faderift | [CLOSED] baby Fade-touched shark

[Edgard frowns at this conversation and kicks the ground a little.]

Are we certain he said we had to kill one? Thought we were just supposed to steal them and not get caught.

[He protectively steps in front of a very impressive and large druffalo with two heads.]

Better not kill Davignon.

[One can assume that Davignon is the druffalo in question. Maybe it was a bad idea to bring an animal lover on this mission.]

You thought wrong. [Woefully, Astarion thinks with a dry note of exasperation as he watches Edgar’s safeguard an exceptionally dull-looking animal more than twice his size, one can’t pick their own teammates.]

You’ve known that beast for less than a minute— [How did he even come up with a name that fast???]

Ugh. Never mind. I’ll do it myself.

[Astarion has, after all, fed on countless animals over the years. A quick snap of his fangs with all the force employed by any predator hunting prey, and it’s all over.

Granted, not the show he wants to put on for someone that isn’t privy to his nature (Edgard), but he’s more than capable of a clean kill is the point.]

Start unloading the rest, then, if you haven’t the stomach to help. A single wolf should do nicely. Statues of them all over the bloody place in Thedas— people are mad about the damned things.

If that doesn’t incite our dear Benat Berroeta to absolute fury, I don’t know what else will.

... Are we sure they're not gonna start killing each other the moment we set them all loose? (/s, but surely there's validity to the question when the cages contain both crows and tigers, an animal Abby has never seen in real life before. They're... big. Big boys. Would probably eat Davignon as a snack.

But they haven't thus far, so perhaps they're kept calm by other means. Berroeta did have all of those fancy fucking wards up on the cages.

Without any further prompting, she unlocks a latch, and starts to ease the door open. Only one way to find out, right. A badger at the forefront of the cage trots out, and promptly duplicates itself right in front of her.)

This is so fucking weird–

[Edgard quickly holds his arms out and shoos the badger, badgerS now, back towards the other two.]

Can't just let them out without warning! Need a plan. Have like with like. Davignon would stomp on [He gestures to the badgers.] Berlioz and Benoit

[Either Berlioz or Benoit has scrambled away and Edgard starts to walk toward it when a booming and echoing MEEEEH erupts from a very loud ram in a cage nearby which causes Edgard to cover his ears in pain and lose track of the badger.]

Stop naming them! [It's hissed sharply from over his own shoulder, busy as he is intruding on the caged warding of one of the other animals, shadowed by his own dark silhouette. A keening sort of whine answering that he then has to struggle to speak over—

Alongside, you know, every other animal noise in this place.]

And for the love of the Gods themselves, Abby, kindly [this does not sound like a kind request at all] keep him from doing something stupid while you're both at it— the man's liable to get us caught if he keeps fretting over whether or not they all live.

Because, as a reminder: we're here as villains, not knights in shining armor.

And how do you want to qualify 'like with like', exactly? (She would have put the druffalo with the badger as they're unlikely to eat each other, but is he thinking large with large and small with small? Is the druffalo going to stand so nicely with the fucking tiger??

The badger, which was two, promptly becomes one again. Abby really fucking hopes that's the only one that can do that particular trick.

Astarion's request is neither nice, nor possible. She ignores it, she's just had an idea.)

We funnel them out. That hall we came down didn't have any open doors. One of us can go ahead and guide them all the way down. (What could possibly go wrong?)

Pretend villians! [He first responds to Astarion.]

Needs to be something to rescue later. And the names are useful, how else would you tell Berlioz and B- [He now notices they are one again.]

Nevermind. [He turns to Abby.]

And like with like! [Duh, Abby can't you read his mind?] Not Druffalos with badgers. Druffalos with [He points to the very loud ram.] rams!

But, Funneling might work so long as we keep like with like. [He's going to continue to double down on this phrase.]

Do you know what else is like with like, Edgard? (Because Astarion is taking his sweet time and Abby has suddenly found herself beset upon by an unnaturally large and glowing raven, intent on bullying her,) My knuckles and the side of your fucking head–

[It takes entirely too long for Astarion to come back to meet them.

