Cannot Find The Words

[el_tybs]

WHO: Samouel Gareth and ANYONE
WHAT: A lots happened since the Fallow Mire. Sam reflects and keeps busy before getting shipped out again.
WHEN: Between returning from Fallow Mire and leaving for War Table operations
WHERE: Skyhold
NOTES: Just the usual.

{Magic Lessons - Before/During/After}
Even though Fallow Mire had been trying, it doesn't mean that he can just take a break from his lessons. Sam is progressing with his Spirit magic with the help of Lady LeBlanc, as well as learning to control Ice spells to a point, though having difficulty. He's also trying to get the grasp on Storm magic with the help of Roul.


{The Armory}
With the new shipment of ores from the Fallow Mire there have been numerous orders for armor and weapons. Seeing as his sparring lessons with Krem have been put on hold for now for... reaons, he spends most late afternoons/early evenings helping with the forges.


{The Library}
He's still having issues falling asleep since the bog so Sam spends a good amount of time in the library in the evenings. That's not the only thing keeping him up. There are a number of crumpled up papers on the floor as he tries to figure out what to say in a letter.


{Wildcard}

Comments

[el_tybs]

The voice manages to tear him away from staring at the page, blinking as he cranes his neck over his shoulder. Ah, it was Pel. "Still working on your research?"

Turning back around Sam gives a yawn, raising his arms over then behind his head and giving a long stretch. He's suddenly feeling how long he'd been bent over the table trying to put words to parchment. "Yes. Maybe. I'm not sure..." He gives Pel a sheepish grin as he turns in his chair to better face her and put his legs out. "Not having much luck writing a letter is all."

[mythalenaste]

"We should switch. I write yours and you write mine. At this point I'm mostly copying what I've already written. Should be a nice change of pace."

She's not serious, though that's probably hard to tell until she says the next thing.

"Want to go for a walk? Stretch our legs?"

[el_tybs]

He thinks she's joking... but he cannot be sure. Pel could be very blunt on some things - things - and she had quite the poker face. Obviously he's not going to take her up on the offer - joke or not - but she probably could write this letter better then him.

The offer for going for a walk though is most welcome. "That sounds like a good idea. Maybe moving around will give me some inspiration."

[mythalenaste]

Pel leads him out to the walkway built over the garden. It's relatively private, as opposed to the outer wall, with no guards or incidental wanderers. Most people are too spooked by the narrow walkway to use it.

She doesn't ask who he was writing to, or how his day has been. That sort of small talk just to fill silence isn't her thing. She just walks with him to the end of the walkway before turning about and starting back, figuring that they can do laps this way.

"I've...been having these dreams. Especially since Merrick almost drowned in the Mire."

Why she starts talking about it, she's not sure. But it's been bothering her for a while and they're relatively alone, so it comes out.

[el_tybs]

He isn't exactly spooked, but there's a reason he doesn't come up to the walkway much. Sam generally likes walking around, rather than feeling like he's pacing. Still the fresh air is nice and he has company so he can't complain much.

Pel certainly knows how to keep him on his toes; much like Krem, but in a completely different way. While the mercenary physically did just that, Pel had a way of tripping him up with how out of the blue and blunt she could be. Much like right now.

He's not sure where she's going with it, but the bit of information makes him pause on the second lap. "He almost drowned?" He hadn't know that, and they shared a tent together.

[mythalenaste]

Pel nods, then something sweeps over her like a tidal wave. She stops walking and covers her face with her hands.

[el_tybs]

It's so sudden that Sam panics for a moment; he's never seen Pel like this - was she crying? "Hey." tentatively he reaches over and puts a hand on her upper back, not sure how much physical touch she would be comfortable with from him.

"Hey. It's alright. He's alright." He hoped. Merrick had looked fine back at the tent at least.

[mythalenaste]

She's breathing. Just breathing. Overcoming the memory of terror. She tenses at his touch, then relaxes, gradually drawn toward him till she's leaning against him a little. Solid, not like memory. Not like fear. She comes out from behind her hands and takes a deep breath.

"I...wasn't there. I should have been there. Korrin saved him. And I've had dreams about fear demons ever since. I only ever have those when something happens to Merrick."

[el_tybs]

Sam pauses at feeling Pel tense up, but when she moves to lean against him, he resumes rubbing his back gently. Not crying, but obviously upset about this thing with Merrick.

She's struggling because she couldn't be there? He can relate to that, not being able to do something for someone you cared about. He would have said something about it too, but at the mention of demons, Sam stops. "You're having dreams about fear demons... or there are fear demons in your dreams?"

[mythalenaste]

"Both. They don't try to get to me, they try to get to him."

She has her arms folded tightly against herself.

"I've always thought they're just trying to possess me. Except I'd never let that happen. I've never really been worried about that, I'm very good at remembering to chase them off when they try. Then other times, like now, I think I might really be protecting him in the Fade. That we're sleeping at the same time and I've found him. But...I'm the one who's afraid. So if I'm seeking him out, then I'm the one bringing the demons. I'm the one putting him in danger. No matter why the demons come, whether it's for me or for him, I'm putting him in danger."

