will fades, they're unstoppable death machines. We had a well-trained, well-equipped squad to combat it and only I emerged. Maybe that ritual could have worked, but you'd have to restrain him in the first place, and with a demon that's already taken over, well...I wouldn't count on it."

"I could have done a Full Body-Bind," Hermione counters. "A paralysis spell. It doesn't usually work very well on demons but he was still... he was still him at the beginning of it."

Logically, she understands what Korrin is saying. It might not be the same as having been there, but she can understand it from a theoretical point of view. But logic and theory hold little sway in this particular case, which she explains as she breathes out, "He was a little boy. All he wanted was his parents and his stuffed nug. Instead...."

Korrin's face falls as she hears about the child, her stomach sinking. Abominations are always horrifying things, but that it had happened to a child was ever worse. She steps in, arms slipping around Hermione because if anyone needs a hug right now, it's her. "I'm so sorry, Hermione. He should never have had to endure that, nor you. If you get the chance later, try that spell...and if it doesn't work, don't blame yourself too harshly. We can't save everyone, but we can still try."

Hermione stiffens at the hug, given that she can't remember the last time she'd felt anything more than an arm slung over her shoulders or some such thing. But that thought just makes her remember how much she misses her friends, and how much she misses hugs, and the tension turns into something else as she starts crying outright, turning fully towards Korrin and trying to hide her face. "That seems to be all we ever do here. We try and try and try, and yet this sort of thing just keeps happening."

Those tears are overdue, in Korrin's opinion. She doesn't force Hermione to show her face, just continuing to hold her with those strong but gentle arms. If her shirt becomes wet with tears, well, she can live with that. "I know. It's like treading water, just managing to keep ourselves afloat and no more. I try to tell myself that it does more than we think, that without us as a barrier that shit would keep going with nothing to keep it in check. But it's still damn hard to live with, all the same."

Hermione would offer to dry her tears off Korrin's shirt, but in all honesty, she's in no particular hurry to use magic for anything ever again. She doubts she can keep that up indefinitely, but with the way she feels right in this moment, she'd be perfectly happy to let a mabari use her wand as a chew toy.

"Without you, maybe," she mutters softly. "I'm not even supposed to be here in the first place. I'm virtually useless."

"Now that is pure bullshit." Korrin gives her a light squeeze, sighing as her heart aches for her friend. If only she could make it easier for her, but there are doubtless more horrors to come. Telling Hermione that this is the worst Thedas has to offer would be a disservice. "You've a damn talented mage -witch- and yeah, being here has changed it on you, but I've never seen anyone work as hard as you to compensate for it. You're brilliant and you care about people, and that's exactly the sort of people we need, magic or no magic.

...but you've been through a lot. If you need to step back and care for yourself first, do it. Don't be afraid to focus on yourself for once, not when you've given so much of yourself before now."

Hermione isn't usually so self-deprecating, or at least hasn't felt that way in a while. Not since she'd been a child, in fact, which says a bit about her current mentality.

She doesn't feel as though she's given much of anything, but she knows better than to say as much. She isn't searching for empty reassurances, for someone to tell her that everything will be all right if she just believes in herself. She just needs someone to be there fr her, and Korrin is fulfilling that role perfectly.

"Thank you," she mumbles against Korrin. "I just-... I'm not used to having all the answers."

"I'll be here to help you get used to it." Because really, it will happen again at some point, and she hopes for Hermione's sake that she'll be able to weather that prospect better in time. "Not that I'm saying it's cause to give up; just because we don't know what the hell to do sometimes doesn't mean we can't try. But it's alright to admit that, and step back when you need it. You're not alone in this, and it's not all up to you. Please try to remember that."

She does feel as though she's all along here. While Hermione values the friends she's made since arriving in Thedas, it's instances like what had happened to that child that make her realize that she doesn't belong here. The rest of the party had seen it as simply a matter of survival and seem to be coping with it relatively easily. The same clearly can't be said for her.

"Thank you," she repeats, because really, that's all that can really be said at the moment. Trying to straight up and pretend for all the world that she hadn't just been crying, she murmurs, "It's good to know I have a friend here."

"You have many, I'm sure, but I'm glad to be among them. Care to join me in the kitchen? I'm thinking it's time for tea and whatever the bakery people have set aside from earlier." It won't cure Hermione's heartache, she knows that. But sometimes taking little moments for themselves can give the mental strength needed to power through those dark times.

If nothing else, Hermione's more than glad for the distraction Korrin offers, even if all she can manage is a small, wan smile. "That sounds nice," she says, voice soft and level. For however subdued she might be, she sounds entirely genuine as she says it.

"C'mon, then." Korrin manages a small smile in turn and steers her away, toward the kitchen. She'll make a mental note to try and share the same missions when Hermione's ready to go out again. If nothing else, she can be there to provide support in the immediate moment, not just afterward.

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[OPEN] Heaven bend to take my hand

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