When he does, he doesn't look too particularly content, either: blood staining the cuff of one of his sleeves, black fur an utter mess across his front— all punctuated by the stormiest of expressions that somehow manages not to recede into the shadows of his hood.]

Right.

[Grouchy right. Acidic right. The kind of expectant right that means there's momentum attached to it, most likely. An urge to leave about as quickly as possible.]

Job's done. The man will undoubtedly weep once we've bolted.

[Don't ask.]

Tell me you've made some sort of progress out here.

[It's been like what, fifteen— twenty minutes? Surely that means everything's been going just fine and the mission's almost done, right?

...right.]

[Edgard frowns not looking at Astarion.]

What did you do? [He tries to keep the tone curious, but it's a little accusatory. He still doesn't turn to look.]

[His gaze is fixed on a deer that is glowing slightly.]

This one [He says quietly, pointing at the deer.] is sneaky and I have to keep watching her. This is progress. Think we have most of them.

[He suddenly hollers.] Right, Abby?

I did exactly what I said I'd do: I killed one of the beasts. A wolf. Pointless, noisy little creature. Nothing to be missed.

[He tugs lightly at his own sleeve, a gesture oddly fiddly— at odds with the fussiness of his present bearing, though it's minor enough that it could be easily lost in the commotion of shuffling what remains.

Which...does leave his attention fixed on that deer.]

...sneaky how?

Almost!

(Abby has made a fair effort of corralling the animals into place outside of the cage. Everything that won't eat something else has been dutifully grouped together, ready to be moved. The raven from earlier won't be. It is perched on her shoulder, and trying to get its beak in her hood to peck her fucking ear.

The jab about the wolf makes her search her memory for a moment, wondering if she ever told Astarion that her old faction called themselves wolves. She's pretty sure that she didn't. But you never can be sure with him.)

Saving the best for last- (i.e the apex predators. Gulp.) Can't you subdue them with magic or something?

[Edgard gives Abby a Look. Who does she think he is?]

Get right on that.

[He waves his arms wildly and mutters nonsense in Orlesian. He then takes a deep breath and points his fingers towards the remaining animals.]

KABOOM! [He shouts and then immediately and dryly,]

No. Can't subdue them with magic.

[In his small performance, the glow in the dark deer has vanished.]

Where'd she go? Did you see her, Wolf Killer?

[Sneaky, like that, Astarion.]

Magic? You think any of us actually have—

[With a thunderous bark that shatters their present surroundings, both Astarion and the rest of the animals seem to jump out of their own skin (or pelts, to be exact) for a solid half beat, Astarion's expression twisting into a resentful snarl in the aftermath— yanking his own hood high so that it masks his face once more, fully displaying a vicious cut across the palm of his pale hand for a flicker of a beat.]

Oh you bloody fool, hush before someone comes rushing in and sees us!

[Which admittedly, after a noise like that, they might.]

I'll take care of the other carnivores. We predators always have a weakness for blood.

Find the deer.

[All that said, though, Wolf Killer is a name he quite likes in hindsight....]

I was talking about him. (Obviously, not Edgard,) Aren't you a–

(The word 'vampire' is lost in the sound of animals reshuffling themselves, and the shriek of the raven in Abby's ear. She tries once again to shoo it away, and all it does is poop on her uniform to her audible disgust.

She's so done.)

Let's get the herbivores out first. (If there's going to be some kind of procession,) Fuck the deer, it'll show up again or it won't. (She's very conscious of how long this is taking, that's all.)

Wait.

[Edgard is aware he missed something here. He points at Astarion.]

He's a what?

[He turns to Astarion.]

What are you, Wolf Killer? Can you do magic?

[If they could've done this in an easier way and Astarion was keeping it from them for some kind of secret reason, Edgard is going to be so angry!]

[CLOSED] baby Fade-touched shark

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Padme Amidala meme goes here

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