Shit. She sounds like she's going to cry. Merrick is just-- He doesn't know how to handle this. That's part of why he started pulling away in the first place.
He's just not good enough for her.
The wind snakes through his hair, ruffling it, sends some ashes from his pipe into a small flurry near his lips. The soldiers keep on training below-- one gets in a good hit, and his partner falls to the floor, face down in the mud. The world continues to move, Skyhold alive around them, even if it feels like everything is standing still.
He takes a deep breath.
"You saw," he mutters. "You were the only one who didn't know. Pel, Cyril, Beleth? They all know about it, they've all seen it, and they've seen-- How I am. How I start fights. How I-- how I lose control, sometimes. But you? I've never shown you, Ellana. You'd hear about it, you know about it, but I never... Not in front of you."
Another breath. His voice gets louder, harsher, with every word. "I've only let you see a part of me. The part that can reach out, can-- sing. And you made it easy. With you, I could just-- not be crazy, for a fucking second, and just--"
He tries to swallow, but his throat is too tight. "But you saw. So. That's done," he finishes, sounding defeated.
For just a moment, there's a flare up of frustration. She's always the last to know and it's enough to bring tears to her eyes. Why do people think she isn't worthy of knowing things? Do they think she's too stupid to understand? Or too delicate to handle it? But as Merrick goes on, the feeling ebbs away to be replaced with a feeling of shame. Here she's thinking of herself, while Merrick is explaining why he's kept this from her.
He was letting her see the best side of him.
The tears spill down her cheeks and she hastily wipes them away. His voice has changed and she can tell how upset he is to lose what he had with her. It's not something they can pretend never happened. She can't ask to go back to how they were. They need to be something new.
"Merrick," she begins, sniffling a little. "You are who you are. I'm sorry you can't shield me from who you are anymore, but I don't want you to. You're my friend, and I'm going to accept you no matter what. I'm not like Pel, or Cyril, or Beleth, but that doesn't mean we can't move forward, does it? I want to move forward. I want to sing with you again. And spend time with you. Those times we spent together, that was still you being you; I just know more about you now."
For a moment, Merrick wants to shake her. How could you not see? But her big beautiful eyes are shedding tears and it's his fault, and he's a horrible person, and if somehow he could erase himself from her life it would be better for the both of them--
"You don't get it," he grinds out. "After all this time, you still don't know."
It's probably not the best reaction she could have, and it probably won't help, but the frustration comes back full force and she wipes away more tears that are now this side of angry.
"Well obviously not, because I'm precious fragile little Ellana right? The girl who can't handle anything, so people leave her in the damn dark to protect her." Her voice is raising, and suddenly something breaks and she stands, her hands balled into fists and her short nails digging into her palms.
"I can't make you open up, I can't make you do or think anything, but don't you dare think you know how I feel. We're clan and I will always care about you. I'll always carry you with me, no matter where we go. Even if you think you're crazy, or don't deserve to be in my heart. And if I still don't get it? If I'll never get it, or understand you? Then that's just the way things are. I'll just be stupid and oblivious. I'll still care about you, and you can't take that away from me."
His fists are balled so tightly now it hurts, cramping up his fingers and straining his wrists. He's trying so hard not to snap at her-- his muscles are screaming with the effort of holding back, and his heart is so raw and exposed he's afraid it'll just slide out of his chest and onto the floor.
"I didn't want you to see because-- Creators, Ellana, do you think I'd just randomly leave gifts for just anyone? Have I ever been the type to do that?"
Her anger falls away almost immediately, and she's left staring at him, digesting his very simple question. Merrick. And presents. Who does he give presents to? Has it really been just her? Her eyes lower to his hands and she sees the strain there; how frustrated he is, and how much he's holding back -- once again -- for her sake. And she slowly moves to sit down beside him again, a little closer this time.
"No, you're not." Her voice is soft as everything finally clicks. The reason he treats her like some fragile precious thing is because she's a precious thing to him. She's always liked him, even knowing he was troubled. He has a heart that he only shows to those he wants to, and he's honored her by giving her little carvings and sitting in the grass with her to sing. She wipes fresh tears away and takes a deep breath.
"I didn't realize--" But he already knows that, doesn't he? She shakes her head. "I meant what I said. I'll never stop caring about you. But now there's a gulf between us, and I'm trying to reach across. It's up to you to reach the rest of the way."
Ellana smiles through her tears and sniffles back anymore.
