It's probably not the best reaction she could have, and it probably won't help, but the frustration comes back full force and she wipes away more tears that are now this side of angry.
"Well obviously not, because I'm precious fragile little Ellana right? The girl who can't handle anything, so people leave her in the damn dark to protect her." Her voice is raising, and suddenly something breaks and she stands, her hands balled into fists and her short nails digging into her palms.
"I can't make you open up, I can't make you do or think anything, but don't you dare think you know how I feel. We're clan and I will always care about you. I'll always carry you with me, no matter where we go. Even if you think you're crazy, or don't deserve to be in my heart. And if I still don't get it? If I'll never get it, or understand you? Then that's just the way things are. I'll just be stupid and oblivious. I'll still care about you, and you can't take that away from me."
His fists are balled so tightly now it hurts, cramping up his fingers and straining his wrists. He's trying so hard not to snap at her-- his muscles are screaming with the effort of holding back, and his heart is so raw and exposed he's afraid it'll just slide out of his chest and onto the floor.
"I didn't want you to see because-- Creators, Ellana, do you think I'd just randomly leave gifts for just anyone? Have I ever been the type to do that?"
Her anger falls away almost immediately, and she's left staring at him, digesting his very simple question. Merrick. And presents. Who does he give presents to? Has it really been just her? Her eyes lower to his hands and she sees the strain there; how frustrated he is, and how much he's holding back -- once again -- for her sake. And she slowly moves to sit down beside him again, a little closer this time.
"No, you're not." Her voice is soft as everything finally clicks. The reason he treats her like some fragile precious thing is because she's a precious thing to him. She's always liked him, even knowing he was troubled. He has a heart that he only shows to those he wants to, and he's honored her by giving her little carvings and sitting in the grass with her to sing. She wipes fresh tears away and takes a deep breath.
"I didn't realize--" But he already knows that, doesn't he? She shakes her head. "I meant what I said. I'll never stop caring about you. But now there's a gulf between us, and I'm trying to reach across. It's up to you to reach the rest of the way."
Ellana smiles through her tears and sniffles back anymore.
"And I'm shit at noticing the obvious, so..." She trails off and extends her hand towards him, resting it on the wall, palm up. Then she wriggles her fingers invitingly.
"You don't have to use words at all. If you think we can still be friends, then here."
It needs to be said, doesn't it? If he's been holding back on telling her how he feels, then she's been holding back in this conversation, not wanting to give it that harsh note of finality. But she has too. And it will hurt him.
She swallows the lump forming in her throat and pushes past the burning feeling in her nose which is signaling yet more tears.
"I don't." Her voice is gentle. "Not like that. I'm sorry, Merrick."
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"Well obviously not, because I'm precious fragile little Ellana right? The girl who can't handle anything, so people leave her in the damn dark to protect her." Her voice is raising, and suddenly something breaks and she stands, her hands balled into fists and her short nails digging into her palms.
"I can't make you open up, I can't make you do or think anything, but don't you dare think you know how I feel. We're clan and I will always care about you. I'll always carry you with me, no matter where we go. Even if you think you're crazy, or don't deserve to be in my heart. And if I still don't get it? If I'll never get it, or understand you? Then that's just the way things are. I'll just be stupid and oblivious. I'll still care about you, and you can't take that away from me."
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His fists are balled so tightly now it hurts, cramping up his fingers and straining his wrists. He's trying so hard not to snap at her-- his muscles are screaming with the effort of holding back, and his heart is so raw and exposed he's afraid it'll just slide out of his chest and onto the floor.
"I didn't want you to see because-- Creators, Ellana, do you think I'd just randomly leave gifts for just anyone? Have I ever been the type to do that?"
no subject
"No, you're not." Her voice is soft as everything finally clicks. The reason he treats her like some fragile precious thing is because she's a precious thing to him. She's always liked him, even knowing he was troubled. He has a heart that he only shows to those he wants to, and he's honored her by giving her little carvings and sitting in the grass with her to sing. She wipes fresh tears away and takes a deep breath.
"I didn't realize--" But he already knows that, doesn't he? She shakes her head. "I meant what I said. I'll never stop caring about you. But now there's a gulf between us, and I'm trying to reach across. It's up to you to reach the rest of the way."
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"I want to," he mutters. "But I'm shit with words, you know that."
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"And I'm shit at noticing the obvious, so..." She trails off and extends her hand towards him, resting it on the wall, palm up. Then she wriggles her fingers invitingly.
"You don't have to use words at all. If you think we can still be friends, then here."
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"You don't know," he says softly, "how much."
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"You're right; I don't," she murmurs, matching his quiet tone. "But now I can guess that it's a lot. And I can guess why you've never said."
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She swallows the lump forming in her throat and pushes past the burning feeling in her nose which is signaling yet more tears.
"I don't." Her voice is gentle. "Not like that. I'm sorry, Merrick."