[open] it seems that all my bridges have been burned

[onlyhymns]

WHO: Cade and yoooou
WHAT: Cade's restricted to his quarters! Again!!
WHEN: early Solace
WHERE: the Templar quarters in the Gallows
NOTES: Visitors are likely restricted by at least a cursory guard, who would be there anyway because Templars.

It may have been a day, it may have been six. Regardless, Cade spends the majority of his time on his bed, facing the wall, his back to the room and curled in a fetal position. When he's not there, he's sitting at the small desk he and Simon share, staring hopelessly at a blank book, holding a pen and not using it. He doesn't seem to sleep much, and hasn't touched any of the food brought for him. Few would, on their own deathwatch.

Comments

SIMON

[onlyhymns]

There's a strange sound, likely audible to Simon before he even arrives at the door, though it has a hesitance about it, an effort to not make too much noise. In any other situation, this would be a prelude to something scandalous-- and perhaps it is-- based on the thump of impact on flesh, the hiss in response, the gasping.
But it's just Cade within, by himself, clearly not having a lot of fun. He's kneeling on the ground by his bed, resting atop a tattered blanket that has clearly been used for this before, based on its speckling of old bloodstains. There are fresh ones as well, and their source is unmistakeable when Cade gets one more blow in with a nasty, several-tailed implement made of knotted rope.

He hadn't expected Simon to be back so soon, and Cade sits up with a jerk and a gasp of pain the moment the door opens, his eyes wide in panic. Wait. Shit. You're not supposed to see this.

[paladingus]

Were it anyone else in the world but Cade, scandal is exactly what Simon would assume (and if Simon were the one in the room, the assumption would be perfectly correct.) As it is, though, the moment those sounds become audible, he has a horrible sinking feeling that he's going to find something similar to the scene that awaits him. It seems like exactly the sort of thing Cade would do.

The bloodstains are worse than he'd feared, the whip even crueler, and Simon just takes it all in for a few moments with a vaguely queasy expression.

"Who is this helping, mate?" he asks quietly.

[onlyhymns]

For several moments, Cade is too busy kneeling, shirtless and thinly bloodied, glancing around and trying to think of any explanation for this that isn't... well, what it is. He doesn't even like to dress and undress with other men at the best of times, preparing for practice or patrol or battle or anything else. Yet.
"I'm sorry," he says quickly, breathlessly, scrambling back to start folding up the blanket and the wicked knotted-rope apparatus, "I'll clean it up." Nobody wants blood on their floor. "I'm sorry." He moves stiffly, clearly in pain, but he's not about to let that stop him from pretending this never happened.

[paladingus]

"It's not about the mess," he protests, futilely. At the moment, it's a tossup whether the mess or the shirtlessness is less important.

"I'd like to think you know that, but I don't believe you do. No, stop trying to clean up; you're just going to make it bleed more." He's not about to touch the rope thing, and he doesn't want it just sitting out in the open, but he can endure it when the alternative is watching Cade scramble like an injured puppy.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?"

[onlyhymns]

Cade continues with his fervent attempt to clean until Simon pointedly tells him to stop, and then he does so, holding the blanket and the whip together in his arms, a big ugly bloodstained bundle. He looks down at it, pressing it to his chest as if for modesty, even if his arms and shoulders are still visible.
He takes a breath as if to speak, but breathes it out. Then does it again. He winces. "...you weren't supposed to see," he murmurs, as though that's an answer to the question.

[paladingus]

"No, of course. Scourging yourself bloody with a cat o'nine is no problem at all, just as long as nobody happens to find out about it. Maker's breath, Cade." There is a part of Simon that realizes that sarcasm is unlikely to help, and he doesn't want to come across as scornful in his distress at all this. It's not a situation he's ever considered how to handle.

"I mean, does this--make you feel better, somehow? Does it accomplish anything?"

[onlyhymns]

This is literally the last conversation Cade has ever wanted to have, but the tension has been building so terribly, and... well, he'd thought Simon would be out, and he couldn't wait.
He stands there staring at the floor like a child avoiding answering a teacher, hugging the materials to him and trying between thoughts to will himself out of existence.

Finally, he nods. At least he didn't have to state that much. "...it makes me calmer," he murmurs, sheepishly.

WREN

[onlyhymns]

It's the day after she first visited, and Cade is ready. He's even changed into the kind of comfortable clothes he used to wear for drills and sparring, not that they've had much use lately. They hang on him now, at least a full size too big, and Cade looks small and fragile in them.