"And I'm shit at noticing the obvious, so..." She trails off and extends her hand towards him, resting it on the wall, palm up. Then she wriggles her fingers invitingly.
"You don't have to use words at all. If you think we can still be friends, then here."
It needs to be said, doesn't it? If he's been holding back on telling her how he feels, then she's been holding back in this conversation, not wanting to give it that harsh note of finality. But she has too. And it will hurt him.
She swallows the lump forming in her throat and pushes past the burning feeling in her nose which is signaling yet more tears.
"I don't." Her voice is gentle. "Not like that. I'm sorry, Merrick."
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no subject
He's just not good enough for her.
The wind snakes through his hair, ruffling it, sends some ashes from his pipe into a small flurry near his lips. The soldiers keep on training below-- one gets in a good hit, and his partner falls to the floor, face down in the mud. The world continues to move, Skyhold alive around them, even if it feels like everything is standing still.
He takes a deep breath.
"You saw," he mutters. "You were the only one who didn't know. Pel, Cyril, Beleth? They all know about it, they've all seen it, and they've seen-- How I am. How I start fights. How I-- how I lose control, sometimes. But you? I've never shown you, Ellana. You'd hear about it, you know about it, but I never... Not in front of you."
Another breath. His voice gets louder, harsher, with every word. "I've only let you see a part of me. The part that can reach out, can-- sing. And you made it easy. With you, I could just-- not be crazy, for a fucking second, and just--"
He tries to swallow, but his throat is too tight. "But you saw. So. That's done," he finishes, sounding defeated.
no subject
He was letting her see the best side of him.
The tears spill down her cheeks and she hastily wipes them away. His voice has changed and she can tell how upset he is to lose what he had with her. It's not something they can pretend never happened. She can't ask to go back to how they were. They need to be something new.
"Merrick," she begins, sniffling a little. "You are who you are. I'm sorry you can't shield me from who you are anymore, but I don't want you to. You're my friend, and I'm going to accept you no matter what. I'm not like Pel, or Cyril, or Beleth, but that doesn't mean we can't move forward, does it? I want to move forward. I want to sing with you again. And spend time with you. Those times we spent together, that was still you being you; I just know more about you now."
no subject
"You don't get it," he grinds out. "After all this time, you still don't know."
no subject
"Well obviously not, because I'm precious fragile little Ellana right? The girl who can't handle anything, so people leave her in the damn dark to protect her." Her voice is raising, and suddenly something breaks and she stands, her hands balled into fists and her short nails digging into her palms.
"I can't make you open up, I can't make you do or think anything, but don't you dare think you know how I feel. We're clan and I will always care about you. I'll always carry you with me, no matter where we go. Even if you think you're crazy, or don't deserve to be in my heart. And if I still don't get it? If I'll never get it, or understand you? Then that's just the way things are. I'll just be stupid and oblivious. I'll still care about you, and you can't take that away from me."
no subject
His fists are balled so tightly now it hurts, cramping up his fingers and straining his wrists. He's trying so hard not to snap at her-- his muscles are screaming with the effort of holding back, and his heart is so raw and exposed he's afraid it'll just slide out of his chest and onto the floor.
"I didn't want you to see because-- Creators, Ellana, do you think I'd just randomly leave gifts for just anyone? Have I ever been the type to do that?"
no subject
"No, you're not." Her voice is soft as everything finally clicks. The reason he treats her like some fragile precious thing is because she's a precious thing to him. She's always liked him, even knowing he was troubled. He has a heart that he only shows to those he wants to, and he's honored her by giving her little carvings and sitting in the grass with her to sing. She wipes fresh tears away and takes a deep breath.
"I didn't realize--" But he already knows that, doesn't he? She shakes her head. "I meant what I said. I'll never stop caring about you. But now there's a gulf between us, and I'm trying to reach across. It's up to you to reach the rest of the way."
no subject
"I want to," he mutters. "But I'm shit with words, you know that."
no subject
"And I'm shit at noticing the obvious, so..." She trails off and extends her hand towards him, resting it on the wall, palm up. Then she wriggles her fingers invitingly.
"You don't have to use words at all. If you think we can still be friends, then here."
no subject
"You don't know," he says softly, "how much."
no subject
"You're right; I don't," she murmurs, matching his quiet tone. "But now I can guess that it's a lot. And I can guess why you've never said."
no subject
no subject
She swallows the lump forming in her throat and pushes past the burning feeling in her nose which is signaling yet more tears.
"I don't." Her voice is gentle. "Not like that. I'm sorry, Merrick."