[el_tybs]

It was rather disconcerting to hear this, but he lets Pel talk, lets her get it off her chest while he continues to rub her back. Once it sounds like she's done telling him about the dreams he gives a sigh. "Have you talked to anyone else about these dreams? Anyone from your Clan? Merrick?" Would Merrick have been aware of any of this going on his Dreams?

[mythalenaste]

She shakes her head. "I asked my Keeper once. She said that whatever the cause, the solution was the same: get far away from him and banish the demons. I have the training to resist demons. He doesn't."

[el_tybs]

"Everyone is capable of resisting demons, Pel. Though I'm sure you're better prepared then others because you're more aware." Both a blessing and a curse for a Mage it seemed. "I'm not trying to speak ill of your Keeper, but... just running away isn't going to solve this. You don't have to be there for demons to go looking for him." Course her being there probably attracted them there more. Only good thing about that was that they would more likely follow her then him when she did try to leave.

"If you're this worried, you should probably talk to him. So that he's better prepared, especially if it's getting worse."

[mythalenaste]

"Prepared for demons in his dreams? I don't think he can be. Or prepared for me to get possessed? He knows that can happen. But it's...getting better, actually. Since I left the Mire. I don't seem to dream about him as much."

[el_tybs]

He's not sure how to prepare someone who wasn't a Mage either. "Even if you can't teach him anything, at least giving him a warning would help. He seems like the sort to adapt, especially if he has prior knowledge."

Hearing that it was getting better wasn't all that strange to hear. "The Mire had an overabundance of spirits, so it's possible that had some affect on it. I know myself and Lady LeBlanc couldn't even sleep for a good amount of it because of it." Still the thought about Pel had been told to get away... "Where's Merrick right now?"

[mythalenaste]

"In the Mire, still. I thought distance would make him safer. Now I'm not sure. Maybe I should be there to protect him."

[el_tybs]

That has Sam raising a brow. It was a bit curious to how worried she was over Merrick than the others. "Are we talking about demons still, or do you mean in general?" Not that he was happy to know that Merrick almost drowned, but Pel sounded like she planned on protecting Merrick from everything.

[mythalenaste]

A long pause.

"I can't...protect him from everything. Or anything. But I can share his hurts. That's more than anyone else can do. But the demons, I might protect him from. If it's true, if I'm really finding him in the Fade, maybe I can protect him. Or maybe I'm making it worse."

[el_tybs]

He gives a long sigh at that, chewing the inside of his cheek lightly in thought. "I honestly cannot say you're making it better or worse, Pel. But you cannot be there next to him all the time."

[mythalenaste]

"I used to be. Except when he spent days on the hunt, I was always so close to him. Now the Inquisition can send us anywhere and there's nothing I can do about it."

The more she speaks of this, the tenser she grows, and her chest is tighter and tighter. Her breaths are quiet and shallow and she leans against the wall, head bowed, trying to collect herself.

[el_tybs]

The point of this walk was to stretch their legs and clear their heads, but it seems that this was going down a completely different direction.

At feeling Pel lean away from him to hold herself up against the wall, Sam panics just a bit, worried that she's going to collapse or something. "Whoa, hey..." He knows close to nothing about any of the Ashara, but for Pel to react like this then something must have happened, though bringing it up probably would have this worse. And considering other interactions he's pretty sure a solid 'not your business' or something 'shem' related would come up.

"Hey... hey, it's going to be alright. Merrick's pretty tough." That was for sure. "And he'll be with others in the Inquisition... we can be there to watch him for you."

[mythalenaste]

She shakes her head, because none of that is a comfort. It's completely selfish, wishing she could be irreplaceable in Merrick's life, but she'd like to be irreplaceable in someone's. Struggling with what she needs and what Merrick needs and knowing she has to do what Merrick needs...it presses against old bruises, things that have never been left alone long enough to heal.

"Do you think I'm dangerous to him?" She drags the subject back to what it was: asking Sam's professional opinion about something.

[el_tybs]

The question is so sudden and blunt, that it has Sam reeling for a moment, but he's not entirely surprised since it is so like Pel to do so. It's straight forward, but not at all that simple to answer.

Something that he asked himself everyday really.

Letting out a long exhale, he gives Pel the most reassuring smile he can give with this kind of topic. "Probably as dangerous I am to Krem. I don't think you're a danger to him, Pel. There are dangerous things we deal with, but that's different."

[mythalenaste]

Pel nods. She lifts her chin, breathing deeply.

"Thank you for listening. Mythal'enaste, I couldn't begin to explain me and Merrick."

[el_tybs]

"Mythal... enaste?" he asks curiously, still not familiar with much Dalish. "I'm always around if you need to talk. Well... normally. They're sending me back out soon. With Merrick now that I think about it."