He sits quietly, as attentive as a dog awaiting its master, watching the door for Wren.

[limier]

This time when she announces herself, she waits for him to get the door.

If yesterday's talk had been no particular reassurance, she's at least convinced he's willing to try. She's put herself forward, it's time to see how far he can be coaxed after her. The clothes (Maker, it must have been ages since he's trained, and that's a problem in itself) are a start.

"Cade,"

Better to dispense with titles. It's been easier with Gwenaelle, without that added distance. The context is far different (imagine a power struggle here and laugh), but her concerns are much the same: Establishing a consistent frame of reference. There's going to be enough of a tussle over keeping him whole in the coming days. Keeping his knighthood?

That's even more unlikely. It won't solve a single damn problem, stripping the Ser from his name. She's still quite certain they'll consider it — and the case for keeping him in the Order is a murky one to any who haven't lived within its structures.

A short gesture to the untouched plates.

"Have you eaten today?"

[onlyhymns]

Cade rises to open the door, and offers a respectful nod upon Wren's entrance, stepping back to let her in. He glances at the plates when she gestures to them, and lowers his head slightly, a look of guilt.
"Um... not yet, ser," he admits, "...I haven't been hungry."

[limier]

"Then you may do so as we begin." Calm. No sense in admonishment when he already knows what he ought to be doing. "If you've not taken water or lyrium, now is a good time."

She shoves up her sleeves, drags the desk slightly aside. There should be enough space for the two of them now.

[onlyhymns]

He really doesn't want to, but. Cade knows better than to not take a suggestion as an order when it come to someone higher ranking. He nods sheepishly, then goes to the table and sits down by it, already berating himself for wasting her time. Why didn't he just eat first?
"I took it already," he murmurs, regarding lyrium. That, at least, he can't skip when he doesn't feel like it, or he'll have much bigger problems than hunger.

[limier]

"Good." Or something that'll pass for it, in dim light. "I would like to ask you some questions. There are no wrong answers —"

There most certainly are, but that's not anything she'll let herself show; everything she's seen of Cade second-guesses itself already. She leans against the wall, waits for him to eat,

"— It is only so I can better understand. We were not taught by the same people, and there are differences, yes? When you served at the Gallows before, how would you describe your role?"

tapdances on in because mages

[sulena]

Being an elf had its disadvantages but it also had its share of advantages. Pretending to be part of the servant staff was, as it turned out, was surprisingly easy to pass off. It is how she even managed to get this far, probably since she doubts many other means would have allowed a her access.

In her hands, she holds onto the stone the color of a sunset and etched with a sun. It helps to calm her worries, focus on her reasons for being her and allowing her to offer him a small gesture that is close to a smile.

"Hello, ser." She says as an announcement to her presence when she finally spies dirty blonde hair of the Templar from the other day. "Do you remember me?"

[onlyhymns]

Cade looks up when he hears the door, and when it isn't just food being brought, he still has the presence of mind to sit up and adjust his positioning so he isn't being rude to a guest. And the woman does look familiar, he finds.
"...you were..." he quietly begins, and trails off. She was at the altercation the other day, but he's certain he knew her from before that. He's too tired to think hard about it.

[sulena]

"I tried to calm the situation that brewed between my fellow mage and the Lord Seeker. Unfortunately, as you know, it did not go as planned."

Carefully, she continues to fiddle with the stone in her hands before breathing out slow breath of air. "But before that, I was a mage that called the Gallows my home. Like that woman, I came from Starkhaven and lived within these walls. You lived here too. I remember this, I remember seeing you in the Chapel to pray and one time when I was allowed to sing the hymns."

[onlyhymns]

Ah, that's what it is. And then-- yes. He knew he knew her from somewhere.
And somehow, that makes this all the more embarrassing. They've been here since before it was bad, when life was still normal. Yet here the woman is, pleasantly visiting, and here he is, waiting for judgment.
Cade nods, confirming the woman's assertion. "...I'm from Starkhaven," he adds, pointlessly. Nobody wants to be from Kirkwall.

[sulena]

Saoirse watches with a curious expression, lips pursed and hands continuing to fiddle with her one safety net. He's hard to read and she opens her mouth, perhaps to say more, when Cade finally speaks.

