this world of ours is not as it seems

[girlinthebox]

WHO: River and OPEN
WHAT: Spooky little girl wandering around Skyhold.
WHEN: Late Wintermarch.
WHERE: Various locations around Skyhold.
NOTES: n/a

River has good days, and she has bad days. At times it feels like the swing of a pendulum, whose motions she can never truly calculate.

The good days have gotten progressively better. There are points of focus, people to talk to, to connect with. The Fade remains a presence, near-engulfing even when she's awake, but there's an opportunity to see past it, or perhaps more accurately to watch it layer against the people on this side of the Veil. Cole's compassion. Nerva's protectiveness. Zevran's cleverness. She thrives in their contact, stretching out without fear of it harming either Simon or herself, and simply allowed to be. It's a novel concept. She flits about the keep, often barefoot and the edges of her dress a little dirtier than they ought to be, her dark hair streaming behind her.

It's odd to think she has friends, yet it seems so. She feels their overlap and it feels like comfort, like warmth, and she doesn't want to untangle herself just yet.

But there are bad days.

She's more like a feral cat on those days, slinking just out of sight, out of reach. Either the noise has grown too loud inside her own head, or Simon's attempts to negate the worst of it leave her sluggish and more than a little bitter. Stumbling around like a child, slowed and lethargic. Those days she's not much good for anyone, though she tries to find those warm touchstones again. She lingers in the kitchens, in the hall, in the library or tavern, trying in vain to feel the vividness of those familiar voices again, blossoming bright like colors in her mind's eye.

She's little more than a shadow then. Huddled, hair in her face, staring outward blankly and through most passersby.

There are more good days than bad, thankfully. But every time she sinks brings doubt, creeping and gnawing. If she can't prevent herself from slipping, what happens if she falls?

Or is simply it a matter of when?

Comments

[girlinthebox]

"It doesn't do what it's supposed to."

Finally her eyes drift away, finding some point in the distant mist of the mountains. Church isn't going to hurt her, he just wants to know. He thinks knowing means understanding, and understanding means comprehending. He'll be disappointed.

But she can pluck those strings for him, see if he knows the tune.

"They wanted me to slip in, to be the knife in the dark, in dreams, extending their reach to find their foes. But things in the Fade don't keep form for a reason. It flows downstream. Things come in, instead, and I can't keep them out." Her fingers roll into fists in her skirts, thin shoulders shifting uncomfortably.

"Cole hears them suffering. I...hear too much. But it's easier to hear when they don't hurt as much. So I try to help, like he does."

[motherfucking_ghost]

His eyes squint, trying to make sense of what she's saying versus what relatively little he understands of the world. Actually makes a point of thinking for half a second or more before speaking. "So someone wanted you to be an assassin, but it backfired and now you're kind of...weird? And like...your brain's connected to the Fade?"

And something something makes her semi-telepathic or whatever. "And when you brain-read someone's head, their pain is painful to you, so you want to help so it'll shut up. Is that...kind of right?"

[girlinthebox]

"Kind of."

But close enough that there's a palpable look of relief. Alright, that had worked out better than she'd hoped. It was difficult getting the wording right at times.

And it mattered that Church wanted to understand, rather than simply being afraid or chasing her away.

[motherfucking_ghost]

"Okay." There's some relief from him, too, because she IS weird, and this place IS weird, and he's only barely grasping a few of the very basic concepts around him. Who knew that space travel would be easier? Hell, give him time travel. He almost worked that one out.

Not that he's not afraid or angry yet, but he's at least attempting to keep himself in check. Because if people knew his story, they'd think he was a weird freak of nature and affront to God, or the Maker, or Andraste? or whoever. Whatever.

"Dude, child assassins are not okay in any timeline or universe. How old are you, anyway, like...like fifteen maybe? Fourteen? Higher lower?"

[girlinthebox]

Her lower lip tenses between her teeth. "Eighteen."

Which shouldn't be a child, but she doesn't feel very adult. They took her young enough that she feels like those years haven't really passed yet, or maybe she's skipped them. The normal progression has been disrupted and there are...

Well. Pieces missing.

But the important thing is Church still looks very weirded out by her, but not as afraid. Or angry.

[motherfucking_ghost]

"Oh. Um. Well you look young for your age? And that'll be even more awesome when you get older. At least, that's what I hear. Not that it makes what happened any better. Cuz it doesn't."

[girlinthebox]

"He's trying to make it better," she replies, her gaze slipping away from Church, falling towards the tents that the healers have taken up to work their craft. "It's hard for him. Some of the parts that were don't come back, or don't fit the same. He wants it to be like it was, walking and talking and feet on the ground, but..."

Her brow furrows tightly as she shakes her head, hair flying about her face.

"I'm not. It won't ever be. Can't unbecome what you are."