"You are?" She asks, happiness in her voice. "Good... we need more representation here in the Inquisition. Where about in the city did you live? I never left the alienage much myself when I was a child but I have seen more in recent years."

[onlyhymns]

Well that's not a good start. Cade can be a little clueless about other social classes, but he at least knows what an alienage is.
"Um... in the..." He looks down. "...in a big house. By the river." Those are the only details he can remember; it was so long ago. "I haven't been there in a long time." For all he knows, his wealthy family still remains, doing whatever it is the aristocracy does when they weren't given to the Chantry.

[arlathvhen]

While Beleth had always been diligent to keep her finger on the pulse of gossip in Skyhold, her new position gives her a veritable deluge of information, in varying degrees of veritability. Needless to say, she's heard all manner of word on the incident with Seeker Darton. She's had to spend some time sorting through it, and dealing with repercussions in her position as head of scouting. Luckily, a lot of that consisted of trying to stop the spread of malicious rumors--something she'd want done regardless.

And now she was able to do damage assessment of a more personal nature. Approaching the door, there's a moment spared to pray that the roommate isn't hanging around, before she knocks on the door. "Cade, it's Beleth. I'd like to come in." Was that too forceful? Right now, he probably doesn't need more people bossing him around, even if she would rather have a chance to speak to him. "Please." Is thus tacked on belatedly. Good enough.

[onlyhymns]

For some reason, Cade hadn't expected to hear from her. But when Beleth's voice filters through the door, he actually sits up and gets out of bed to open it.
He looks a mess, more miserable than he's ever been, but on some level he's glad to see her.

[arlathvhen]

"Oh, Cade." The name escapes her lips as a soft sigh, face instantly lined with worry. It's hard not to just out and hug him, because if she had ever seen a man so singularly in need of a hug, it was Cade. As it was, she couldn't resist letting her hand drift up to gently touch the side of his face. He looks terrible, but she doesn't tell him. She's sure he knows.

Instead, a few moments are spent trying to smooth his hair into some semblance of tidiness, before she realizes she's still standing there on his doorstep like an idiot. Hurriedly, Beleth steps inside, closing the door behind her, but after that's taken care of, her attention turns to Cade once again. "Have you been eating? Surely they've been making sure you had food. I'll toss the Seekers right out the tower window if they haven't."

[onlyhymns]

He's a little surprised by the gesture, but allows Beleth to touch his face, and even finds that it feels all right. It's gentle and no more. When she immediately transitions into more ardent preening, he considers saying something, but it seems to be making her happy, and, well... he's not about to take chances with Beleth, of all people.
"I've had food," he half-lies, looking at the ground. He doesn't step out of the way, since allowing a non-affiliated woman into his and Simon's room, with or without his orders to stay here, seems inappropriate. ...especially when she's someone with whom he's had a checkered past, at no fault of hers.
"...I'm sorry," he says after a moment, knitting his brow, his eyes watering despite his certainty that they had finally dehydrated themselves. "You should--..." Go away and forget he existed, before you get dragged down with him. But instead he just pinches the bridge of his nose, hiding his eyes. "...I'm sorry."

[arlathvhen]

The sight of his eyes watering tugs at her heart, and while sympathy is something easy enough to conjure for Cade, this is somehow worse than any of the other times he's managed to draw it out of her. Certainly, if not by cause, than by his own reaction. She can't remember ever seeing him cry before, no matter what had happened to him.

A handkerchief is procured, and offered, before she rests a hand on his arm. Her touches are, as always with him, light and gentle, something easy for him to withdraw from if he so desires. Touching has always been a method of comfort for her, both given and received, and it's the first thing she can think to offer him in this dire situation.

"You needn't apologize, Cade. Least of all to me. Listen--I, um. I know this is a nasty business, all of this. And I know that it must seem rather grim, right now. But--It'll be alright." She offers with this a small smile, as gentle as the hand still resting on him. "It might take some time, but it will be. I know it."

[onlyhymns]

Cade takes a shuddering breath as he shakes his head, unable to prevent a few tears from spilling, though he rapidly wipes them on his sleeve. He angles himself away from Beleth for this reason, not wanting her to see him be so pathetic.
"This was my last chance," he says in a quavering voice, closing his eyes so they at least won't be all shiny, not that his face isn't already red enough to betray him. He knots his hand over his mouth as if that'll suppress its trembling, as if he can just lock it all in by willing himself to.